Penumbra

Spoonful of chocolate vs walking on a tightrope

Sometimes people believe the woman you love can be found anywhere, while in reality it is ...
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So many times, I was so motivated by the idea that someone cares about me, and wants to give me suggestions to improve my life or something like this, but then all that was there was that I should go out more and meet more women and etc. and etc. When Aline's parents gave me this advice, I followed for a year or two, but it was bullshit, it was true bullshit, everything that these idiots promise you is bullshit ...

Finally, I found something that maybe can explain to others why I have no eye on dating ... that's what I need, a woman who reads sings this with her blood, with each of her pulses ...

Tightrope soundtrack from The Greatest Showman

I'm terrible in interactions, and I hate the most that my behavior isn't enough explanation that even though I'm too alone & for too long & I hate being alone ... I'm not looking for any woman ever, cuz you can't find the women who meet this requirement by looking for them... That's my minimum requirement & most people think I'm joking, but I'm not, I'm fucking not joking.

I don't mind the idea that beautiful women are so attractive and desirable and everything every man is ought to wish, but to me that's like chocolate, firstly it's not free, secondly, it only keeps you upright for the brief moment that you're tasting it, the rest of the time your broken heart remains as it is.

I'm not homosexual, I'm not interested in dating your girlfriend, and just because I asked you how you withstand your long-distance relationship, I wasn't indirectly asking you for breaking up with your boyfriend as you did, and I'm certainly certainly certainly not interested that you set me up with someone you have no clue what they want & what I want in life and whether they ever meet each others' dreams ...

In the past, I had a good heart, I blindly believed people, and I imagined there is no reason to lie to someone about whether you're interested in what they're doing or not, but apparently that's how women handle their relationship with men, and perhaps that works, and there are biological underpinnings for it, but I can't accept liars even in my friend circle, not to mention my heart.

Maybe no man on earth has the love for chocolate that I have [I mean the literarily chocolate], but I can guarantee you I've no interested to trade the possibility of finding a soulmate with chocolate [I mean it in metaphorical sense], cuz my heart is too shattered to fix it with one spoonful of chocolate per day, sorry ... I really loved to be desired, admired, loved and everything, but if your life isn't a proof of living on the tightrope, it's not to share it together, not even for a single day, not even a one night stand. Not even if you're S____ & my heart values you beyond measure ...

PS. You're perhaps doing the right thing if I were the person you believed me to be, but I'm not, I'm sorry that I can't explain myself better, but I'm not sorry for what the God has created if anyone it's His issue ...


I published the above section of this text first on Facebook for friends only, because I needed to get these words out of me, for many reasons ... The section was partly triggered by a conversation with a "friend1", but that conversation was perhaps just the final stroke of triggers, otherwise similar conversations hadn't been rare in my interactions with others, whom I was considering friends at times. I hate that men behave so as if they see in women nothing but a sex toy, and especially as we live in times that robots could surpass any woman in being an obedient wish-fulfilling pleasant toy, that view seems so misguided. I’ve written on this issue, even talked with few of such friends personally that I don’t like this talking about stranger women’s body in front of me, unless there be a sincere interest of his, he will be motivated in marrying that woman2 and even under such occasions, I rather not hear how he feels about her breast or ass or etc., because it is not my business, knowing he feels attracted to her [body] is enough. Because I considered him a "friend", in the above section I started with accepting a version of that worldview and then claiming that this is never satisfying for me, and perhaps for other men, it would also lack on quality.

Unfortunately, we live in cultures that humans are very easily reduced to objects, so most people easily forget that considering women only sex objects is an act of "dehumanization". Such practice is clearly against many of things I value, many moral, religious and ethical perspective of the world ... You can read Berne Brown’s blog post on "dehumanization", if you have trouble relating to the idea that referring to women as "chocolate" or erotic interactions as "spoonful of chocolate" is an extremely mild form of dehumanization. But the point of doing so was to raise awareness, not to promote this worldview on women, neither on what men ought to expect in women ...

Sometimes women themselves push you to treat them like "sex toys" ... I believe comparing women with chocolate even though sounds sweet and innocent on the surface, is an extremely mild form of terrible acts of denigration and I really do believe this is denigration and I did it consciously, not to denigrate women, but to demonstrate that thinking of women as mere sex objects even if done in sweet and pleasant wordings3, still falls short behind what a romantic relationship is ought to be about. The point of this note was to demonstrate a woman is "not a source of chocolate"4.

I don't expect every single man out there to be able to relate to my need for companion, as perhaps most men out there are much more emotionally healthy, they don’t come from childhood full of emotional neglect 5, nor do they bear a burden of sexual trauma from childhood, and perhaps the only emotional attachment they had with the opposite sex in adulthood is not with a woman who used him as a cheap jealousy toy to make her boyfriend stay with her, without telling the poor boy what is his use to her life. I believe it should be obvious that for someone with such backgrounds, erotic interactions with the opposite sex are clearly not what would be of any benefit because there are many foundations necessary for such relationship which are destroyed or at least gravely damaged in that person. So, I imagined everyone can agree that it is rational that I don't really want to have anything erotic with anyone, if there isn't real trust, admiration, and respect for each other between us, and lots of other things ... and if you know, I do believe in Islam6, so in addition to all these come the requirement to be married before there be anything erotic between us. And it is not only Islam, my belief in marriage, comes from a totally different place than Islam, it was really studying about attachment, human psychology and etc., in search of finding what is wrong with me, that made me realize, marriage, with all the problems, risk, disadvantages, and costs that it can bring to one, is really a necessary and a healthy solution and that it should be there before sex ...

But even if you aren't as damaged as I'm, I guess, you can imagine, that you or the man of your interest [in case you are a woman reading this text] is not going to be immune to emotional pain for the rest of his life, even if he is healthy today. So a female romantic partner isn’t just supposed to satisfy the role of a sex toy7.

Romantic relationships are excessively unique to every single individual, so you really shouldn't pick anyone as your role-model and try to copy every single footstep of theirs, and so the above section wasn't meant to encourage others to live their lives exactly like mine. In this respect, meaning, to wish that they cooperate with their romantic partner even in their profession and on a 24x7 basis, for example like the Curie family8, but even if like most healthy people you don't have any need for having your romantic partner in your professional life, I believe, men and women have to realize and accept that romantic relationship is not only and only about other's body [on side of male's expectations on women & woman's duty] and the financials [on the side of female's expectations & man's duty].

In my intimate poems, I’ve written praises of someone’s body or body part, and it was done for she herself exclusively9.

Hence, I do believe talking about body, body-parts, physical attraction, erotic, sex, and etc. with your romantic partner, and perhaps a portion of such conversations could be beneficial before any form of courtship, so you both be on the same page about what kind of relationship you're going to expect or wish to build between the two of you, an exaggerated case would be not to marry someone that you thought she or he is super hot and you thought she or he thinks the same of you but you’re both shy and inhibited and didn't really display it that much and then afterward discover that his or her perception of marriage is that it is a social contract and sexual desires ought to be repressed, and so he or she did not bother about who he or she felt physical attraction to in their body, and the further you push him or her you realize that that person isn't you. Such attitudes, in my opinion, are wrong, a life where you're born with sexual desires and yet deny its existence inside you is a life under repression and it is not going to work out in the end, but that doesn't mean to go around and brag about it to your friends or to do it without any moral and ethical consideration. I mean, everyone has it [or almost everyone] and what matters is whether you and your [future] partner really fit each other, are really that attracted to each other, and so on, but that's really between you and your partner, not a third-person's opinion about whether that woman's ass or breast are worthy of consideration or whether a third person validates your attraction to her body parts. You don't need that. You need she accepting your attraction ... So it is ultimately very necessary to reassure one another that you really do want someone’s body and you really do feel crazy about it, if you are someone who thinks erotic is a gift from the God and belongs to the package of a healthy marriage, but I don’t believe that’s all that matters. With enough time and effort, you can [probably] feel sexual attraction to anyone10 who is kind to you, who treats you affectionately and with care and attention, who loves you in your love language, as Gary D. Chapman puts it. But, of course, it's not enough. Perhaps an element of spiritual destiny is also necessary, and maybe some special erotic attraction to one another could be a sign for it, but maybe not. Maybe that attraction is only a sign of lust. So at the end of the day, whether a girl or a woman is objectively erotically attractive or not11 is irrelevant because it is only those two individual's attraction to one another that matters, even if you're Diana and you marry Prince charming, he may not really love you that much and that's the end of the story. I recently saw her wedding videos, they looked fabulous. Do you know her remarks about that day? "The worst day of my life". So, men and women who judge themselves or each other by objective physical attraction criteria have really no interest in what love stands for, rather have lots of interest of having beautiful photos and videos in the spotlights. I prefer, rather my helpmate and I be in each others' hearts' spotlights the most attractive individual in the world to one another.

I kind of imagined when you read the first part of this text, you'll realize all these insights on your own, but maybe I put to much trust that my friends on Facebook understand my perspectives, or think the same as me. I imagined instead of expressing these perspectives blatantly as if I’m lecturing you, because who am I to lecture any adult on romantic love? I'm really not qualified for such occasions due to lack of experience, before any other reason. I'm not doing fake modesty here, I never even kissed a woman, so, I’m really not qualified to write lecture style works on romantic love unless the pain grows too bitter and the side-effects of misunderstandings seem too grave. So, I thought, if I use my own self as an example, in this way I’m not down-grading that individual and all others who gave me such suggestions to the level of “student” and put myself on the pedestal of “lecturer” while in fact, most of those individuals12 seems to have had previous sexual &/or romantic relationship(s) with the opposite sex ...

So, yes, I was using my own self to make a point. Otherwise, I never wished for "chocolate" in that sense ... why the hell am I using metaphors, I'll put my courage together and tell the whole story, at least, the part that is relevant, may the Lord help, those who need to hear it, understand and accept me:

When I was younger, better said, before being an adult, I always considered marriage before sex, and for many other reasons, I never looked for a girlfriend.

But to be honest, I didn't felt the motivation and excitements other felt in themselves about the idea of getting laid, so there was no urge to be in a romantic relationship, to ever look or desire a girlfriend, other than the society made me feel inadequate for being a male adult and not being crazy to get into women’s pants.

People think, I speak my mind, I'm strong, I'm a rebel, or whatever, but I really couldn't handle the scrutiny that I'm a young adult, and I'm not interested in women, and literarily when I realized that's too much awkwardness to take in, I tried to fake that I do have such interests, especially around strangers whom we weren't close friends. Back then, I didn’t have the bravery to state: "look, I was raped when a child, and I can't even handle the thought of it ... I don't know what I could do to be the guy you think me to be, maybe I need to put the pieces in my brain back together, maybe I can learn to be like others a regard sex as a pleasurable act but I can't do it only because you talk about it as it is ...". I guess, people can't imagine that the pleasant or unpleasant memories they have about sex in their adult life that makes them want it more each time they remember it is not really the same with someone like me. When the only real-life examples you know on your own skin are painful memories, as long as you're conscious and the trauma not healed, you can't wish to repeat them ... A few years later, the first time I tried to face my discomfort about this issue was writing a piece subtitled "The time I thought, I should have had some sort of sex before ..." ...

As soon as you tell people you aren't looking for a girlfriend and you believe in marriage before sex, their image of you changes to someone in search for a bride, but I'm not, nor did I ever was. As said, marriage isn't a much comfortable thought specially when you're afraid that the most important interactional change before and after marriage, is something you aren't really sure about your mental response to it and of course, you don't want to be the disappointment to the woman in the one single area that marriage conventionally was supposed to be a permission for it.

But I really felt desperate for emotional attachment, I still do, so whenever I felt I can find that source of emotional stability for myself in someone, that source of unconditional love and understanding ... hey, don't laugh at me guys, I'm not exaggerating, just because I come from a childhood that I learned ignorance and passive-aggressively and all the rest of emotionally abusive behavior is how your parents love you and love each other, doesn't mean I didn't want love. Sure, I needed heavy relearning of what is love, to be able to see there were not much chance of love between me and this or that individual, but I really couldn't, I'm still not over the impact my parents had over me, over my perception of what love is, or how you treat someone with whom you have an emotional bond, sorry ...

But whenever, even though my barometer is totally broken since childhood, whenever I felt I could find love and attachment for myself in someone, I did try to marry this person or that person in my own unique, unusual and culturally unconventional way. The motivation wasn't how we're going to look like in bed, I never really imagined it. The motivation, save one time, was because I thought I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, and also partly I kind of felt like I owed that person reciprocation of her affection, her care, or for some other reasons ...

So, I think if we can have adult conversations on Facebook13, look, if you like to have some serious conversation, what I can tell about myself, regarding all things romantic relationship related, is, I wish to build a family with someone we love each other. Actually, why hide. The "someone" is a real human being and not a hypothetical one, and maybe if I didn't know her, I would never come up with such vision for my life ... God knows better.

Maybe I owe an apology, if this text misled you in any way, especially if it sounded like advocacy for taking "a spoonful of chocolate per day". To be honest, I realized a day after that I published the piece, that people would think I meant "going down on her", that was totally the accident, maybe my subconscious couldn't accept me really doing it, so just oral14 ...

Look, just because it doesn't work that way for me, I don't want to say it is wrong that sexual needs remind you to go out and/or to work on yourself and learn to treat someone from the opposite sex in an affectionate manner ... Actually, even though nobody tells you, love doesn't work naturally, you really need to learn some skills, even if you and someone are soulmates, without those skills you are going to feel frustrated, hurt, harmed and etc by each other ...

But let's go back talking about myself because I think this piece more than everything misled others about what I stand or don't stand for. So, let's start with more ordinary themes:

I've been laughed and frowned at by men and women for saying I wish to marry someone, and that's about people who know me enough in person, who wouldn't dare to take it as a blatant lie.

And there are many private reasons for me to not want sex before marriage, but the boldest one is that I need this strict distinction for the sake of my own mental health. I need this distinction because "casual", "keeping it simple", "open relationship", and all other nonsense, makes it too close on the border of sexual abuse, especially as there is no need for any other form of bonding but erotic one. I don't want to do that to myself. In the past, it meant me a lot, that a night out with someone, whom I, at least, I wished we respected each other as much as friends do, I'll be her laughingstock as when asked about love I responded with "of course, marriage and ...", now having a reason that adults find unspeakable, I don't like to care about the laughs and frowns ... and those who disbelieve, hopefully, set themselves up for bitter disappointments.

I'm not an angel. I have all the animal urges that everyone has, but maybe a little less developed and more like a 15-years old who wants to touch a woman's body out of curiosity and not out of any romantic feelings, but sure I can occasionally feeling erotic things ...

I never thought about marriage before meeting A. S. No, I forgot it, there was an instance where I wanted to love someone to make her feel loved and I thoughts if she accept my affection, I have to marry her but I wasn't mentally prepared for it, and I was so relieved when she rejected me, and she rejected me in the sweetest way possible. Ever since each time I tried to reject a woman I tried to be like her, praise everything I find praise-worthy, yes, I even called one or two individuals "very sexy" in person, so ...

The truth is, when I did think about marriage, it wasn't a surprise that I can't really be part of any present-day culture and the way they do it ... but as said, I really want it for the sake of my own mental well-being.

To be honest, I had no interest in marrying someone now, or later ... when I was an adolescent, I thought perhaps at 30, not any sooner, when I was asked once. Recently, however, life realities slap me hard in the face: we had some coursework for the psychology class and I kind of realized everyone had had sex at my age, and so it looks like, I'm running out of time to find someone single who hadn't had sex out of marriage ...

Speaking blatantly, I'm not a virgin, and since the first time I heard my parents' inhibitions about marrying a non-virgin, I realized I can't share it with them. I can imagine marrying someone who was raped/molested when a kid because I think we will understand each other, but I don't feel the same understanding with people who slept with each other without marriage. Somewhere in my heart, I feel like we are going to be on different pages in this matter and most people can't afford to put the effort to bring themselves and their partner on the same page. The most ironic part is that women who sense that I'm liberal in speech, so they think telling they had a boyfriend or dated someone like this or that, make me feel more comfortable or make me realize they're available –which to be honest, I think, it is good practice to let others know whether you're available or not, and for what–, while in reality their behavior is like putting a solid reason on the table why I should never even remotely be romantically interested in that individual ...

Anyways, so much on my relationship with marriage and few aspects of it, back to talking about my personal life, now, the most important matter is:

Being able to share my ambition and passions with her, the hypothetical Miss. Right. Coming from childhood I come from, I had to really learn to demand such thing in my future romantic partner, and not fearing my parents would judge me for having too high and too unrealistic expectations, but if I'm going to marry once, I rather have a wife that I can love and not someone that be just another burden to my loveless heart. Recently, I've found two real-life examples of historical individuals who claimed sentiments I would really appreciate in Miss. Right, Charlotte Bronte for her paragraphs in Jane Eyre:

Anybody may blame me who likes, when I add further, that, now and then, when I took a walk by myself in the grounds; when I went down to the gates and looked through them along the road; [...] which might reach the busy world, towns, regions full of life I had heard of but never seen — that then I desired more of practical experience than I possessed; more of intercourse with my kind, of acquaintance with variety of character, than was here within my reach. I valued what was good in Mrs. Fairfax, and what was good in Adele; but I believed in the existence of other and more vivid kinds of goodness, and what I believed in I wished to behold.

Who blames me? Many, no doubt; and I shall be called discontented. I could not help it: the restlessness was in my nature; it agitated me to pain sometimes. Then my sole relief was to walk along the corridor of the third storey, backwards and forwards, safe in the silence and solitude of the spot, and allow my mind's eye to dwell on whatever bright visions rose before it — and, certainly, they were many and glowing; [...]

It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquillity: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. Millions are condemned to a stiller doom than mine, and millions are in silent revolt against their lot. Nobody knows how many rebellions besides political rebellions ferment in the masses of life which people earth. Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts, as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex.

and Elizabeth Blackwell, for:

It is not easy to be a pioneer - but oh, it is fascinating! I would not trade one moment, even the worst moment, for all the riches in the world.

And this is really the most important criteria to me, and of course, about all other worries and concerns and wishes, I think we are capable of making amends with our hearts, especially if one's heart really want another individual to be one's companion till eternity ...

I do really appreciate the presence of friends in my life who care about my life and would care to help me, and everything, but I think I needed to set the record straight about what is it that I would want help with. Especially as the piece seemed to give others wrong ideas.

Just because I promised to be open about my private life in writings, and few times whined about being too lonely, and the attitude about marriage, shouldn't mean I'm an easy prey to be your happy-ending or that of someone you know. It is not about happy endings, cause life has happy and sad days wrapped with one another ... to be honest, I'm not that motivated by life either, certainly not a life empty of love ...

Except for few days, recent years for many reasons I regret being alive, being born, and not having end my life sooner but for the sake of ending this writing on a hopeful note: if there exists such a thing as soulmate in my life, may the Lord help us build a family together from His mercy ... no one is perfect, so I hope we can forgive and support each other in all the affairs of life ... I never imagined people can involve themselves in competitions that aren't about toys, neither rewards and I'm so clueless what to do about it, so I hope Allah protect and guide us for each other


  1. Even though the more and more I think about his conversations with me, the more I wonder whether the right term is used for the right occasion ↩︎

  2. at least, he will put the effort and walk in that direction and ... ↩︎

  3. instead of the usual boy talk which is about breast, ass and so on without much of poetry involved ... ↩︎

  4. nor should she think of herself as such, yet though rarely some women do ↩︎

  5. read more on this in Jonice Webb’s works ↩︎

  6. not the bullshit versions promoted by Western and Middle Eastern loud voices but the real Islam ↩︎

  7. just as a man isn't only a breadwinner ↩︎

  8. okay, of course, I'm exaggerating about the 24x7 closeness, so you understand what I want isn't your taste, I believe, rarely people like the idea of sharing the same partner in private and professional life, which is not an unhealthy dislike ↩︎

  9. Sure, they're public and others can read them as well, but then again, the purpose could be that so perhaps if a man and woman who love each other find those verses appropriate about one another's feelings, they can exchange it with one another, not that I wished any human being knowing how I felt about a woman other than she herself, only and only she herself. ↩︎

  10. yes, N., I’m not a homophobe you think me to be, I do believe these style of treatment eases the path for homosexuals to feel sexually attracted to one another as well ↩︎

  11. by that I mean whether a woman's breast or ass is what the society on average considers sexually attractive or not and to which degree ↩︎

  12. at least, the way they present themselves seemed to be so ... ↩︎

  13. yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Facebook is the place to share stupid memes and photos in which you look happy, and your life seems perfect while internally you may or may not really be happy, but I mean, it's for the sake of pretense anyway ↩︎

  14. a side note: if you're a man and never concerned whether your partner felt fully pleasured with the experience, you really have to, a little, shame yourself. The tongue in your mouth would certainly last longer than ... ↩︎

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  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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