Penumbra

Invisible tales behind a brief moment of exchange …

Sometimes you feel so lost and you are so inexperienced about some aspects of life that a brief moment of exchange that to others may not be as complicated as it is for you, becomes a manifestation, a mixture of lots of defining tales in your life retold in few seconds ...
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I met Muhammad on the way and greeted him and shook his hand ...


In the past, the very few typical examples I've heard about how single events changed this or that individual's life, sort of led me living the life as if I were waiting for such events to take place, and to be honest, going through life with such expectation in the back of my mind, had only lead me to disappointment, or on other occasions to become an easy prey to be betrayed, especially in respect of trust ...


Thinking to myself:

The promise I made to myself to update this blog every day and the promise to publish updates about important events in my life ...

But I'm still dealing with the impacts of that moment, how can I write something about it, how to write something about it in a blog post, isn't it too little?

... but then it will make her think, I'm too obsessed with her ... and the experience had shown me what I considered a healthy portion of obsession in the eyes of average people is "crazy" ...

I conclude maybe I should keep a bit of more of feelings to myself, or perhaps even better, I should rethink what I imagine love to look like in my life personally ...


Of course, I wished to give her something with double meaning, a bit of romance and a bit of friendship, the bit of friendship to be as an act of respecting her wish for what kind of relationship should be between us ...

What about the bit of romance ...?

No, back then I couldn't even think of her age, so I did never guess how old she was, otherwise, I've shied off ever contacting her, at least, as back then I believe I better be with a woman who is older than me ...

So, the bit of romantically interpretable part of the gift was supposed to be an act of telling the truth, and an act of letting her know ... I mean, I couldn't find a reason so far to tell myself why she can't be my "right woman" ...


I will be lighted up to see her thriving ...

I enjoy her company so much as someone who understands well, who knows much ...

and she is this very hard-working human being, at least about school subjects ...

I guess it was once when I overheard a conversation between her father and her over the phone that I sort of felt her father's concern is more along the line of why she didn't get a better grade in that course and she is this shy woman who wouldn't ...

I don't have easy criteria, even not on people, I would like so much ... I mean, just like the close you are to fire, more you will meet its heat, the closer someone to me, my harsh criteria would be barer towards them but I've seen her hard work about one or two courses and assuming she would be the same on each course, judging based on her grades, so sure, I would prefer us to first celebrate her success ...

Regardless of how tempting the idea of self-criticism might be, a brief moment of celebrating her success is non-negotiable for me ...


I left only one half of my gift to her hands ...


As an adult, how your parents have treated you turns so meaningless, as soon as you realize the world is undiscovered enough by you, to one day run into someone whom you sincerely love each other ... but the meaningless of past events don't free of their impacts, of the inability to finding the right words in expressing yourself when it comes to someone you wish to have an emotional bond with ... you can't learn the lessons a child would automatically pick from his or her environment, just by growing into adulthood ...

Sometimes I'm frustrated by the degree of planning I require to realize how to react to a situation ...

Other times I'm frustrated by having no idea about whether how little or too far is what I'm doing, no, I mean, when you have never received praised for what was important to you, but you received praise for what was important to your parents, and you always told to yourself that has nothing to do with me, you just can't imagine how the other person is receiving your efforts, it is hard to read other persons feeling when you have never been in a similar situation, and it becomes impossible, when the other person is someone you wish there to be some degree of emotional bond between you, so whatever they feel is so impactful on you that you can't step out of the situation and look at the events and try to understand how she felt or how she didn't felt ...


Multiple times over I wanted to turn back ... I secretly wished TPG would have an accident and by the time I arrive at the university, she had long left it ...


Of course, you wish to be more social and celebrating things with mutual friends and ... but sometimes you're terrible at making friends too ...

Sometimes you imagine even an interaction with one other person is something that you will easily mess up with, not to mention getting others around you, which not only you don't know how to behave, but the presence of others consumes your energy multiple times faster than if you were with fewer people ...


Thanks to the Lord, I missed the previous class and I wanted to meet the professor and I got caught on the day so I had to go in the evening there and ...

and I sincerely would not have had the courage to speak to her again ...

She was sitting there alone in the dark ...


That:

... but her existence alone makes me need to live ...

"The invisible sacrifices for the voiceless love", May 6, 2017

That too contributed to me not to escape in a world of fantasy and treat my own life as if it were a fiction, but rather embrace the moments as moments of my own life ...

So, yeah, all the happy ending stories have feature individuals who feel affection for the person who is meant to be loved by them ... and it feels strange a man whose so handicap in social interactions as me, would like someone whom he knows, he is the wrong person for her, so much, that he tries to come up with ideas about how to do things he never did for anyone else in his life ...

My sister is the closest person in my family since very years, yet you ask her about what I did on her birthdays ... okay, I didn't ignore all of them, but nearly all of them ...


Four times women whom we were friends hugged me in the moments I didn't anticipate it and because of that and because we were already familiar, my alarm system could not overreact, like it always does, and it felt good to be that way ... and all of those women were in a relationship, so there was really no romantic intention between us, at least I guess that they were in a relationship is a good reason to say not from their side, and about myself I know, I didn't feel or wish or hoped for anything other than how we were ...

and few times I wanted to hug female friends, mostly, people I felt interested in more than being a friend, and either they had rejected me in the best possible way or we didn't wish to be together and it went all the way wrong, each time wronger than the previous ones ...

If it were after my taste, I like to respect Islam's limitation and don't have physical contact with stranger women, but some of those individuals were really against Islam, or some perhaps against all God-believing religions altogether, some of those occasions where moments when my friend would be about to cry and it didn't feel like a culturally and morally acceptable choice to not hug her, because not doing so has strong cultural meaning and I didn't wish to communicate such meaning and I could guess my partner would have no understanding for why if I cared for her tears and her sadness I didn't hug her ...

Once, about the national exam, which is an extremely big thing in Iran, and to me personally, is a fraud and I never wished the result of it be considered as the reason why I am accepted in a university or not, and thankfully I ended up in a university that didn't require such results necessarily ... so my result was beyond anything anyone in our extended family had ever achieved and there was this friend and family member with whom I was close, even later with his wife I was a friend, so he was at our house and he jumped from the sofa and hugged me so strongly, and even though I hated that exam and I regret having taken no other path than taking part in it, I was so touched by his happiness for me ... but that is still not close to something I could imitate in my life ...

As my personal batch of experience is too limited, as you see, for example, about celebrating success there is this one single example, I am sometimes left trying to compensate my lack of personal experience by observing examples from movies and add them to my collection of personal experiences, of course that doesn't really feel like a personal experience, but at least, it gives me an idea of how my behavior should look like or which behavior expresses which feeling, so the best personal example I have on top of my mind is how Mr Darcy hugs her sister at the end of her playing a piece on the piano:

Pride & Prejudice, directed by Joe Wright (2005; Focus Features, Universal Pictures, StudioCanal)

Surely, I'm the wrong guy for her, but still I don't want her to be my sister, as said, I really trouble with having an idea about what to say or what to do, or how to move, and so, this particular style of movement was my imagination about how I should have been when we receive the result of the semester ...

I still find it unimaginable to what great length I went to show her that I didn't try to celebrate something with her because I wished her to find me attractive or whatever, but that she matters to me as a human being just as it is, regardless of whatever be the future of our interactions ...


On the way back I met Muhammad again and I greet him again and this time he didn't continue with the usual sentences but seriously asked: "Hossein, is everything all right with you?"

I wanted to opt-in for the typical response and say "yeah, of course" but I was shaking from top to the bottom and I guess you could even see sweat all over my body, so I said, "no, lots of things are wrong but I've to go ..."


I didn't know how things would go, or better said, I couldn't figure out how miserably I would loose my face in front of her ... I just tried to come up with short explanations or descriptions, or I don't ... I was just trying to present my gift as something acceptable, as some sort of I really do feel great that you are successful and that if your hard-work and determination is because this is what you really want in life, I wish to be supportive of your success ... and that I also don't wish to celebrate your success with you, if I'm not the person you want to have around ...

I was so much in shock and fear and danger-response ...

Even if the years and past events had made it impossible for me to find joy in life, or maybe better said, to appreciate joy in life,

Here is a photo from the morning after:

Even if I'm still a bit in that danger-response state of psyche, you should know, for someone who would not mind to not open his curtains for days and sit the whole day in darkness, if it be one of those days when I deal with pain, to be outside and looking at the sun early in the morning is non-possible occurrence ...

I don't like her to be with someone who's wrong for her, so I hope this little telling, be a bit encouragement that it is really no need to reciprocate anything ... if I ever did or do anything because of how much I like her, that's because of how much I like her, so it makes no sense to imagine she has anything to return because of the things I do because of who I am

Dates

  • Published: Friday, September 29, 2017
  • Published:

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Credits

  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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