Penumbra

List of signs of living as a wallflower ...

Some call it being a loser, to some it's a never ending quest for answering the question "what's wrong with me", to others its the invisible, the never told secret that answer the questions why they left with no signs ...
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About two weeks ago, I wrote a piece about reviving finances of Lost Ideas Lab, if you know me in person, respecting my interactions with other business-owners, you could wonder how could it be, me who is so hopeful about turning the business of other people into profitable global ventures, is so unable to even barely meet his own financial ends ...

For a long time I troubled accepting my life being spent on ideas at Lost Ideas Lab, I mean, when the most intense interaction you ever had with your parents, were more or less claiming my life were theirs and not mine, you can't really feel confident to break from that cycle, and even if you do, because you are so lonely and all on your own and you never learned anything at all about following your dreams, you would end up taking paths that would only result in your failure.

My mother would tell me she isn't going to be responsible if I don't follow her advice and when I grew up people ask themselves what a parent did I have.

Even now it is so hard for me to accept these interactions actually happened between us, they would use methods like these and conversations like these whenever something was terribly wrong in their opinion, it was so extraordinary for me to see a woman whom I like, can influence my behavior and my choice by complimenting me something or telling she enjoyed something that I did or how she felt about things ... my mother was a married woman, so I can't imagine she never knew these things in her life, but I can't recall ever being the subject of interaction regarding how they felt about me, it was always how people would talk about her when they saw my behavior or how they would talk about me, I can't grasp why she should be so emotionless, or better said, to me, someone like that is not your mother ...

My father's most intimate exchange with me would always circle around the worldview that his children being his biggest investments ... almost as if we do something that doesn't bring them the result they wanted, we have faulted their investment. But we were separate human beings than them, we had an identity of our own, or at least we should have had, and our lives shouldn't be about bringing them the results they assumed for their investments, I think reading this sounds funny but my father was so invested in this "investment worldview" that if I could achieve something beyond what his assumptions were, it wouldn't mean him anything at all, until someone from outside would come over and praise my achievement to him, then he would realize, oh, actually his investment wasn't worthless

In adulthood, my inability to add, to make meaningful connections with others for who I am, or even the minimum, building an online network of followers, only added to my troubles of overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect ...

I don't know how familiar you are with this term but I've been in search of answers for "what's wrong with me" and "why I can't do anything I dream" for a couple of years now and Jonice Webb's work while at its core very simple, because the main idea quite counter intuitive, is hard to notice on your own especially when you are looking for something that is wrong, in fact, it is "something" that is wrong rather "the absence of things".

Perhaps I'm an exceptionally intense case for Childhood Emotional Neglect but I like to list the signs in adults, maybe if they resonate with you too, or if those who are close to you or those who wished to be close to you & you pushed them away see you like these, perhaps it might not be a bad idea to give Jonice Webb's book "Running On Empty" a read:

  1. Feelings of Emptiness
    • at times, you feel physically empty inside
    • you are emotionally numb
    • you question the meaning or purpose of life
    • you have suicidal thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere
    • you are a thrill-seeker
    • you feel mystifyingly different from other people
    • you often feel like you're on the outside looking in
  2. Counter-dependence
    • you've had feelings of depression but you don't know why
    • you have inexplicable, longstanding wishes to run away or simply be dead
    • you remember your childhood as lonely, even if it was happy
    • others describe you as aloof
    • loved ones complain that you emotionally distant
    • you prefer to do things yourself
    • it's very hard to ask for help
    • you're not comfortable in close relationships
  3. Unrealistic Self-Appraisal
    • it's hard to identify your talents
    • you sense that you may tend to over-emphasize your weaknesses
    • it's hard to say what you like and dislike
    • you're not sure what your interests are
    • you give up quickly when things get challenging
    • you chose the wrong career or changed several times
    • you often feel like a "square pig in a round hole," a misfit
    • you're unsure what your parents think (or thought) of you
  4. No Compassion for Self, Plenty for Others
    • others often seek you out to talk about their problems
    • others often tell you that you're a good listener
    • you have very little tolerance for your own mistakes
    • there is a critical voice inside your head, pointing out your errors and flaws
    • you're much harder on yourself than you are on others
    • you often feel angry with yourself
  5. Guilt and Shame: What is Wrong with Me?
    • you sometimes feel depressed sad or angry, for no apparent reason
    • you sometimes feel emotionally numb
    • you have feeling that something is wrong with you
    • you feel that you are somehow different from other people
    • you tend to push down feelings or avoid them
    • you try to hide your feelings so others won't see them
    • you tend to feel inferior to others
    • you feel you have no excuse for not being happier in your life
  6. Self-Directed Anger, Self-Blame
    • you get angry at yourself easily and often
    • you use alcohol or drugs as a release
    • you often feel disgusted with yourself
    • you have self-destructive episodes or tendencies
    • you blame yourself for not being happier and more "normal"
  7. The Fatal Flaw (If People Really Know Me They Won't Like Me)
    • you fear getting close to people
    • it's hard to open up to even your best friends
    • you tend to expect rejection around every corner
    • you avoid initiating friendships
    • it can be hard for you to keep conversations going
    • you feel that if people get too close to you, they won't like what they see
  8. Difficulty Nurturing Self and Others
    • people sometimes tell you that you come across as distant, or maybe even cold
    • people sometimes think you're arrogant
    • you often think others are too emotional
    • others come to you for practical advice, but not for emotional support
    • you feel uncomfortable when someone cries in your presence
    • you are uncomfortable crying yourself, specially in the presence of another person
    • you don't like the feeling that someone really needs you
    • you don't like feeling needy
  9. Poor Self-Discipline
    • you feel that you are lazy
    • you're a procrastinator
    • you have great difficulty with deadlines
    • you tend to overeat, drink too much, oversleep or overspend
    • you are bored with the tedium of life
    • you tend to avoid mundane tasks
    • you get angry at yourself for how little you get done
    • you're an underachiever
    • you have poor self-discipline
    • you're often disorganized, even though you know you have the capacity to do better
  10. Alexithymia
    • you have a tendency to be irritable
    • you are seldom aware of having a feeling
    • you are often mystified by others' behavior
    • you are often mystified by your own behavior
    • when you do get angry, it tends to be excessive or explosive
    • sometimes your behavior can seem rash to yourself and others
    • you feel that you are fundamentally different from other people
    • something is missing inside you
    • your friendships lack depth and substance

I'm not trying to blame my parents or my past for my current circumstance and avoid my responsibility, but it is important to understand what you need to change in your life to be where you want to be, or better said, to understand how to be yourself ...

Dates

  • Published:

Credits

  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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