Penumbra

Helplessness & knowing oneself

Helplessness can be real or imagined, but sometimes your own helplessness becomes invisible to yourself, because it is caused by things you have no idea of their existence ... sometimes this helplessness can be about most important decisions in your life, this is an intimate story of such cases ...
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I forget all things & everything ... or better said, in the past I didn't really understand what it meant, I could wake up feeling absolutely nothing, be absolutely nothing, not even remember what I had in mind yesterday, what I set myself up for, what I'm working on at the moment and why sometimes states like these could take till noon or at worst till 1 or 2 pm. So, I always feared that I had to write down everything ... now I understand, you can call these experiences "disassociation".

In any case, I wished to write about: I had this collection of things, drafts of SMS, letters, talks, questions, ideas, tasks on my Evernote written down each day and some of those days are so painful that I never wanted to go back to them and organize such notes, now my notebook has more than 500 notes, each at least an A4 page long. So, it'll take lots of time to organize them ...

Going back to the days I couldn't handle anything at all, I can't imagine what I was writing, reading them back to myself. After watching a documentary on Borderline Personality Disorder, I finally can understand what I was doing. One of the individuals that the program featured would write letters in her blood to her best female friend as she grew distant from her ... She was being accused of being manipulative and the psychologist Marsha Linehan explains:

manipulation is when you consciously try to get someone to do something for you, without them knowing that you actually got them to do it. these individuals very rarely have the end of personal skills to figure out how to get you to do things in an unobtrusive way

I don't know, it sounds quite unimaginable to put it this way, but I really didn't know what is that I want from her or what is that I don't want from her, or better said to make sense of what I was feeling mean. Thanks the God, back then by accident I made this music video remix inspired by being witness to that scene and that was the first time in my life, I actually became aware that if someone you thought to be exceptionally valuable and wished to grow intimate rejects you, the answer is not to be dead, this realization was so out of my world, that I even wrote a note on the page for that project, reading:

Dear people behind Pride & Prejudice, I owe you all lots of thanks, for the first time in my life, I get to know a man who couldn’t do small talks, nor touch a woman’s hand and not feel uncomfortable with it & being rejected so blatantly twice & yet still don’t loosing himself to despair, that has never been my life & so far I was not able to act similarly even though I wished to, but I sincerely owe you a thank [...] your work thought me a lesson I never learned from my parents, my extended family, any of my friends [...]

So, now four months later, I'm finally capable of articulating what that fundamental lecture from that movie was for me. Becoming her romantic partner depends on lots of things totally out of my control, or even the few that might be in my control, I'm not going to be good at them. So, it doesn't make any sense to explain how much I need her.

Before watching this documentary, I never imagined telling someone that you need them is going to be seen as "manipulative"; What I imagined would happen is that you're letting someone know what you need the most is him or her and so he or she is going to have an unfair advantage over you, and knowing that he or she can manipulate you however he or she wishes. But apparently, in the eyes of others, you're the one being manipulative. You're forcing someone into having a relationship with you ...

Less than a month later after that incident I published the article with the title "The game I can't play", subtitled "Maybe, I only missed to calculate whom I can’t be with, in advance ..." while that was the first time I did sit with myself, discussing how uneasy it is for me to build emotional attachment and how sometimes deliberately and sometimes unintentionally I avoid behaviors that could encourage intimacy, even then I couldn't formulate what was it that I should have wished for, the article ended with the lines:

Allah, either protect me of my feelings for her or allow these feelings to be Your mercy between us ...

and a few days afterward I added:

PS. of course, I guess there are lots of other things that make me unattractive too & you don’t wish the person you love to be with someone, you yourself find unattractive, not to mention hate most of the times ...

Still, I don't see myself, I assume no power for myself, I assume no ability to change anything about my conditions, even though I'm in pain, and I can't function properly, either consumed by the question, thoughts and feelings I don't know what to do with them, nor find the comfort to talk with her about them, or otherwise I'm engaged in my personal means of self-destruction and dissociation ...

Still, I couldn't see the way-out for myself, I was caught in this state of hopelessness and helplessness. The tasks and the decisions I had to make for my life and my professional well-being pile up every day more than before, and I'm just stuck with being too overwhelmed to deal with them, and when I'm not overwhelmed, I avoid them because I fear engaging with them would bring up feelings and questions that I can't deal with.

And I still didn't see the link between all these. I couldn't ask myself: "what is it that you want" and "how can you get there" ... I don't know, maybe this is because the way I was brought up. I remember that my emotions and thoughts did never matter. There were so many negative experiences accompanying each time I tried to present myself or open up myself a bit that I end up even hiding my wishes from my own self.

I hope the God forgives me, then no matter how much gifts given to me from Him, helplessness has grown to be my only perception of my self. That is terrible, don't ever be like me in this respect ...

Now, going back through the SMS-s about how much I needed her and the grinding arguments of a two-year-old to an adult about why he or she is interesting ... It's really unimaginable I can be so stupid using a two-year-old's logic to overcome abandonment, anyway, looking through those drafts of SMS I caught myself telling to myself:

What are you doing? If you want to be that attractive to someone that she wished she build a family with you, you go and put your effort on being that ... you try to become the best person who steals her heart just by being there ...

I never asked what is that I wish for or whenever I did, my answer to myself was that she is better off with another person than me. I kind of hide it even from myself that I wish to build a family together, maybe it was partly because I knew too little about her and the first time I asked her that I want to get to know you more, her response was that I'm not her right guy.

I don't know whether we could hypothetically have been such a heavenly couple or not, but I think instead of being desperate and helpless and lost, I should have been open to myself about what inspires me, "the idea of being a couple, building our family", then it was easy to come up with some ideas about what I could do on my side to make it possible, the very first perhaps being more successful and fixing the destruction in my life ...

Wow, it was so hard to bring it to my conscious what I feel inspired towards ...

May the Lord help me, even though I guess, I'm already extremely too late for everything in life ...

PS. I don't wish to promote age difference in the choice of your future spouse. I mean, I believe age difference more than a year will result in that romantic relationship facing far greater dangers than if the age gap wasn't that wide ...

References

Lichtenstein, B (dir) 2006, Back from the Edge, Documentary, Lichtenstein Creative Media, USA.

Dates

  • Published:
  • Published: Sunday, June 24, 2018

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from Penumbra

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