Penumbra

Notes around how others imagine me

In recent months indirect expressing of opinions of others about how I would behave in a hypothetical future situation or how they believed I was spending my time, for the period we haven't heard of each other, sort of shock and frustrates me ... The fact that people can imagine such cruel and dark behaviors from me, is so shocking because I expected them to know a bit of who I am, after all the exchanges we had and the fact that who I am in their eyes and who I am in reality would be two fundamentally different individuals, leaves me with the feeling that these people, whom I thought to be enough to rely upon for emotional attachment, maybe never are going to have a somewhat more true image of me in their brain or hearts ...
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Introduction

As written elsewhere, one of the hardest discoveries of becoming an adult is the realization that others are not you:

... not even like you and maybe not even close to you, while we are all humans and equal in this respect. To realize that one must lead and one must follow on different occasions, and to understand one's place in the world ...

However, for most people this discovery ends with being able to differentiate others from themselves, only on what is visible, that one is in love with this object and that the other is in love another, however, most people never come to realize that others could have deep level differences with them themselves. Now that we used the word "love" in the previous sentence, let's continue with the example of love, most people believe how they love is how everyone loves, a typical example is believing that if he or she would have liked me, he or she would have come over and started a conversation with me, forgetting to realize not everyone is able to read their mind and fulfill their version of how they first met ... and this is only the easiest kinds of difficulties, harsher is failing to realize love could mean totally different things to other people, for someone being caring and honest with each other, at least most of the times, is more than enough, for someone else, it may be if you are willing to die for the person you love, it is enough, for someone else love may be an even more complex feature of our design and it will last beyond our death ...

While in most cultures this aspect of the criteria of being an adult ends with the ability to distinguish the difference between your and others' priorities and goals and navigate the life accordingly, let's say for example, your behavior demonstrates that you understand for a woman her age and appearance is an especial factor, while for a man his wealth and position on the social hierarchy, but this doesn't end here. There are further levels of growth and development respecting this aspect of adulthood that most people never realize, not to mention talking about them.

One of the brutal experiences I've made in my interactions with others is how much they view human beings, which is mostly a reflection of how they understand themselves, could be limiting in my interactions with them, if there is something more than professional exchanges between us. Whether it is plain trust to begin a venture, loyalty, friendship, or a relationship we hope to grow into romance.

That people expect me deep inside to be someone like them is not relevant to me, unless there are relationships between us in which who we are and how we are matters ...

Few recent examples

I wished to continue with mentioning two of few recent examples of such in my life, but perhaps it would be better to start with less controversial examples, so let's go back two or three years, as I was introduced to two businessmen in the presence of my father, and as usual, my father would tell "I don't drink either" and the perception of the others readable in their comment and facial expression was that my father thinks too good about me and I'm observing religious conventions only because of his presence, until after the events in my life would make me meet them again and this time on my own and under their invitation, and the surprise: we are meeting in a bar or a bar-restaurant and my host orders wine and I'm allowed to order whatever I desire and there is no one else there to report to my father, and still I observe the convention. While at first, it was a question of me losing my inhibitions with time for them, my hosts were old enough to realize no young man would hold it so long to reject a pleasure, had it not been his way of life and my hosts were kind enough to accept me as it is, and I don't mind they referring to me as living a "monk" life, without having the official status of one.

My life doesn't only consist of experiences where I've been the guest, the other time, when the strangers who were about to meet me for a second time, were forced to experience the sides of me that usually don't make sense for almost all people, the place was my choice, again a bar-restaurant1, and the strange discovery: while not ordering any alcohol containing drink myself, everyone else, including the other guy from a Muslim country and Muslim family did and to me it was a pleasure to be the host ... Thankfully, this time, my guests were young enough and they themselves strangers to some of their home countries' cultural convention that they didn't find any necessity in taking the role of a private detective and questioning in their mind, why am I doing this.

With these two simple examples of how the way I behave differ from what people expect human beings to behave, like for example, if you don't drink yourself, so you won't spend time in bars, or under no circumstance you would invite others and pay their drinks ... or otherwise I should be someone who is pretending and of course, in private I drink too, but the fact is, that these people were actually private moments, because none one knew each other, lived in the same place, would know anyone from our inner circles and had no plan to meet each other ever again, so it was indeed private moments where I should have given up my inhibitions that I faked in front of others who knew me, but ...

But drinking or not drinking is not a super important matter in life, and after all, you can think of it as a lifestyle choice, you can think there are no reasons behind it being my style of living ... but other interactions could be harder to talk away with justifications like that ...

Mutual-side: when I see others like myself

What never occurred to me however until quite recently, was the realization how high expectations I have from a woman, whom I one way or the other hoped whether we might be right for each other or not ...

Couple of times in my life I had I asked women requests which were are so bold and courageous that later on when asking myself whether I would have done the same if I were in their shoes, my answer was that's really nuts, by "nuts" I don't mean like getting drunk and dancing the whole night, I mean, the amnesty international or individual political activist who leave their country, their normal life to be in the middle of fight and some of them end up horrible conditions, some only those who are active in the field know their name. These are the kind of nuts that ordinary individuals in an ordinary career path, believing in getting a degree, getting married, having a life, care, insurance and then a pleasant retirement are never prepared to take, and would call impossible to happen.

I don't think I'm free from the lack of growth that I talked about in the introduction of this article, I agree maybe I expect women to be like Miss Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of Caribbean, though, smart, fearless, fighting with swords and directing ships, sort of seeing women whom I'm interested in being my partner, being someone like myself and maybe this is not possible, to say the least, biologically, so the aspect of the growth that I mentioned in the introduction, could be true about me too, may the Lord help me on this aspect of growth too...

How I know Elizabeth Swann from Pirates of Caribbean

My first distant getting to know of Pirates of Caribbean happened at high school, as I discovered a photo of Jack Sparrow cut out of a newspaper inside the files of one of my classmates who was sitting next to me, but truth to be told it is only recently that I watched a few of the Pirates of Caribbean movies in full or to be more precise, it happened just these days ...

So, me referencing to Elizabeth Swann is not because this movie and its characters were my childhood idols, not even because I know them since a long time ago, in fact, it may be interesting to know why I didn't watch the movie unlike many other children and why did I do it now, so, here you go:

First time in my life that my school had a library was in the middle school years, and I would spend almost all breaks in that library. The first books I picked were the ones that were in high demand, of course, if others read it, it must be something interesting. One of the high demand book I still remember I picked was Tintin, because I had seen the animation version and it seemed interesting, but soon I discovered comic books aren't something I can relate to, or maybe it was Tintin, anyhow, the first book that I actually found interesting was one written by an old author, something like 500 years ago, apparently to his son as a way of teaching him morals and how to navigate his life ... it was such a "never picked up book" that when one of my teachers discovered me reading it, he would tell his colleagues what unusual books I pick up ...

And it wasn't only the books which I read that were the books that no-one would read, at least, no one at my age, I slowly were to discover the movies I would find most interesting, the music or even the way I would buy newspapers would become a subject of negative comments by others. Once the man behind the tiny kiosk asked me if I really know what I am buying and I said "yes," and he asked again "do you know that this two support two opposite parties," and I only said "yes" while thinking to myself "of course I know that! Because that's the reason why I buy these newspapers, I want to have a view of what is going on, and that can never be achieved if you listen to one side of the story in a politically divided society ..."

Once or twice, only for the sake of being able to talk with peers of the same age about the cultural products that they were consuming, I tried some best-sellers, for example, once a friend made a copy of one of the "Harry Potter" movies for me, but I never watched it till the end, and I never knew much about Harry Potter, until a few years ago that because I wanted to know the impact of the pop-culture on the society and later on because of J. K. Rowling's The Casual Vacancy ...

I wouldn't say, I found it handicapping that I didn't have anything to say or comment, when people were talking about the latest tv-series, films, news or books, partly because it doesn't make sense to wish to build connections with others when what matters to them and to you are so different, and partly also because I was spending most of my time on mathematics than interacting with others ...

Final years of the middle-school and first years in the high-school I would read Hafiz's poetry, a book that one is very likely to find an edition of it by every Iranian household who have some sense of patriotism and values or pretends to value books, but the majority wouldn't be able to read it out loud as it is written some centuries ago with an older style of language, and as the book is a bit too complex, you don't need to speculate about how many of those who can really spell the words correctly would be able to understand what they mean in their entirety, but there is a similarity between the character's in Hafiz's poetry and Pirates of Caribbean's Jack Sparrow. A prominent character in Hafiz's poetry is what is pronounced /rend/, a term meaning someone who is clever, deceitful, often associated with thieves, not the rich ones like the king or the judge or the priests who sell the paradise without any authorization from the God, but the poor thieves, who steal small stuff in a deceitful manner, and as you might be able to guess, these "rends", or perhaps as a close English translation would be, "rogues", aren't the bad guys in Hafiz's poetry, just as Captain Jack Sparrow is the only one who saves the day, at least, as much as he is able to, and he too is associated with being a thief, but a clever and deceitful one, and he too, is often living in poverty.

By the time I moved to Europe because of my parents, it was clear to me that it is going to be very probable that I won't find pleasure in the mainstream cultural products in Europe either, just as it was the case in Iran, however, this time, there was a bit delay as at the beginning I had to first learn German and improve my English till my comprehension of these languages would be advanced enough to allow me to choose what to read or watch, based on my interest not because of level of difficulty of the material's language.

While in Iran you also have these fake independents, better said the outside main-stream cultural fellows who are nothing but a minority mainstream within the popular mainstream. In the West, the situation is a bit more complicated on the surface. On the surface you have a vibrant and alive independent art and cultural scene, that thrives because of the freedom of speech, democracy and the purchasing power of the middle-class, and first you need to be able to dig a bit dipper to realize the truly independent artists in the West live in no more a different condition that those in Iran, broadly and carelessly speaking. And by independent, I'm referring to someone like Johnny Depp and his artwork Brave, a movie censored by the leader of the "Free World."

Another piece of information that caught my interest in Johnny Depp was getting to know how he becomes an actor, the story of a gifted individual finding opportunity to develop his gifts ...

And the final strike of information that made him become one of my favorite alive people, was Charlie Rose's interview with him, out of many interesting things, a very interesting revelation about who he is, can be found in him telling that after realizing he can't bring the issue of native American in the public sphere by producing real movies, he waited his moment for a movie like The Lone Ranger, so an indigenous child could have a hero that is starred on the screen all over the country.

I know, for people who enjoy the mainstream cultural products, Johnny Depp is associated with a celebrity with troubled private life, and me calling him a "favorite person" would come across as if I'm blind to the rumors, but I don't like to comment on Johnny Depp's private life directly, so, let's skip that matter, at least for now.

And back to the main point of the article, what caught my attention to Pirates of Caribbean is the fact that Jack's character is highly indebted to Johnny Depp's contribution to the movie, from his outfit, to his style, to his dialogues, and just like Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp is the last person who saves the day for others, while everyone else is after their gains with an extremely narrow view about its impacts on others:

Ellen: is it true that you have never seen one of your movies but this one you actually did watch, right?

Johnny Depp: yeah.

Ellen: but you didn’t see any of the others?

Johnny Depp: no.

Johnny Depp: I saw part of maybe the first one ... I ran out anyway, it doesn’t matter ... ran out like a scared rat ... but this one I did see, because I ... it’s the fifth one, I thought, if, if this is the way I want to make sure that we’re delivering what we need to deliver to the people, because the people, you know, you guys went and saw the thing three four or five times amazing ... you know, you deserve to ... you deserve to not be spoon-fed formula, so you know ... I tried to, I tried to up the stakes a little with some of them ... joke ...

Ellen: and you’re happy with it right? You should be ...

Johnny Depp: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ... yeah ...

Ellen: that’s a great advertisement

The Ellen Show, 2017

Johnny Depp hates to watch himself, yet when it comes to respecting the life of others, as they are spending it on watching him and the Walt-Disney guys are only interested in making money after four attempts of telling stories about same characters, Johnny Depp is the man who has other priorities and won't hesitate to abandon his comfort ...

This is the Johnny Depp people often don't see, and this is the Jack Sparrow that most of those around him don't see, and part of that no seeing is perfectly natural as most people would never behave this way, yet, that is not all of it, as mentioned at the beginning of this article, one aspect of growth in adulthood is to realize others are not you ... and I found myself behaving similarly to Jack Sparrow in these respects, and I hope to be so all my life ...

Jack Sparrow and his invisible traits

Just like many other artists the character Jack Sparrow inherits a lot from its creator, in this case, Johnny Depp, and watching the clips of the movie because of the fifth series, and because Johnny Depp is someone I resonate with and I find as a source of inspiration to myself, and there are people important to me, that I would like us to be able to have some form of relationship with some degree of emotional attachment between us, and on my side, the much I can do is to present who I am, at least we won't be lost in misunderstandings or better said inabilities for understanding that comes from believing everyone you met is someone who fits in your definition of human beings, like that male friend of mine who couldn't believe me honestly believing in the religion I believe in, or the very young and extremely attractive woman who couldn't see I can be interested in her, without trying to have any romantic-related interaction with her.

Myth §1. Secret plans

Jack Sparrow's compass is best to be resembled as a pure inner voice, or some ultimate intuition

Look, I have publicly written on the matter that "… I hope you give yourself time to let your noble cause to grow …" and quite the same holds true about me and Jack Sparrow, we both try to follow what our hearts want most … and not quite rarely we are left with a compass that we are not sure to what its point to ...

Jack Sparrow & Barbosa tackling how to escape

and as far as the planning part goes, as with Jack Sparrow, while all those around me believe you have to have a plan, and possible future angle investors always expected me to hand them a business plan, in reality, I never followed a plan, because it simply doesn't work in reality. The assumptions about the world in my plans and the world outside that I have to navigate inside it has nothing to do with each other, and while the former doesn't change after it's written down, the latter evolves constantly ...

Myth §2. Women's purpose of existence is serving his sexual needs

and I have had the same conversations quite a few times in my life:

Jack Sparrow introducing Tortuga to Will Turner

and thankfully those around often end up in marriage, and not rarely everything started with us having a conversation about who's the person you love ...

Jack Sparrow and Will Turner's fight

and often there are lots of people who would oppose that marriage:

Jack Sparrow rescuing Elizabeth

I guess it is good to look back at how things began:

Elizabeth not having air to breathe

Of course, the metaphor of Jack Sparrow baring Elizabeth from her corset or in the metaphorical sense the limitation of the society of her time on the role of women, is the first step towards her finding the going for the man she loves and the second step of course, is that that young man accepting his identity:

Jack Sparrow confronting Will with the truth ...

It is so alienating that the very young woman whom I found so interesting the first she came into my eyes, would consider me a man who not only would force the restrictions of the traditions of her society upon her but add to it that of a stupid and fake Islam. Look, I'm not suggesting you walk in shorts and braless, in fact in our times the opposite of this would be true. While in 18th-century women were forced to play the role of attracting the other sex by wearing such dresses, the same role is today forced upon women with fake feminists rooting supporting greedy fashion industry for more nakedness of women in public. Bare or covered, the liberation is that of intellect and actions, and those actions aren't about breaking the laws of intimacy between romantic partners, but that of realizing one's heart's wishes through one's conscious acts:

Elizabeth becoming a pirate

Don't worry about Jack and Elizabeth's relationship, in reality Elizabeth would recruit the best pirates and go to the world of the death and rescue Jack Sparrow, but the point here is that Elizabeth's encounters with Jack Sparrow turn Elizabeth into a pirate, and the exact same is true about me, the only thing I could image about the closest women to me in my life is that they live their lives by similar guidelines, and this time these guidelines are not about being subordinate to a chain of hierarchy and command, but being liberated of all these, being a free agent, or as in the 18th century, being a pirate, without subjection to the rule of King or a Queen and without binding oneself to any homeland, how could the woman in my life be someone who would serve me like a servant and I would treat her like an object that I own?

Sparrow: "People aren't cargo mate"

Not only such relationship is a pain to my heart and unacceptable, but that can't even happen –by Allah's leave. People who are close to each other, become alike, and a free man who considers himself object of no chain of hierarchy, constitution or command, unless that of the God, in which all humans are the same to him in contrast to how stupid and fake interpretations of religion(s) tries to manipulate possible believers and even non-believers in understanding it otherwise …, so yes, if a woman spends a lot of time with me, it is hard to believe that she won't take on the same ideals, by Allah's leave ...

Myth §3. You can become his wife if you love him, or better, bear his child ...

Jack & Angelica

Yeah, few times in life, I have been in similar situations, when I was younger, I didn't exactly know what it was actually about, but after a while it became too obvious to misunderstand, and I have been just as harsh as Jack Sparrow but of course in my own ways and as you can imagine this is how the ending looks like:

Jack & Angelica

and of course, I have said similar words like "I love you and always would ..." like Jack Sparrow while rejecting them a lifetime, and the reason is simple: these women won't ever accept to live those ideals of freedom and humanity and following one's heart, they want to own the things in their lives, they want to be better than others, they want to possess things while in reality all positions and accomplishments in life are temporary and perhaps no more than a game:

Jack: The world’s still the same. There’s just less in it.

Myth §4. Dominating & taking charge of everything in a woman's life

People around me are so receptive for the image that I will be the stereotypical Middle-Eastern Muslim husband, commanding over everything in a woman's life and dominating the women around me, either because that's how Islam preaches the successful men-women interaction would look like, or because that's how men supposed to behave in the middle-east or perhaps a combination of both these reasons, but the reality of my life has barely anything to do with these assumptions and as with Jack Sparrow the opposite is true:

Jack Sparrow introducing the ship to women

Look, they are those women who want that one thing from the man in their lives: "wealth and power" and in contrast Jack Sparrow not only don't care about such women but if to choose between spending time on his profession or with such women, the choice is his profession. Saving his ship instead of enjoying such kind of women, and the same is true about me, rather working on realizing ideas I have at Lost Ideas Lab, instead of sleeping with women who wish to have a boyfriend who is this rich and famous entrepreneur or creative artist or independent journalist or whatever ...

And most of the times my interactions with women is about my professional goals:

Jack being slapped by ...

and as you can see, it is often women who do the violent stuff … okay, in my life with the help of an intermediary ...

Myth §5. The Black Pearl above all else ...

While we may talk very enthusiastically about the things that fulfill our heart's criteria:

Jack Sparrow opening himself to Elizabeth

and people will easily believe by themselves, this is what matters the most to us:

Jack Sparrow to Elizabeth: if he could buy me so cheap

At the end of the day:

Jack Sparrow: It is only a ship mate

Myth §6. All he wants is being in charge [and successful] ...

While, Jack Sparrow's character is presented to have an obsession with being called "captain", but unlike many other men in the movie, there is one position he dislikes to accept:

Will: I don't think Jack

Myth §7. Every man has a price

While successful people believe every man to have a price, there is something that Jack Sparrow and I insist upon when it comes to having someone as part of our team:

Jack: Somehow I doubt Jack will consider employment the same as being free.

Last Words

Being cool, the reality of it ...

The reason why I wrote these here, is not to make you believe how cool I am and then write a follow up "now, come and love me", the reason is I wish to have human interactions that aren't because of professional relationships in my life and I found it being like fighting an invisible enemy, when in the mind of the individual I wish to have an emotional bond with, who I am can't be real and I am constantly fighting with this misunderstanding and that misunderstanding, no place for having an interaction which isn't about fixing a misunderstanding after our first interaction ...

Besides my reasons for writing such text, the reality is that someone as cool as Johnny Depp is probably someone you won't like to be close to or spend too much private time with2, just to give you a sense of why, here is how Gwyneth Paltrow reflecting on the cause of the end of her romantic relationship with Johnny Depp in interview by Howard Stern:

It was a little, he’s such an icon and you go into the room to rehearse and he is rolling a cigarette and ...

... I just felt like I’m not cool enough, you know he got all these tattoos, and his cool cloths ...

... and he listens to music while he acts ... he has a little thing in his ear and he listens to music ... he's very cool ... it's so cool

and here is bit look at how the looked like together, while being in a relationship publicly:

An apology

Someday I end up presenting a hypothetical presentation of recruitment for my team, for a group where the professor expected me to be authentic, and honest, and me accepting her request, end up delivering a note on "I want you only if you die for it ..." which caused her to be too touched by the speech and Alex to have a drop of tear in her eyes, I apologize for the inconvenience caused, as said, I myself struggle too to understand people aren't me, and not unlike Jack Sparrow's struggle:

An intimate last word

So far, this article was public, but for the below paragraph I thank you in advance for respecting not reading it, if you are not the young woman mentioned at the beginning of Appendix 3 ...

Dear S____, may a never a human being be so affectionate about you, yet may no human being be so indifferent to act upon his feelings ... S____, your heart has the say and I wish my companion be never someone whose heart belongs to someone else, now you know part of the cause to my indifference

To the Elizabeth3 in my life

And one last advice: by killing the person you love, you may end up free of their love, but you become a killer too and this is not a good thing to turn to ...

Appendixes

Appendix §1. Meaning of /rend/ in Hafiz's poetry

As Hafiz’s poetry is an inspiration of Quran, his misleading verses and poems full of mysteries aren’t left without their keys and this as well is the case with his usage of the term “/rend/“ or the closer English translation “rogue”:

حافظا می خور و رندی کن و خوش باش ولی

دام تزویر مکن چون دگران قرآن را

Oh Hafiz, drink wine, commit roguery, be [irreverent and] happy but,

The trap of counterfeit not make like others out of Quran

Hafiz's poem translated by me

راز درون پرده ز رندان مست پرس

کاین حال نیست زاهد عالی مقام را

Secret behind the veil of the drunk rogues ask

Cuz this level of awareness ain’t the high ranked ascetic

Hafiz's poem translated by me

Appendix §2. Side note on Islam

Since childhood I was inspired by people like Mari Curie, Galileo, James Watt, Einstein and many others, yet at the same time many religious individuals have been my hero-s and unlike many other, the reason that I find both these matters interesting and without being at conflict in myself about either, is not much out of stupidity but that I'm aware of the limitations and scope of each ... but at the end you are free to call and judge me however you want, I can't police your thoughts and even if I could it would not have had any benefit, neither for me, nor for you, regardless of what you want to think about this.

To me, believing and not-believing is the mercy or punishment from the God, and He is the one who decides on who deserve such and as long as I can be concerned, I can only hope for my lover and me or maybe anyone whom we sort of love each other that:

Show us the straight path, [1:6] The path of those whom Thou hast favoured; Not the (path) of those who earn Thine anger nor of those who go astray. [1:7]

Marmaduke Pickthall's translation of Quran

Appendix §3. How other imagine the woman in a relationship with me ...

I am not fresh arrived from Mars to be unfamiliar with the prevailing expectations of women in our society, and I've met women who spent most of their awake time putting effort on their appearance being their physical or even how they are perceived in the eyes of others, however I considered it to be a cultural phenomena, maybe because I was surrounded by feminist women in adulthood, or maybe because I rarely experienced my parents interactions with one another to have a sense of limits and strengthens and weaknesses of each gender in comparison to the other ...

One of the side result of such blindness about the humans was that until a series of events and reactions in recent years, I was never conscious about how the expectations I have from a woman, or better said, how I myself fail to realize that a woman is not a man and how different we experience the world differently and have different expectations, and agendas ... and if it wasn't so, it would not have made sense that men and women team up with each other ... I am referring to values and views that are in contrast to our nature, the kind of difference that is my reference is that kind of difference that I began the introduction of this article with, that you imagine others to be more or less like you, when in fact they aren't and that image will result in inability to have meaningful interactions with one another ...

The most common type of misunderstanding that I had and I realized it so far, was when I would ask a woman a request without respecting that she is physically weaker than me, and that she won't be able to tell herself "what can go wrong? I can protect myself, if any danger comes along ...", the one time that really made me realize the difference, was when I just changing the location of where to go out together, made my partner's face to show in-comfort, that was the first time realized, even though I see myself as a physically weak person, I mean, I stopped sport since I lost my front teeth in primary school, beside a few months in middle school where I would play basketball, or the one month when I was 18-19 I wanted to not think about a matter and started running, I never practice regularly, nor attempted to do so, but for her perhaps, I was this stranger and anything could go wrong from one block of street to the other and she wouldn't be able to defend herself against me. This all sounds too obvious when written here, but I simply never in my life thought about these matters ... Maybe partly because the first time I understood what the word "dating" meant, was when the women I supposed we love each other, left me and I was devastated and looking for everything about relationship and love to understand what had just happened and why it happened that way. So a matter as simple as this was never something that I remotely put myself in contact with, I mean, the only other time in my life I asked a woman who we were stranger to meet, was because I wanted her friend and my friend to fall in love with each other, and so I played the role of a host and I never needed to think about anything dating related respecting myself. So, it never occurred to me to leave my understanding about myself and the world and consider how it might look like, if me and woman getting closer to each other ...

One can't force one's own natural development, even if others see you otherwise ...

While I hope in my professional life too, there be individuals whom at least in some manner and to some degree understand and trust me, it is obvious that this is not going to be true about everyone that I am going to work with and I also don't think this is necessary, but if for other such aspects of relationship are of less importance when it comes to romance but as the few of myths which we debunked here suggest, the life I aspire to is not such.

I understand, lots of the expectations and understandings that I have about myself, my [hopefully one day] future helpmate, and the nature of the relationship are because of the environments and societies I live in and I grew up in4, in addition to that being blind to how fundamentally different our understandings and world-views can be and my lack of experience and trust to allow others know my opinion, I had to experience being extremely misunderstood about what I want from a woman.

It is not only stranger men or women in my life who misunderstood me about the nature of my interest in a woman, the examples of not being understood in this respect in my life transcends the barrier of gender, age, and even sexual orientation, yes, that means I've received the phone number of a homosexual man, and from parents, to friends, to my sister, to employee, to anyone and everyone ... the examples of such experiences are almost all experiences in my life, or in other words countless, but for telling all of them here there is neither time nor the interest, however I will start from the very first time I recognized such misunderstanding and hand pick few examples:

The very first time that I personally found so very embarrassing, I think I was 11 or 12 years old and we were at my aunt's house and there was another family whom I didn't know there, they had a daughter more or less our age and she said something that I found smart for her age and I told her my opinion, while it was only me, her and one or two other kids standing there having a conversation, one of kids later on told that comment to a parent and the whole family was laughing that I am interested in that girl, and I wasn't, and like many other times in my life, until very years later when I met E. E. and I learned from her how to reject someone, I never protested for being misunderstood about whether I'm interested in someone in that way or not, because my protest made others laugh harder as if it was proof that I'm indeed interested in her and try to hide it ... Sometimes when the memories don't pain as they usually would, there is this question in my mind, why wasn't I able to make any noise, say something, run away, protest, when my body was touched by other people the way it should have not, maybe the lesson I learned from that experience contributed to choosing silence over to protest that I am being misunderstood and I have no interest and I don't ever want to have any closeness to this person or that person in any way and certainly not physically, and extremely extremely extremely extremely not erotically ... Fuck you that you think we aren't lovers and we aren't married and I'm still interested in having such contact with you!

The other people that really offended me, or better said, pushed me for taking drastic measures where the adults, the adults who had children my age, 20-something, who would think of me having laid women or being interested in laying any beautiful woman that comes into my eyes. The worst part of it was my parents, who sort of thought I had slept with that girl and we have made our promises and so on ... There were lots of reasons I kept my feelings a secret from my parents, but the boldest one is that my parents had always been rather an enemy to who I really am, and A. S. and my feelings for her wasn't something that I was sure confident whether they are real or imaginary, or whether I should bury them or whether there is any other option on the table, since she had a boyfriend and I had nothing in my life than myself that could please her ... The way my parents talked about her, my inability to explain to other same-aged people as my parents that the reason that I don't have a girlfriend and not looking for one and not interested to look for one is foremost that I am not okay with what should and should I feel for A. S. all and all made my life into a misery. Such a misery that the even legal authorities were asking me why the hell do I want to make such thing in such location, there is no easy solution to do such thing unless I have a girlfriend, and my answer was that there is no woman and no forecast for such woman in my life ...

The other example that I would like to mention here is that of A. S. herself, but for this time only one single sentence of her: "you can say the same to other people ..." that was her last response when we had been talking over phone for one or two hours and it is a long story and a lot of details are extremely relevant here, but I don't want to tell it here, what I want to point out to, is that there was this human being, whom I trusted with my life more than any other individual in my entire life, me who I had always kept my feelings and often even my judgement a secret, but to her and for her I attempted to be open as best as I could ...

I had lots of concerns, insecurities, doubts, contradicting predictions and judgments and opinions about everything related to feelings between us but that the person who was my only trust, and about [one of] the most important issues to me ...

I always had this image in my mind of meeting this person that you immediately understand each other but that world was over for me then ...

It is hard to describe what I mean by saying "such world didn't exist anymore", but you have to have a bit of understanding to understand why I what I aimed to describe in this chapter of the article. The closest example of such change in one's view of the world that I know of5 is Stefan Zweig's "Brennendes Geheimnis", the work has some mastery of literature, so please read the full version before me exploiting it for you, you will really lose a good chance of experiencing an amazing work, the novel is short, so don't waste it by continuing reading this chapter, but if you had read the story once, let's remind you few paragraphs of it:

The story tells the experience of a young boy at the beginning of his puberty who is to experience his mother who isn't having an active sexual life, is drawn to get laid by a womanizer, he unaware of his mother's burning desires and needs, believes there is something that must be rescued:

The corridor, at this midnight hour, was quiet and empty and lighted faintly by a single gas jet. The minutes stretched themselves into hours, it seemed, before he heard cautious footsteps coming up the stairs. He strained his ears to listen. The steps did not move forward with the quick, regular beat of someone making straight for his room, but sounded hesitating and dragging as though up a steep, difficult climb. Edgar also caught the sound of whispering, a pause, then whispering again. He was a-quiver with excitement. Was it both of them coming up together? Was the creature still sticking to her? The whispering was too low and far away for him to catch what they were saying. But the footsteps, though slowly and with pauses between, were drawing nearer. And now he could hear the baron’s voice—oh, how he hated the sound of it!— saying something in a low, hoarse tone, which he could not get, and then his mother answering as though to ward something off:

“No, no, not tonight!”

Edgar’s excitement rose to fever heat. As they came nearer he would be bound to catch everything they said. Each inch closer that they drew was like a physical hurt in his breast, and the baron’s voice, how ugly it seemed, that greedy, grasping disgusting voice.

“Don’t be cruel. You were so lovely this evening.”

“No, no, I mustn’t. I can’t. Let me go!”

There was such alarm in his mother’s voice that the child was terrified. What did the baron want her to do? Why was she afraid?

They were quite close up to him now, apparently right in front of the portière. A foot or two away from them was he, trembling, invisible, with a bit of drapery for his only protection.

Edgar heard his mother give a faint groan as though her powers of resistance were weakening. But what was that? Edgar could hear that they had passed his mother’s door and had kept on walking down the corridor. Where was he dragging her off to? Why was she not replying any more? Had he stuffed his hand kerchief into her mouth and was he squeezing her throat?

Wild with this thought, Edgar pushed the portière aside and peeped out at the two figures in the dim corridor. The baron had his arm round the woman’s waist and was forcing her along gently, evidently with little resistance from her. He stopped at his own door.

...

Her tone was not threatening, but so icy that Edgar felt as though each word were like a link in an iron chain being laid round his neck. His defiance had been crushed out of him. Silently, with a hang-dog air, he followed her up to her room.

In the room she prolonged his agony by saying nothing for several minutes, during which he heard the striking of the clock, and outside a child laughing, and within his own breast his heart beating like a trip-hammer. Yet she, too, could not be feeling so very confident of herself either, because she kept her eyes averted and even turned her back while speaking to him.

“I shall say nothing to you about the way you behaved yesterday. It was unpardonable, and it makes me feel ashamed to think of it. You have to suffer the consequences now of your own conduct. All I mean to say to you is that this is the last time you will be allowed to associate with your elders. I have just written to your father that either you must be put under a tutor or sent to a boarding-school where you will be taught manners. I sha’n’t be bothered with you any more.”

The young man bewildered by his inability to make sense of what had just happened and her mother's reaction to him as if it is he who is at fault here and no-one else, moves away without notice, and he returns to his parent's house after having seen a young couple making out in the night ...

I wasn't all too clueless about erotic, back when me and A. S. had that conversation but the mistreatment of others to my understanding of the world and how I believed the life is to be navigated, caused me to react in a way to my environment that is comparable to Stefan Zweig's Edgar, his reaction was because being unable to handle his mother's reaction to him, mine is because of felt impossible to make my boundaries be visible. I decided to be public about whenever I felt real deep interest for someone in my heart ...

If anyone and everyone is going to misunderstand when I am interested in someone in that way or not, if the only woman that I ever felt content with the idea of spending the rest of my life with her, even though I was aware of lots of differences with, is going to think that I can say the same to someone else too and that's the only reason she rejects me: fine, I will let it be public, if A. S. feared how could she know if I ever say the same things to someone else or not, then okay, now she can know whatever I feel for whomever ...

Before continuing any further, let me say there are lots of reasons for me to be public about private matters of my life, there are political reasons, there is the fact that I write about love, so I should provide the audience the possibility to be able to know what is my love life that on its base I have those understanding of the world, then there is the issue of internet privacy and Humane Internet and so as someone who wishes to advocate for such drastic shifts, I can't afford to keep my love life a secret, and the most personal reason for doing so, is the desire to live a life where you have "nothing to hide" ... and last but not least because I believe in marriage and one aspect of marriage is the publicity about whom you are aimed to have such experience with, but while privacy about one's erotic partner makes sense to me and always made sense to me since I had a bit of understanding of what these things meant, to be public about one's deepest feeling was never in my lifestyle, it was so extremely unimaginable to me, not only unimaginable. Even about A. S. herself, while we knew each other three months long and I would time to time feel so delighted to see her, her presence, the way she looks, the way she moved ... We spent nearly every day with each other, and not single time I allow her to know how really felt about her– but now looking back, it there were wrong convictions behind my choice, I believed I shouldn't let her know, because I won't be able to fulfill lots of things that her boyfriend does for her, and back then they were at such a low point in their relationship, it is basically on the verge of breaking and coming to an end forever, but now I believe it is not for a human being to decide in advance how the future is ought to look like and deprive others of their possibility to make different decisions for their own lives, I don't think we have to forget the impact of our actions on others, but I don't think this is necessarily the noblest of behavior to hide your feelings from someone because you believe it might make them change their mind about their love life, it is an extremely complicated matter and there are lots of small details that could make lots of difference but as a rule of thumb, I came to the conclusion that the best is to present one's own feelings and allow the other to have access to the truth about you, at the end each of us is responsible for our decisions, and it is their duty to realize what is better for them, and it is on us to present them the best we can that could help them make an aware decision, instead of keeping them in darkness because of fearing their decision would not be what we felt comfortable with, had we been honest with them ...

Recently I were watching some movie adaptations of Victorian area romantic novels, and there, there is this unwritten rule that women should never reject a man's interest, it is the man's job to know whether a woman is interested in him or not, but a woman's role is to only be nice, agreeable and easy going, rejecting a man is impossible, and I believe this is an absolutely stupid opinion, and I had done a similar thing on my own. A similar thing, not the same thing. I had literarily nothing to provide the comforts of life for A. S. if we were together, so since the beginning it was an obvious decision for me that we should never become so interested in each other, and she will be better off with lots of other people, but then her last words in the airport before leaving that she wished to stay here forever, made me think as if I've failed her love, as to me that sentence and the way and circumstance that it was said made me think of it as a half-hearted love confession and I saw myself obliged to that love. I don't agree with the Victorian area's suggestions but I always believed in love; the true and sincere love should never be denied. I have wasted myself and my life on misunderstanding that affection for love; so, I certainly don't wish any woman that I ever felt any affection for going through the same ... I never wanted to count the days but I guess, it was first after about a year that I heard she was married that I stopped my personal commitment to that never-existing love ...

So, I don't wish my nice words about someone, or the publications around my feelings about them, be any motivation for similar behaviors, and I don't care that our society lives on the idea of seeing everything as "selling". I wanted to be dead in every single moment of my life since some of the events that happened between me and A. S., so if for others flirting with someone is something that they expect a return for, me being public about my deepest feelings has nothing to do with such mentalities and world-views, I wasn't blind that there are plenty of women out there all those days, weeks, months and years that I had no other step in my mind and death, you think, I write poems and songs and etc, revealing my deepest feelings because I want to be in bed with someone, firstly that's too cheap a motivation for me, even if I hadn't gone through all those suicide experiences, the bare minimum should be love and marriage, being in bed with someone once, is like having a lick of a chocolate ice cream, I am not claiming I'm an angel and don't have desires, I'm telling I am not satisfied with one lick, I will least have the ice cream shop and the producing company or I don't want to having had tasted that ice-cream. So, it is never a question for me, if there is anything less on the table than the idea of living forever after together ...

But I wasn't aware how different my view about marriage ... first time I was able to put some aspects of these into words, was when I wrote back to the responses of an extremely beautiful, hardworking, intelligent woman, who can make my body act like that of a 12 years old, when she wrote me that she doesn't want me to feel she is interested in me, that we rather be friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, or something similar along these lines ... Having lived all those years and having seen a bit how different my motivations can be from that of others, my response was "I don't want you as a girlfriend, if ever I want more than all of you ...", Anything less is not appealing to me when it comes to matters of the heart and intimate relationships. Just as my promise to myself that very years, I have not been un-public about my feelings for her, but that I don't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever want that to be translated into me being interested in a short-lived affection between us. Me publishing my feelings has nothing to do with her or anyone else on themselves, it was a decision that I found myself unable to react in any other way to my environment.

It is stupid and idiotic to believe I imagine a woman becoming interested in me because she read a few lines about how I amazing I feel she is. Firstly, I don't think that's how the world works; secondly, I don't want a woman's interest in me, when it comes to my [future] helpmate, I am not satisfied with anything other than more than all of her ... No, I don't mean I expect her to be my servant and that's why I use that term or I want her to die for me at a certain point, so that's why I use that combination of words, there is a plain reason for me using those terms, most of the individuals I loved, I mean one or the other I felt there could be a hope that we be lovers, were doubtful about if there is a world after this, but I believe in the existence of such world and my minimum requirement is that we be together in this world and the world thereafter, so, while for them there is nothing more to their existence than what is in this world, for me, the more significant part is the world after this and that's where I want us to love each other too, and that's why more than all of you, because we have differing understandings of what is all of someone.

So, it is plainly nonsense to believe, my imagination is that one word of mine praising you or someone is enough to make such a commitment. I don't want to pretend that there is only one right person for someone, because I don't know how true that viewpoint is, but I also don't believe anyone can feel interested in anyone through the years and circumstances and events, only if they act in particular ways towards each other. While, I hope my publication of my feelings invokes some positive feelings the other woman, I don't believe they should or even are able to have any impact on how her heart feels for me. Look we can be angry, disappointed, frustrated, sad or happy and these feelings are often coupled with how they behave and they are temporary, but these feelings are not the criteria to love each other. No, our feelings are good sings, but they are not the reason, nor the motivation, nor the goal.

Look, I don't feel a bit of contempt, if someone rejects my interest, because they didn't want to be in bed with me. I sincerely preferred death to life, and by that, I don't mean I was angry in a moment, I mean all the joys of this world was unimportant to me, can I then be upset for not being in bed with someone? I being aware of how valueless all the joys of life happened to be for me, provides you with enough confidence to feel no bond in never responding to my feelings, to understand that I'm publishing my feelings is just as it is and it is not part of a plot to gain your attention, or steal your heart or a step in a grandiose plan to make you fall in love with me ...

In the years I have experienced that in some cultures "kissing someone" is far less important than "proposing", in rest of cultures that I am aware of, marriage is rather something like "an automatic next step in life after certain age" but people are enraged when it comes to a kiss or this and that intimate physical interaction, to me, both of these without feelings are like houses with no foundations, sure you may be unable to tell the difference when you look from outside, but a house that has some strong foundation in the ground and the other one that is just walls on top of flat earth don't have similar strength. One is easy to build and deconstruct, the other have lasting influences, to just point at one difference. But me expressing my feelings publicly in one form or the other, has nothing to do with any expectations, whether the other person knew of my feelings or not, there were there and there are there, I think it is stupid to think, I believe I can influence others by telling them my feelings for them, what was important to me was to be able to break out of these misunderstanding, to be free of these looks, and talks and comments as if I had secretly desired to sleep with this or that woman or as if I had already slept with this or that woman, I understand that we are different and maybe we can never truly understand each other, but the bare minimum for me was to be able to be taken seriously when I tell to a woman that "no, I really never thought of you that way", I hated to be taken as a joke when I say, I didn't wish such things, now at least, there are public material about when and how I felt about a woman and anyone else was fortunately or unfortunately not of my interest ... I couldn't react any better to A. S.'s quest to know how could she be sure that I don't say the same to someone else, and I tried to not allow my heart to feel anything for anyone, even about a year after I had heard about her marriage ... So for me publishing my feelings is more my way of responding to all that anyone and everyone was imagining my love life and sexual life happens to be, whom I dream to be erotically intimate with, even if past events made turned the idea of such intimacy to the top of a mountain impossible to reach for me ... I've written article titled "The time I thought, I should have had some sort of sex before …", so I know well that our society makes you feel something is wrong with you, if you never had sex, or maybe better said, if you are not in a romantic relationship, but I found it so hard to live with people who have so many ideas about how I feel and how I think and what I do with this or that woman, and none of it had much to do with me ... It is not about "oh, I am such a good person, I am erotically loyal", if ever I hadn't committed a mistake in any aspect of my life, the God had saved me, but all these aside, publishing my feelings was neither to show what a good guy or what wild and bad boy I am, it was my reaction to be taken seriously about whom I feel something about and how I imagine us to be together, what attracts me to her and etc and it is not about where I live, or that I am a foreigner in this country or that country, what men and women would imagine my expectation on my helpmate to be, or maybe better said, erotic partner, cause that's what everyone is excited to think about, I mean, the few times I would literarily tell someone, "no, I want to marry you", the response was something along the line of "I'm not going to wash the dishes and etc" if they thought of me being a Muslim and Muslim being all patriarch, or otherwise, if my audience were from the Middle East, they thought of my wife being someone whom we go back to that country together, and speak my mother tongue with each other and etc ... I literarily don't write in that language, now you expect me to spend time with a woman who comes from the same language? I guess, if I were so interested in that culture and etc, I would have spent more time producing cultural products for that culture, huh?

I understand me publishing my feelings only will result in breaking the heart of whomever woman who felt interested in me, but maybe at least, this way that interest, if ever, could be for me, and it is your business how you want to judge me who writes for Ashley Frangipane:

The beautiful with the body of a knight

The idol with the voice of a prophet

From the Poem Love Letter For A Dark Angel ...

Halsey en su tour llamado: “The American You(th) Tour”, by Yurikobm

But at least we are clear, not all that I see in a woman is to wash the dishes, nor to be grown up in the same country as me, nor to be ...

But putting non-sense limitations in the mind of people cuz of their perceptions of the world aside, the best I could put in words so far about my aim is:

If ever I want more than all of you ...


  1. of course for a reason, which I won't mention here ... ↩︎

  2. Save you are or become a pirate yourself or as Hafiz would refer to such people, a Rend ↩︎

  3. Please watch the first three movies of the Pirates of the Caribbean to get sure if you are such person or not ... ↩︎

  4. And articles published at The Lost Ideas Lab Journal not only haven't been shy about criticizing them and myself who made such mistakes, but also to be a change in myself, and hopefully some other people ... –by the Lords leave– ↩︎

  5. Thanks to Daniela Jonas ↩︎

Awareness
Notes around 2017 Manchester Arena bombing
Regardless of claims made by loud voices in the West or the Middle East, the terrorist attacks by standalone actors are results of economical, political and social structures and functions in our societies. As a society can't exist without each of its individual members, and as these symptoms as grown so far that they appear as a problem, it is upon each of us, at least each free-spirited human beings in these societies, to take action on changing these economical, political and social structures and functions in our societies.
Backstage
Intimate tale behind Alt. Fashion
Alt. Fashion is an idea aimed at initiating some foundational shifts around fashion ...
Inspired by others
I would fall short and feel disappointed in myself
I hope reading this article will provide you with a rich thought environment, to be able to see what following your passion, or the modern day equivalent, your childhood dreams, means and why it is important ... and specially in case you are one of the individuals who silently suffer from the belief that what you want is wrong or impossible, or perhaps more often than not both of them, why you should attempt to liberate yourself from it, why it is not only important for your mental and emotional and spiritual health but that any other way of life than this would ultimately be an unsuccessful one ...
Miscellaneous
The Ridiculous Amount of Energy It Takes to Run Bitcoin
Peter Fairley
Sep 28, 2017
Awareness
What Hillary Clinton Really Represents
Abby Martin
Apr 17, 2016
Inspired by others
Review of "The The Divine Within"
Maria Popova
Jul 22, 2015
Miscellaneous
Why Facebook shouldn't be allowed to buy TBH
Ben Thompson
Oct 23, 2017
Awareness
Our minds can be hijacked
Paul Lewis
Oct 6, 2017

Dates

  • Published: Tuesday, July 18, 2017
  • Published:

Keywords

Credits

  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

from Penumbra

Series of Random Works