To not see this reminder again
I thought about the "why" for some time; Mostly, because I believe everything in the world is to some degree, and in some sense, harmonized; that, for example, for most newborn beings there are mothers, or some other natural circumstances presence to take care of their developments. Similarly, I think romantic relationships, with all the just critiques of feminists and all the unjust critiques of fake feminists, is meant to flourish organically.
Asking "why" wasn't an inexplicit protestation to the fate of our acquaintance as in turning one's misery to the God in pride of believing one deserved more than the outcome of the events ... I rather considered it a doorway to the long-needed self-awareness ...
Perhaps most people don't ever lack this level of self-awareness in their subconscious, hence never require the amount of conscious exertion, but most people's self-sense isn't flimsy ...
Regardless of whether twenty-three is the proper age for the average man to consider marriage, I do believe at such age one is grown-up enough to be able to aim for marriage if one desires to; However, I rather been acting out like a twelve-year-old: internally fearing that if I would speak out my intention and live out the kind of life that sets an example for how I aspire to live, I would be upsetting everyone for undertaking some adult's endeavor while being a kid and instead of receiving the necessary support and education from those in my environment, I would be the object of their laughter ...
Perhaps I desperately needed the support from at least one or two individuals in my environment, but even S---- herself didn't or maybe couldn't appreciate being the kind of mentor to Husayn, first days they met each other a few years ago.
Recently, I read Goethe's words in Safranski's book, writing:
[...] Und wenn es auch nur Wahn wäre, ich möchte mir solch ein Bild nicht durch die Gemeinschaft einer flüchtigen Begierde besudlen. Und Gott bewahre uns für einem ernstlichen Band, an dem sie mir die Seele aus den Gliedern winden würde.
Perhaps, Johann and I both struggled with even the thought of being interested in marrying someone that expressions like are consciously being used and subconsciously replace aspiration, determination, and action. Expressions there are meant to cover one's most dearest wishes beneath so many layers of poetic description that the English translation of the Safranski's biography on Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, made a mistake in translating a single proposition in a way that turns the meaning of the paragraph to a totally opposite meaning of what Johann was trying to communicate to his friend in that letter.
Only the Lord knows how sincerely, deeply affectionate my heart is to this young woman; But now that everything is lost since more than two years, maybe a reflection is long overdue and publishing it would be properly timed, by the Lord's leave.
By Allah's leave, I composed an extraordinary piece, and uncommonly published it the day after without much editing, nor revisions; For a year and a half I had been exerting my brain to understand why my heart wishes me to be kind and passionate about a stranger. The stranger who seems to share the same attitudes regarding marriage before any romantic relationship, but who thought I'm not the "right guy" for her.
Especially after everything that had happened between me and A. S., I had made my mind not to have anything to do with romance for a while – perhaps a few years, so I could avoid going through the same pain as the last time. But a woman who cared about me and showed interest in me out of the blue, who seemed so keen to help me out of the mess I was stuck in back then, made me amend my promise with myself, only to discover she is in a romantic relationship with the woman who was introduced to us as her professional colleague on a one time university project. If failing to win the "yes" from a woman who had a boyfriend some six years older than me and a hell lot more success was horrible enough, and her parents' intervention turned it to worse than any nightmare beyond my imagination, being compassionate about a woman the same age as mine who was in a relationship with another slightly older woman was beyond my emotional and mental capacity to handle properly, at the time.
Both these women, A. S. and N., had been exceptionally caring and interested in me. By "exceptionally" I mean compared to how people, even H. R. and S. S. had been treating me my whole life, which in retrospect, I guess I never realized I was never loved; had I, I would have not mistaken their interest and care as a sign of sincere love. My persistence to love these individuals [back], was out of the conviction that they have been treating me that way in first place and I'll never find someone who is so kind and interested in me, ever.
At the end of the day, perhaps the way S---- treated me wasn't any different than the A. S. or N. but I didn't felt the same about her, nor my actions were out of similar convictions and motivations. I wish(ed) to be passionate about S---- because my heart constantly encourages me to, not because she had cared and showed interest in me in the "unexpected" way that those two individuals have. To even be able to act like them, we should have spent some hours together and related to one another more intimately than I usually do with almost everyone else, but we never had. From the moment I heard her voice and saw her, I had this intuition that a perfect life is being her husband. In fact, it wasn't about what is the "perfect life" for me, but because I couldn't tell to myself that I wish to us to be wife and husband and live forever loving each other, because I was extremely convinced I had to be dead in few years the latest and with the degree of destruction in my life, I can't be her best experiences of being loved if we only were married for a few years, till death will part us. It wasn't just the death and destruction in my life which I feared to make it impossible for me to make her happy in the way a relationship with no-one else would, but I was extremely suicidal as well.
It took me a while to realize how deeply her presence influences my psyche, that around her, I'm all consumed with the thoughts about how can I be the husband she loves all her life, and hence I do not need to fear my pervasive suicidal tendencies.
About more than a year later, I dared to refer to experiencing such intuition as "love in the first-sight on my side at least," instead of saying "being her husband is the perfect life." As you can see, the latter statement is drastically empty of my existence; It sounds more like a universal truth that will be true regarding who that husband is, while the intuition I was trying to describe with those words, was about us loving each other forever ...
So, that extraordinary piece, even though for several days that followed I couldn't even dare to spell the words that I had written in it as the reason behind my heart's persistence to be compassionate towards her as best as I can, was indeed a milestone of personal development, I was not aware, I could ever complete – by Allah's leave.
I still remember the day I discovered such truth about my heart, I was so foolish to assume, I will never need to remind myself of it, nor to work on integrating that insight and embracing my heart's desire with all aspects of my psyche, intellect, soul, and mind; In retrospect, I should have anticipated that such a dramatic step forward in self-awareness which is typical in age groups far younger than me, had perhaps its own justifications to be delayed for so many years. So, I have to maintain vigilance to face those causes, however, I childishly assumed, the traumas in my childhood had no ramification for that delay.
I was beyond dead wrong ...
First response: Disassociation
If we go with how most psychological phenomena explained in state of the art academia: my genetic predispositions, a few tragic events and also my childhood upbringing have branded such a degree of disassociation upon my psyche that it has become my default mode of dealing with many situations that ordinary people would rather seek advice, ask for help, yell, scream, get angry, celebrate, or pray ...
Usually, I don't notice the disassociation because what has triggered it doesn't return into my conscious awareness by external inputs, and usually, when the disassociation is not that intense and don't last more than hours, I don't really notice it while experiencing it.
The first few hours after writing and henceforth publishing that extraordinary piece, I was able to feel things, or to be more precise, I was overwhelmed by intense emotions, but I was feeling, so I wasn't disassociating;
But the morning after and the few days that followed I was living my life absolutely normal, as if the same way as before I wrote and publish extraordinary piece, even perhaps more normal than that.
Recently, I came to the conclusion that perhaps "borderline personality disorder" is a highly sensitive person with a flimsy self-sense but back then, I was still holding to the remainder of propaganda of H. R. and S. S. about their sincere wish of loving me when I'm a "normal" kid –funny, that even to this date, they see themselves as having always loved me the utmost unconditionally and it is me who had always made it hard for them to so, by not being "normal" all the times–. But "normal" is a curious notion. Other than when it is used to refer to things that fall on a bell-shaped curve, it is often a eulogy for covering up the real reason why someone is displeased with something. H. R. and S. S., perhaps themselves never having access to their own emotions, could bear the slightest expression of emotions and the unspoken exception on my side for being emotionally treated. To them "normal" means having no emotions whatsoever, no needs, to personality, no identity, more a mere slave, a mere slave with a robot's soul to fulfill their wishes.
Alas, had H. R. and S. S. watched enough science-fiction movies, probably they would have double guessed their ideals of "normal" child. There are plenty of movies out there where the emotionless robots seek brutal revenge for being treated as slaves. Taking into account that most of these movies are produced in the U.S., a country riddled with racial prejudice and systemic injustice for no justification other than the greed of a few rich members, it is hard to imagine that these movies are made by liberal-minded fellows, and even if Hollywood is falsely accused of being "liberal", certainly the audience isn't liberal. It wouldn't be a surprise to understand that these robots perhaps have nothing to do with a futuristic vision of human civilization on the Earth, but perhaps are the tales of children praised and grown up with the expectation of their parents to have no emotions and to fulfill their wishes instead of following their own passions, building their identity step by step on the way, while ultimately growing more and more clear about their individual noble cause; Feeding H. R. and S. S.'s verbally acknowledged misery, I always failed in being the "normal" child they wished me to be; But beside their disgusting web of propaganda and self-denials, the more I learn about human psychology, the more I realize, had I been the kid of their satisfaction, it was highly likely to become a killer.
But I was never a good enough child. I kept challenging their emotions. The latest example is the first time I heard H. R. telling 'I liked her," referring to S. S. They never used the term "I like you" towards each other in front us, at least not in my memory. We had a discussion in a Café in Milan, and I insisted them to tell me why they married each other. A question I first began to ask when I was about fourteen years old, but they never told the story of how they married until that discussion that Café. Saying "I love you" is a curious thing in certain sub-cultures in Iran, but saying "I like you" to your wife, husband, and other first-degree relatives is actually encouraged by some Hadiths existing in the books which are frequently cited in the very same sub-cultures. I haven't unlocked the mystery why H. R. and S. S. lost their ability to use these three words but a year or two after the events between me and A. S. and in the face of excessive suicidal tendencies, I decided to stop living like H. R. and S. S., at least regarding this one single instance and hopefully in the future even more instances. Some two years later, I finally was able to say "I like you," without even thinking about convincing myself to break free from the behavior patterns I internalized from observing H. R. and S. S. I said "I like you" to a friend while we were walking past each other in the hallway because I liked her as a human being who was my friend. But her facial expression suddenly changed so drastically and she seemed so caught off-guard that ... It was many months later that I decided maybe she thought of it as an indicator of sexual interest, and that was because in a movie I was watching the protagonists would exchange "I like you," as an expression of erotic interest in each other. I liked her so much as a friend and the other friend of mine equally as much that when I received the answer that they were seeing each other, but "casually" –a notion I didn't pay attention to at time–, I couldn't help but share with them the draft of a half rhythmic poem to celebrate/congratulate the happiness of two of my friends. I was so blind-sided by how much I liked both of them, that I never realized it is me who is idealizing the union of two invidious I like both equally much as friends, and that perhaps dating someone causally without public announcement, or even better without marriage and wedding and everything, is perhaps because those two individuals don't feel the same enthusiasm about that union as I do.
To me, "I like you" is such a good expression of friendship, that the one time me hugging someone went totally in a direction I didn't anticipate, in part as I wished to reassure her that this exchange isn't meant neither was ever planned to be an expression of any kind of romantic interest, I whispered in her ears "I like you;"
There was even once when an extremely close friends of mine held me in her arms and repeated "I love you" three times, until I finally returned it with an "I love you, too" and while we greeted each other every time we met or parted, maybe a couple of times a day with hugs and kisses, we never even had a first kiss as boyfriend-girlfriend.
Whether you think the appropriate description is "robot" or "animal" when it comes to having erotic interactions while never having exchanged not even a mere "I like you," not to mention saying "I love you;" About my person, and my use of English language – or German language, for that matter – anything less than a sincere publicly stated commitment at a wedding to loving each other [hopefully for the rest of our lives, by the Lord's leave] is really short-selling my body.
I'm not trying to judge anyone by saying this; but you have to understand: I have lost the authority over the integrity of my body and my right to have a say over who can touch me or not by this or that individual who molested or raped me when I was a kid; So, there is nothing left there to even more devalue my erotic interactions than it has already been in my childhood. But aside my personal reasons, I think there are plenty of moral, religious and socio-psychological reasons as to why having sexual exchanges first after marriage is meaningful and worth the [possible] costs and risks .
In H. R. and S. S.'s definition, I was the most "normal" I have ever been those days; and I wasn't aware of it until I was surprised about by how people were treating me. It had happened once before, when I published a post on my Facebook referring to acts of making love to a woman as "eating chocolate" while at the time of writing I didn't spot the inevitable cunnilingus equation, but this time around it was the struggle of women, whom I passed by, with eating their giggles that irritated me; What irritated me was my lack of emotional sensitivity to others' extremely bold non-verbal communication cues directed at me.
– Why I'm not feeling anything?
– I'm not feeling anything ...
– Wow, I haven't been feeling anything at all for ... I can't even remember how many days it's since the last time I felt something ... WOW!
For plenty of reasons I keep many notes, and while I never personally thought of it so, others have commented that my writings are highly emotionally intense, and so I started going back through my notes and the writings I have drafted or published in the past days, until I read the piece "Helplessness & knowing oneself" that I saw, while a short text compared to other articles, it is an emotionally intense one;
– There it is: ... that's the last time I had feelings.
And right then and there the battle started. Moments after finishing writing that piece, I was drowned in emotions which even to date I don't have the right terms to describe them and so it wasn't surprising that I have been disassociating after becoming consciously aware that the reason my heart unstoppably wishes me to be passionate about S---- is the desire to build our family together;
While our emotional memory can temporarily forget things that are too overwhelming to deal with, our consciousness can undo having realized some conclusion after it has and when that logical conclusion evokes overwhelming emotional states inside oneself, disassociation becomes pervasive and inevitable.
The first week was brutal, and I was mildly disassociating most of the time. This text is in part my personal journey of sitting with emotionally overwhelming thoughts and past memories and events that that self-awareness invokes in me. At first, I thought not to mention it with them for a while. The first draft of this text dates back to April 26, 2018. Whether to an observer my motivations are seen rooted in love or self-interest, the only other long-time battle with events and awarenesses that would constantly put me in disassociation has been healing from erotic trauma; The only other complex and challenging battle that would force me to reconsider my relationship with H. R. and S. S. and how they treated me, each other and all other people in their lives have been the process I would refer to as "reviving self-sense" as temporary label till I have a complete outline as to how to heal from "flimsy self-sense," if Allah will.
Even though the idea of starting a family of your own may come naturally to others, perhaps even at much younger ages, I just could never relate to such a future about myself and I knew right when I was writing those sentences on my laptop even before intending to publish them that my life can't be the same afterward, but there comes the harsh truth: there is not intensive mode for overcoming the neglected psychological and/or spiritual personal development stages.
If events in one's life has blocked one's natural development path, then being able to touch the symptom and causing immense psychological responses in oneself is not the same as taking up the long-abandoned path, and transforming into a wiser, more mature, and more advanced human being by the end of one's journey. This article is not the right place to go into more details regarding personal development, but a brief remark on an aspect of it is due, however in the appendix.
Disassociation – with all its scary-sounding description to those who have never experienced it – can actually be a blessing. It can be a blessing in the sense that it enables you to continue living instead of your inability to deal with your emotions becoming so pervasive to halt all other activities of your daily life. Just as a comical example: disassociation would enable you, for example, to live a perfectly normal looking life after the loss of a beloved one while you didn't know how to grieve over that loss and had no connection to a community to help you with the recovery of your loss, but without disassociation, you would be stuck in bed, not showing up to work, getting drunk in the bar, not taking a shower, not cleaning your home and so and so forth, so much so that your life quality deteriorate to such a degree that you won't be able to continue being alive. Of course, most individuals never need disassociation as their primary response to the loss of a loved one, they grieve, but when your psyche – for whatever reason – is not capable of grieving in a manner that is meaningful to it, it will prevent you from functioning at all, unless some degree of disassociation comes in action.
The next chapter tells the story of the first of many such internal battles between avoiding to even look in the direction of my emotions and being self-conscious that this newly won piece of self-awareness about what is important to me in life, is something I'm desperate and earnest to live my life by, to implement in my life as wholesomely as possible, to change the direction of my life towards such "happy-ending" with as much determination and enthusiasm as possible ...
Avoidance vs facing the roots of unvoiced fears & worries
It's April 24, 2018. It's been few days that I'm going to bed two or three hours later than I set myself up for. Actually I'm not going in bed, I lay in the bed and can't fall sleep until my body is too tired, and one or two hours later no amount of ringtones and alarms on my mobiles can wake me up. Worst of all, even though I've given it so much thought how to organize my tasks and seemingly endless to-do lists, to focus on less tasks per day, and to maintain a certain priority, when I sit down to work, after a quarter or half an hour, I find myself squandering my time.
The days at the beginning of the week, it was watching clips of "Friends" on Youtube. In the past I doubted my own judgment of TV-series, but since hearing young Johnny Depp (1989) reiterating a perspective similar to mine about the United State's mass-consumed TV-series, I don't anymore. Yet, I find myself making excuses for watching "Friends".
"I'm so similar to Ross and women I fall in love with so similar to Rachel, or at least our similarities is in the same style" or the other excuse "that's how normal people's dating relationship looks like, maybe I discover something I'm not seeing ..."
Even though, I'm well aware, I suck at all things human interaction-related, for many reasons, and even though the many years ago, when I watched "Friends", it was to improve my English listening skills, and so I didn't really understood most of sentences, and even though, at that time, at least on paper, I was since a few years an adult. I was totally clueless about almost all romance and dating related themes featured in the show. But I know too well, re-watching a series like "Friends" is a dead-end path. Because if I trying to spend my time learning stuff I never experienced, neither thought about at the age, I should better look elsewhere.
Watching these clips are perhaps my version of cigars. I'm inhaling garbage level art-works that corrupts one's subconscious understanding of romance, only because it helps to avoid the question "how am I feeling at this moment;" I can't really resonate with how I'm feeling, nor even make sense of what triggered this unnamable state of psyche ...
This time around I force myself that this is the last clip I'm going to watch and then I'll move on with doing the next task from my to-do app ...
Ever since I've watched four clips. Thanks the God, finally there is one where Phoebe talks about awaiting her own death:
And finally I'm reminded "I'm running out of time to live and accomplish the things I wish," and begin to wonder what are the things I wish. In the past I used to be endlessly upset and mad with myself for forgetting what are my noble causes, or better said, to not have them at my consciousness's disposal.
Thanks the God, since Snow White suggesting it, I have one or two items on my to-do list as a practice of self-love; Unlike all the times before reacting to my inability to recall such a list from memory, patiently I'm trying to remember what are the things that means the most to me in life ...
Thanks the God, that very moment upon the eureka of discovering that fundamental existential wish, I had my laptop and some free-time on my hand, so I wrote the piece "Helplessness & knowing oneself," otherwise, I'm not sure, if I ever would have dared to proclaim the result of the interplay of heart and mind. "Interplay of heart and mind" is an understatement, a better description perhaps would be: the vision that all the shattered part of my identity, existence, and self agree on.
Leaving my laptop to take a shower, hoping to find the right mood to continue my works, and recalling the ultimate resolution at the bottom of that piece into my consciousness, inevitably my brain starts bombarding me with disparagement:
– this is surely a wrong wish, I am not even capable of managing my own single life, imagine if we lived together, just living together, no emotion and nothing involved, just look at the past few days, the degree of lack of self-management would damage her life, and if I be like this in all other aspect of life and relationships, how can't I not see, I'll be ruining kiddo's life
The upmost value-proposition of the disparaging opinionator inside me is that the most existential wish of mine is merely a terrible vision.
I try to encourage all other opinionators inside me to help me unpack the message of the disparaging opinionator and make sense of why I have such views in my brain, hoping to ultimately find a way out:
– Even if assuming the most hopeful prospects for my life, there is, of course, no possible future in sight in which S----- would wish to build her family with me, why the bully picks it up as if I'm going to be ruining her life from tomorrow!
– When something is never going to happen?
– Even back then when I wrote that piece, it wasn't about what is possible or not possible, the discovery was about my self and not taking into account any externality ...
Thanks the God, the day before Anna ran into me on the street. I am generally not conversational, that very moment I really didn't want to be conversational at all, but Anna and her boyfriend are among the individuals I really do wish to personally display affection about, so when she didn't end the conversation with just saying hi, I tried to maintain be as conversational as I could:
She was asking ordinary small talk questions. The kind of "ordinary" that is ordinary for others but not me. I was trying to be like most human beings and avoid to come off as mysterious and secretive; As for example, when my response is that "I don't miss my family, I never really did;" But she said something that touched my existence to its core. Without the context of how I was feeling those days, her words perhaps would seem like a typical nice response from a caring friend; She said something along the lines that I should be so troubled that I have no family which I can miss, because one can make his or her own family.
That expression while perhaps to her didn't meant a big deal, to me felt like a validation I have always missed in my life about every thing I aspired to have, felt passionate about, was enthusiastic to try or else ...
If you haven't grown up in an environment of excessive "emotional neglect", it is hard to describe how being validated by someone whom you feel affectionate about –even if just a friend– is fundamental.
That validation to me is almost as life-changing as Elizabeth's friends suggestion in "Pride and Prejudice" (Jane Austen), who encouraged her to stop and visit Darcy's castle, even though she was hesitant with the idea:
With the Gardiners, they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them.
So, if one day I do have a family of my own with someone we love each other, perhaps we do owe Anna and her boyfriend the same style of appreciation and intimacy of friendship ...
Thanks the God for the hole Anna carved into the dam that was blocking my hopes, wishes and needs; Anna's simple remark was the missing external intervention, so it will one day, in time, break altogether.
In typical boy-meets-girl tales that ends happily, usually it's the girl who provides that anchor of emotional stability to the boy of the story with a troubled psyche, not a random friend in an accidental exchange, but as mentioned before there is no happiness in how things between S---- and I are. Perhaps for our enemies, but not for individuals who truly love us. Sure, individuals who wished to be in our pants instead of us, should be gravely satisfied but in my views "being in someone's pants" is not even remotely relevant to loving someone, unless in the context of having that emotional and intellectual bond and commitment to each other and with the proper background.
As I remembered the exchange between Anna and I, the conversation in the shower with myself continued like this:
– You have written a whole piece on wishing to building your own family, and you don't even dare to say a word about it to your own self ... remember how calm Anna was giving such suggestion ... why can't I even dare to think about it?
That was the first moment when I just comprehend that the discovery that the reason my heart's wishes to be passionate about S---- is in the hope of us building our family together, is daunting; So terribly daunting; So terribly endlessly daunting.
That moment in the shower I wasn't aware that for me with little or no self-efficacy and a chronicle of continuous failures without any real success in the past eight years or so, when those around me do not wish to support my ambition, instead even throw stones on my way, or worse build walls, I will possibly only be debilitated even just thinking that I want such destiny, not only for myself, but to have someone else sharing it with me and possibly one or more future humans beings sharing parts of it with us, if Allah will.
A rational judgement on the basis of my self-efficacy, not taking into account all other barriers, definitively results in the conclusion that I will never ever be capable of putting any step, even one single step in the direction. And of course, if there is something that you want and you are convinced that you can't have, the first solution is to not think about, to block out everything related to that wish; But everything related to having a family is actually what it means to be an adult. All the differences between childhood and adulthood are there to make pro-actively co-founding and sustaining a family feasible. Wiping out everything related to having a family of one's own, is actually regressing regarding personal development.
Like many other times in recent years, I broke in tears right that moment in the shower.
What an irony that I decided to take a shower in first place to soothe my psyche, instead I had just opened the door that disassociation wished to keep me away from.
The disparaging opinionator spotting how much I wished to calm my own self, trying to fake itself as a supportive comrade in order to win my acceptance for it's suggestion, continued like this:
– You should give up the idea of S---- ... or anyone in any way similar to her, for that matter ... If having family is really your wish, then let's be practical: of course, You have no self-management skill, so, you should be with a woman who can manages your life ... And look, being practical and honest, such a woman, of course, expects financial stability, so you should have long listened to your parent's advice and went for settling for a typical employment position in a multi-national organization! And you have fucked up your life to a level that you won't even get a position there, like you would have had, had you not discontinued the TU-Berlin. ... So, save your ass, before it gets too let: so find some local firm that hires you or so ...
Now, rewriting the conversation I had with myself back then, the distance allows me to see through it:
This "disparaging opinionator" behavior and assertions are actually quite familiar to me: not from myself, but from an external source with whom unfortunately I had spent too much time than what she deserved: S. S. The woman who never accepts she has been wrong, unless she perceives it beneficial for her desire(s). The woman whose behavior and arguments are totally dependent on what her audience is aimed for and its value-system. While it is important to adjust one's actions to one's audience, for example you don't use the same vocabulary with a child that you do with an adult, when the belief system that is presupposed to support the argument you're making changes from circumstance to circumstance based on your audience, you aren't really adjust your actions to your audience, you're manipulating your audience. The only other category of individuals who do so and don't manipulate their audience, are those with rare psychological illnesses, which actually makes their lives unlivable, instead of making them successful in spite of not putting the right efforts, neither having the right motives.
S. S.'s disparaging opinions are often marketed as "because I'm concerned about you, you're my son and I have your best interest ..." While expressing one's sincere care and affection by providing each other constructive criticism is a hallmark of real friendship, there is a clear difference between disparaging opinions and constructive criticism. Long-term exposure to disparaging opinions results in regression in one's identity, and probably never developing one if happening since early childhood. Constructive criticism is what brings individuals to cross their own best expectations of them-selves.
A well-meaning critic would voice his or her opinion when you are the strongest, when you are at the beginning of something, when you have all the doors and possibilities open, or perceive them open to yourself, because that's when you need the critique to avoid costly mistakes, however, a true manipulator expresses his or her disparaging opinions only when you are at your lowest point, when you feel hopeless and need recovery and comfort; and even at those very moments he or she isn't there to help you improve yourself, rather the way he or she shares his or her advice is quite premeditated: he or she says only in so far as to make you submit to his or her will.
A true manipulator whom you have mistaken for a friend awaits to discover your weakness and uses it as mean to attack the very dignity of his or her prey's existence, instead raising one's consciousness about that weakness as a possible threat that needs to be cared for, or otherwise as an opportunity for self-development in that area;
The worst kinds of manipulators use those moments of weakness and their knowledge about one's weakness as a pathway to deconstruct one's self-sense.
In my case, I don't need to have interactions with S. S. to be subject myself to her abuse; Growing up in that environment had bestowed me with a shadow of her reiterated in how I treat myself by default.
Instead of any possible constructive criticism, that for example, "my parents failed me to allow me to develop self management skills and if I wish to love and be loved by S-----, I need to first get that right and also get my financial independence in some more prosperous prospects;" No, instead, I'm being attacked about what I want. That's so typical S. S.
As with any excessive manipulator, she feels miserable if she is not in-charge, or at least, perceives her commands to be followed by those she sub-consciously presumes to be her minions.
S. S. is a woman of no particular talent, no distinct achievement in areas in the professional world I'm interested in and as a human being, most our interactions in early childhood contains her betraying my trust in her as a S. S. by treating me like a minions, which all in all has resulted in me having absolutely no admiration and respect for her as a family member. So, as you can imagine, once there is no ground for your superiority in the other person's regards for you, the second strategy to force the identity of minionhood upon that individual is to devalue everything valuable and important to him or her and undermine and prevent ever achievement that is important to him or her. So, since I was ten or twelve, my mother has increasingly changed her role in my life from a fake supporter encouraging her visions into my agenda, with destroying every possible instance of achieving any goal I set up for myself; So, for example, there was never a single instance of celebrating my "coming of age" in any aspect, other the one time I wore a suit in front of her and H. R., which perhaps was more motivated by how me in suit would present them as parents in the eyes of others that what I usually wear, which are conscious choices to avoid being associated with any group; as with Lisbeth in David Fincher's adaptation of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo";
"If there is a part of my life S. S. has no command over, it is certainly a nasty and disgusting part," so goes the logic behind what her behaviors communicating to one, or if she has no understanding or find no path for her to upset me with her remarks: it doesn't exist. When I was a kid I remember S. S. being part of rumors about how awful it is that a younger sibling is married prior to an older one, however my sister married and not a single time she even recalled how terrible she thought of families who have such situations in their families just a few years ago. She wasn't a teen back then to change her opinion every few years.
May the Lord protect S---- and I and everyone else among our friends and acquaintances with good hearts, from these manipulators ...
The lost key to the never opened door in psyche
Depending on how old a mature woman is, the typical suspects for why an adult man without any severe intellectual disability was never even possibly a romantic partner for a woman, even if only for a night, are "repression," as a result of Freudian bullshits, or "patriarchy" as a result of fake feminists' bullshits, and for the generation in-between, of course, "parents."
But wasn't I born in a culture of repression? Iran, the Middle East, Islam?
Firstly, not every family in Iran is living within the same culture, while both the post-revolution governments and the prior monarchies have brutally and forcefully tried to crush the cultural diversity in Iran, there are still plenty of sub-cultures popular in the mainstream. While H. R. and S. S. do belong to the nominally "Islamic" sub-cultures – even though whether they really have anything to do with the meaning of the book, or they are taking the Quran's verses out of context – still not everything in the Quran is possible to be taken out of context as easily as every other verse. Sexual repression is really a tough business in a sub-culture that pretends to be following the Quran most of the time:
And marry such of you as are solitary and the pious of your slaves and maid-servants. If they be poor, Allah will enrich them of His bounty. Allah is of ample means, Aware. [24:32]
What about the "patriarchy" element? "Patriarchy" is presumed to produce men who abuse women, not men who behave as if he is a two-year-old some years into adulthood. "Patriarchy" is supposed to produce men who objectify women as a mean of repression, and it has this underlying presupposition that men are superior to women and perfectly functional regardless of their emotional attachment to a woman in their lives, not an individual who sincerely believes (Tesla, 1924):
Practically all the great achievements of man until now have been inspired by his love and devotion to woman. Man has aspired to great things because some woman believed in him, because he wished to command her admiration and respect. For these reasons he has fought for her and risked his life and his all for her time and time again.
"Parents" are not a bad suspect, but then again, not the ultimate suspect. But before going into that, a minor detail here worth to be mentioned;
I think every emotionally healthy parents would be proud if their children marry well, and hence, I believe, there is an organic motivation to support one's children to actually succeed in that aspect of their lives, but that was never the case in our family. Being interested in the opposite sex wasn't considered a sign of growing up and a cause of celebration, rather it was treated so as if one has entered a forbidden territory and all the communication about such subjects matter should not exist. Unless like other times it was remarks of other people that made H. R. and S. S. realize that others are seeing them as failed parents and hence they tried to do their best to get the perception they wished for themselves in the eyes of others.
To H. R. any of his children having more happiness in his life than himself seemed like a threat to his worldview, though he is so blind to anything attachment related. In S. S.'s worldview, every woman is either using her romantic partner as her most devoted minion or otherwise that woman and her romantic life do not exist in her reality. So, her son should never marry a woman unless that woman is her minion in the first place.
H. R. and S. S. aren't that disinterested in using a fictional interpretation of self-reliance whenever it is to their advantage, especially as the modern day cultures across the world promote a fictional version of self-reliance that often leads to a life empty of meaningful attachments, but perhaps H. R. and S. S. couldn't be more in peace with themselves in such ideal.
Read the verse of the Quran once again. It says: "marry such of you as are solitary;" it doesn't say lonely people should go more on dating, reading books written by pick-up artists and flirting heroins, or to get rich and famous so they can be more visible on the dating market, instead it suggests to others to marry those who are alone and do so in spite of their financial circumstances.
One of the latest remarks from H. R. and S. S. when I was asking about why they never gave me any advice about dating, women, marriage, romantic life and everything related, as by this age, I realized most parents do regarding their children, their response was a brutal version of their fictional self-reliance schemes: H. R. believed that back at his time books that are nowadays published didn't exist and parents didn't give much advice to their children other than telling them to marry this distant relative's daughter or that one's son or etc. and have he had the resources available to me today, he would have made much different and better decisions. There are plenty of lies in his assertions, the most notable one is the fact that he married S. S. in spite of her father's objection to it. He complains that the parents didn't give him advises on acting differently – I don't know, what advice had he expected more serious than a direct objection to his proposal from the father of the bride! S. S.'s most effortful shot at providing me some advice was even more unbelievable as her only suggestion was that "How could I even think about marriage, because when I have no job whatsoever to being with, who's going to give me her daughter?" The fact that poor and orphan children do marry too and it is not always money, or the job title that has the ultimate say in the choice of romantic partner for every and all women who aren't in a relationship, didn't even matter to her. The story that her sister had also suggested to her that I could propose to her youngest daughter also didn't bother the flaw in her biggest advice to me about dating. S. S. knows how much I'm troubling with initiating a career that I can feel satisfaction and fulfillment by it, so that's where she can cause the most emotional damage. If one has a sense of dark humor, one may as well laugh out hard that an intellectually healthy woman confuses "advice" with "disparaging opinions;" Strangers on the streets are more careful to not break a young man's pride.
Around five years ago, I was sitting in a McDonald in Zurich where a guy with his family came and sat on the bigger table in front of mine. I don't exactly remember his words, but as my eyes began to seem misty, he said a word or two, to encourage me not being that unhappy. S. S. considers herself an emotionally intelligent woman, however, she can't consider herself a mother, unless her child is her minion, regardless of how old he is. I have lost the count of the number of times she has expressed her threats that if I do this or that I will not be her son anymore. When I was younger and easier to be fooled by her, her assertions contained threats, her most sever was burning herself alive, or disowning me as her son for the rest of my life, and as a result the God will condemn me to the hell, but since I have grown up and I have stories of parents who supported their children while their children were doing the exact same thing I was aiming for, the parents who are S. S.'s friends and she uses the example of their children as what a good child looks like in front of us, she has stopped with using violence in her assertions and nowadays her assertions have a forecast-style tone. But her purpose is the same.
My relationship with H. R. and S. S. are the same as they have been all my life, only that how much my heart insisted on being passionate regarding S----, I end up becoming more and more disillusioned about how they saw me, or better said, how they didn't saw me, unless I fulfilled their desires.
Perhaps me allowing and trusting H. R. and S. S. to play the role of parents in my life in spite of the deep hatred I have feeling respecting them growing more and more with every year, I don't believe the inability to even think about building a family with a woman I love and hoped she might love me one day too, is entirely a side-effect of growing up in such household and its toxic influence on all aspects of my life.
Anna's suggestion – though a life-changing interaction for me – isn't a mysterious secret hidden of most man-kind. It is impossible to find children who dislike their parents and their childhood and the environment in which they grew up, yet, they don't put even a single step towards freedom. The freedoms granted to every member of society, in most present-day societies upon their eighteenth birthday.
I guess, till I was ten-year-old I did aspire to live away from my parents, but after those years, I stopped looking forward to a different future. I stopped looking forward to any future at all.
About children who get raped there is this notion of "growing up way too young," but I don't believe that's a good description. Some of the side-effects of being raped in childhood are similar to putting a meal into a hot oven, an extremely hot oven, so that the surface of the meal burns while the inside isn't even remotely cooked. Children who are raped seem extremely mature, especially erotically mature from outside. The can seem even more erotically mature than their parents. While most people's erotic maturity is correlated to their ability to romantically connect with another adult, or at least faking that connection with the influence of alcohol and lies, children who get raped never develop those abilities and make those experiences at those ages.
Now, after about four years of working hard, extremely extremely hard on healing from sexual trauma, I can understand my male friends who feel erotically attracted to a woman just because of her body, but not long a while ago, I was walking down the street with a close friends and opening up to him my personal ideals of following one's noble cause and the role of intuition when he opened up himself to me that he totally doesn't understand how what I'm saying is going to work in reality. I asked him why he thinks so, his response was: look, if I were to listen to my internal voice, you see that women walking in front of us, I want to follow her and do her. He meant it sincerely, while at the same time, both of us knew the woman was too old to be considered a possible romantic partner for him, and he isn't really even average erotically active friend.
Back then I was just speechless. I couldn't understand how could his inside voice constantly suggest him to have sex with women, now I believe, that is actually a good suggestion to be made to a single man.
The reason I was speechless wasn't that I had never heard the aspiration or seen couples with significant age differences, but because I rarely ever desired a female body on instance, especially without erotic trauma-related feelings blocking any possibility of associating a desire with pleasure or any other positive feeling.
In place of my friend's constant desire for erotic, what my internal desire would constantly suggest is and slightly unusual one for most people; for example a truck with a fair speed walking pass by me, or when I'm crossing a bridge, or the knife that can easily cut through flesh, these things are so encouraging for suicide. The same way that Joey inevitably call's an attractive woman "hot," without any thought or premeditation, there have been times when I would catch myself telling "We could have been smashed on the street beneath that car, opportunity passed!"
Suicide isn't the most obvious symptom; Especially because suicide is only a symptom after one has died not prior to it, unless, a good friend whom you trust each other and you open up yourself to him or her about it.
But the visible signs are all over the place in my life. For example, one of the very first changes of behavior I requested from S---- was not to wear high heels but running shoes. That's an odd suggestion coming from a man who never goes to the gym and wasn't practicing any form of sport routinely at the time. But you can find similar symptoms in other individuals who have experienced a traumatic event. One of the most iconic depictions of this phenomenon on the screen is in Wes Anderson's "The Royal Tenenbaums": Chas Tenenbaum having lost his wife and the mother of his two sons in a fire the previous summer, have developed a fire escape routine that he practices every night with his children; Waking them up in the middle of the night and forcing them on the street and measuring how long it took them to be out of the house.
I learned about trauma and its impacts gradually, so I wasn't aware that I'm asking S---- to wear running shoes because I was the kid who didn't run away when was raped, while he should have. While I have been an open speaker about being raped for about a year and some months before meeting S----, in fact, it wasn't that public, it was rather a twisted revelation in a rather lengthy video posted on Facebook and visible only to accounts whom we have a friendship link, but it was and has always been an attempt of raising awareness, of cultural activism, not personal. In fact, traumatic events and their side-effects become the most highly guarded secrets in an individual's life. For example, Chas Tenenbaum doesn't become a firefighter after that incident, or starts a fire-escape training for school children and their mothers, by contrast, it is only he and his two children who take part in those training secessions. That has a reason. Behaviors which are direct responses to the trauma-inducing event, yet are being acted out in a totally different environment, time, location, and condition only gets shared with those who were part of that trauma-inducing events and individuals who are extremely related to the victim. The fact that S---- and I have no connection to each other, and yet, I just ask her that request without even thinking about what I'm actually doing, is a sign of extreme extreme extreme affection.
But those signs are plenty. I don't wish to provide a list here, the God knows and may S---- one day understands how I love(d) her, even if the hope of ever loving each other seems long lost. I always regarded love as a miraculous thing, or as having the possibility of causing a miracle, but I could have not imagined it is possible to love a human being the way I love her, and if I were to ask something from her, it is that she loves me the same, forever, by the Lord's leave.
While the first time I watched "V for Vendetta" I couldn't understand how could anyone relate to the romantic relationship between the male and female protagonist, why does he exposes her to a milder yet similar form of abuse he has suffered, so that she comprehends him, his motives and his righteousness. Now with the understanding I have about side-effects of trauma, I can't help but recognize the similarity between how V created the illusion of suffering for Evey, and how an exchange between S---- and I created the illusion for her that I'm aimed at raping her.
I had no intention of teaching her what it means to be raped, quite the contrary, the day I realized how me asking her to wear different kinds of shoes is related to my erotic trauma, I just felt so exposed, so psychologically naked in front of her. Just as to a woman displaying herself naked to a man who isn't her husband would make her feel extremely extremely vulnerable, which the resulting cognitive dissonance in part perfectly explains why women who are fooled into sex stay unimaginably committed to the very man who has actually deceived them in the most emotionally and romantically abuse manners possible, I realized I have made myself endlessly vulnerable to her.
I believe women who stay committed in such relationships, because that relationship is built upon morally reprehensible foundations, are having a disgusting relationship, regardless of how happy or sad they feel about themselves and their romantic lives.
At the time, I just knew some outline about a thing that I referred to as "erotic trauma," I really didn't know plenty of the things I know today, and so, maybe I would have been more careful, more reserved, more eager to distance S---- from being part of my behavior patterns which are in part rooted in side-effects of erotic trauma, but now, I can just hope, S---- isn't like those charming men, looking perfect from outside, and deeply morally corrupt from inside.
May the Lord clean our hearts, souls, and minds from any kinds of corruption and evil ...
But unlike "V for Vendetta", S----'s kiss(es) belonged to someone else.
Even if we momentarily forget the suggestion from the Quran regarding marrying the singles; I can't imagine H. R. and S. S. did never know how a teenage life supposed to look like;
Sure, Katy Perry exaggerates a lot and just as to a child a stick can be imagined to be a horse, to a teenager a fleeting kiss on a back seat of sticking old car can be imagined as the most passionate expression of affection under the water ... Even if H. R. and S. S. both didn't speak a word in English, Katy Perry's music video is a global best-seller:
But Katy Perry and I are unique individuals in our own right, regardless of how similar or different we might appear to an observer, one thing certainly is true: certain behaviors belong to certain age-groups, and individuals who don't demonstrate those range of behavior, individuals who deviate from spectrum between the most exaggerated and the most collapsed style of behavior patterns of that age group, then probably there will be bits and pieces of personal development missing in their lives later on. Regardless if one understands the root causes such deviation or not, one can't just pretend the milestones of personal-development which an individual hasn't completed can be just skipped because he or she is past that age group, because you can only continue things from where you left them last time ...
As uncomfortable and not nice it is to find myself in-between of feeling romantically interested in someone, and my subconscious only being able to expect us being each other's "teenage dreams", instead of my subconscious being able to navigate initiating a serious relationship as adults my age would do; I can't label that style of behavior and beliefs as morally "wrong", only on the basis that doesn't belong to typical behaviors of individuals my age. While age is merely an estimation guide about what personal growth milestone an individual is likely to have completed, it is not a certificate.
As much as I hate being a misfit among the people in my age group, but there are lots of things that really never existed in my life, and had always been subtly condemned by H. R. and S. S. because they seemed challenging to their false world-views and desires.
Sometimes even extremely basic things, like talking to a girl with a background of romantic interested in the back of my mind, didn't exist in my life.
Thanks to the God for stumbling upon Beatrice Martin's wedding photos, otherwise, I didn't know that is possible for me, to ever be able to resonate with the idea of partaking in my own wedding ceremony. I had thought about marrying someone in the past, for different reasons but I could never picture at wedding marrying any of those individuals, because any wedding ceremony I knew of, seemed impossible to be mine.
So, even if there would be no heavenly-destined bond of passion and affection between S---- and I and my heart's insistence being only rooted in how endlessly pretty she appears to my heart's eyes, even then, I believe, there are lots of things special about her.
It is not that my life there haven't been enough pretty or intellectually interested girls and women in my environment, but S---- is the only woman, that the feelings her presence can evoke in me run so deep; For example, the only times in my life I actually wished I could be a man, that actually looked forward into growing into a man, was related to seeing S---- and the desire in my heart to do this or that thing which aren't the things that a child would do but what a husband would.
Similarly, about superficial matters, like the example mentioned before, talking with a girl with the background of romantic interest, S---- is the first woman I did so; not because I never spoke with girls or women but being raped leaves its marks and either there wasn't the same heavenly-destined bond of passion and affection between us, or I haven't healed enough from erotic trauma as I was doing when I first met S----, either way, I didn't even have thought of romantic interest, with the two exceptions of A. S. and N. and those thoughts were first after those individuals moved away to a different country.
May the Lord help me find my way out of this psychological prison(s) inherited from my childhood which prohibited the natural development of my identity, self-sense and all other important aspects of one's existence.
While more than two years ago, S---- seemed to be more or less as inexperience as I'm, I believe ever since she has been maturing at an exponentially faster speed than I, so, if ever there should be a happy ending in my life, perhaps I should pray that my the Lord help me and someone we love each other, to find meet each other intellectually, emotionally, romantically and erotically on – more or less – eye levels.
Co-funding ventures vs a family
If it weren't the desperation and hopelessness after being rejected in every attempt of trying to bring my ideas into realization by introducing them to a big corporation, I would have never even imagined starting a company; Even then I had endless doubts about ever being deserve-worthy of such role.
In retrospect, the notion "deserve-worthy" isn't really what should come before "co-founding a venture", the more proper term is "success". But having grown up in the household of H. R. and S. S. instead of thinking about the likelihood of success and risk management, the first thing I have to worry about is whether I'm "deserve-worthy" of my own ambitions.
Desperation did its bit on overcoming the question of "deserve-worthiness" without ever realizing the role of H. R. and S. S. behind having internalized such bullshits, only because it fits in preventing me from achieving things that would shake their false fictive world-view.
But desperation wasn't enough. For example, I was totally dismissing about the value of the leader in founding a venture. It cost the painful experience of the failure of my first ever attempted start-up team composed of two good friends, until I finally accepted without a leader every team will, eventually, fall apart.
While the above description isn't dishonest, it can be read misleadingly, especially notions like "imagined" sounds as if being an entrepreneur wasn't an aspect of my identity since early childhood; But as mentioned in the previous chapter: "I would have never even imagined" because, after some traumatic events after a certain age, I lost my ability to look forward regarding my future.
But being the co-founder of your own family requires deeper levels of human interaction and emotional involvement than co-founding a start-up would.
Before meeting S----, I did never felt an urge for such ambition in life on my own initiative. Rather it was my conviction about Islam, the pressure from the environment about how awful it is that I have no romantic relationship, and the one or two individuals whom for one or the other reason I felt it might be beneficial to both of us to try to love each other, that made me think about marriage. Not marriage as a concept, rather how feasible it was with that particular individual in that particular moment in our lives. Because one of the widely accepted no-goes in Islam is the prohibition of extramarital erotic interactions.
As said, living with the deep-seated hatred for H. R. and S. S. was unbearable after so many years and hence I was beyond desperate to have a source of emotional validation, and support, a home to recover from emotional ups and downs in an attachment with another human being; While I didn't have erotic motives, I was well-aware it isn't possible to want a want to emotionally support you as if you were her husband, but never erotically please her because I was raped and don't wish to have any erotic interaction with anyone at all. So, the paying the due in return for what I needed in that attachment was what motivated me to think about marriage, because I couldn't have sex with someone without sex. Not that I couldn't, as if my parents wouldn't allow me or whatever, in fact, they wouldn't care less as long as it didn't challenge their fictive realities, but I couldn't because I wished to comply to Islamic suggestions, by the Lord's leave.
I would think about marriage, not because I imagined that "this woman and I should go about our lives as a team" rather something like "this woman and I would seem to drive more benefit if we were to display some romantic interest in each other." These are really two different kinds of reacting to one's circumstances. For example, the first mindset requires that you be aware of your limitations as a single adult in comparison to being a family with someone you love, but such fundamental milestone's in one's personal development hadn't really happened in me, by contrast, what had pushed me towards adopting the latter mindset, was the fact that it was consistent with the condemning and dishonoring remarks I was receiving on all sides about being an adult and not being interested in romantic relationships, and also it provided some sense of consistency about why I felt internally stuck and how to get out of it. By that I'm referring to the common-sense wisdom that goes like: "a boy only then gets its shits together [read it becomes a man] when in a romantic relationship;"
In retrospect, I think that common-sense wisdom is not exactly wrong, but there is an essential adjustment necessary to make it close to reality: it is not being in a romantic relationship that changes a boy rather the prospect of a romantically satisfying relationship;
A woman in her right mind wouldn't want to engage in a romantic relationship with a man who acts like a boy and lives a boy's life with no indicator of a near-future change in his habits.
This theme is even super common in arts, for example, there are plenty of movies that feature this theme, even sometimes in highly exaggerated style;
For example, the animation "Despicable Me," is the journey of an adult who lives the life as if he were a boy and how he transforms into a man while the deadline for that natural transformation to take place is long passed. The first part of the trilogy depicts having children causing a shift in him, the second part it's a female lover changing him, the third is about revisiting his blood-related family members and coming in terms with his childhood that causes changes in him.
While men like Gru do exist in real life, the solutions as they are presented in this animation don't really work out in real life like that.
The reason is fairly straightforward: no man who is living a boy's life is going to be trusted the custody of children in our times and area, no emotionally healthy and attractive woman would pursue a romantic relationship with a boy, and no revisiting of the parents you have long reduced your contact with is going to help you suddenly overcome all the effects of childhood emotional neglect.
The fact that the popular art in our times is filled with wrong lessons about this particular kind of men doesn't mean that there have never been artworks created that depicted more realistic solutions. For example, the fact that a woman would not be sincerely romantically interested in a boy doesn't mean there can never be any romance in the life of such an individual.
Perhaps giving it just a tiny bit of thought the answer will just illuminate itself as quite understandable, even though against today's cultural norm.
Think about it: " woman wouldn't fall in love with a boy ..." how should this sentiment be continued? Of course: "but a girl would;"
That's exactly the reason why in Charlotte Bronttë's "Jane Eyre". The female character is an eighteen-year-old girl who falls in love with the much older male protagonist, who has been living his life fulfilling the expectation of his father and older brother.
Or why in Jane Austen's "Sense and Sensibility" it is a fresh nineteen-year-old who is marrying a seventeen years older Colonel Brandon, and Jane Austen's brilliant writing makes it perfectly clear that Marianne beside the expectation of her society on seventeen-year-olds to be more or less mature enough for successful marriage, is actually a girl and acts like a girl and reacts to the world emotionally the same as a girl would.
Even though these male characters aren't exactly ridiculed by everyone in their environments for their behavior patterns as Gru is in "Despicable Me", they still do fit the label of "boy in the body of a man". By emphasizing "everyone" I don't mean that nobody spares him or herself making fun of the male protagonist. For example, Colonel Brandon is actually ridiculed by Jane Austen herself and Marianne's first love-interest for his peculiar behaviors, and Marianne even though at the end of the book marries him and loves him for a lifetime, in the early chapters joins her first romantic-interest in ridiculing the socially awkward Colonel.
This is just about how I was navigating my life in reality, but even my mind, even in my imagination, I was incapable of thinking properly about marriage and co-founding a family and where things like this belong in respect of attachment and romance in adulthood. For example, in the short novel that features protagonists inspired by A. S. and me – even though there the story starts within an already existing family – the idea of that family wasn't really mine, it was what I made up from things A. S. had told me about what was going on in her life few weeks before she left Berlin.
I would have not said no, had she asked me to be a family but at the same time, back then, I would have said yes to any suggestion that enabled me to spend time with her without taking into consideration the consequences, because she was the only source of emotional connection and validation in my life, the only source since forever. In addition, I didn't know I was coming from a childhood with emotional neglect, so to me this to that date unknown connection seemed like the heavenly bond books and poems talk about; Hence I didn't want to live without it, and it took many years and many experiences and observations to realize, even though it was new to my life, usually people have had such connections with their parents, siblings, or friends throughout their childhood.
Maybe my heart's endless desire that S---- being the other co-founder of such family is a lucky coincidence of the time I gained such perspective about my childhood and emotional attachment and the lucky accident that she was there, and perhaps the fact that she is so endlessly attractive being an ancillary.
But I'm not really confident that it is only our similar inexperience and the physical attraction that enabled S---- presence having such inexplicable impact(s) on me.
Whether S---- and I can love each other or not, she is part of that intimate wish about co-founding a family; I mean, every time I tried to imagined the same vision with another woman, it just didn't feel right. As common sense goes if not this time, the next time, you shouldn't give up fulfilling your needs, just because one girl rejected you:
It could be that I'm not meeting enough interesting women on a daily basis because these past years I have been excessively focused on receiving from past traumas and as a side-effect, I have found myself isolating myself from all social interactions unless forced to.
The only other person in my life I could imagine us being a family without sensing a heavy load of internal resentment is Jennette McCurdy. Otherwise even the thought of such degree of connection to someone seems too emotionally tiring, instead of being a mental image to look forward to, to aspire towards its realization in real life.
I would have been forever torn apart in the dichotomy that S---- or someone extremely similar to her [in spirit] seems the only person I would feel comfortable with the idea of being connected to one another with such depth, and the fact that I evaluate myself and my present circumstances as the direst conditions of impotence to ever realize such vision ...
Thanks to the God, a professor earnestly encouraged us to watch the full movie when she displayed a few minutes from "The Intern" to discuss it as an example of marketing strategy in her lecture.
The Intern seems to contain the lesson, I exactly needed after publishing that extraordinary piece.
Jules, the protagonist, is a first-time entrepreneur who is torn apart between the two alternatives: either remaining the CEO of the startup she had founded, even though with her present-day self, it is likely that the start-up would eventually fail due to burn-out, or to hand the position to an already experienced CEO who is currently available, and subjecting herself to his or her leadership decisions regarding the future of her venture. But she soon realizes the generally accepted truth that for entrepreneurs who found a company without monetary rewards as their primary motive, it is impossible to find someone to fill their place; I don't wish to prove here why this assertion is true, but for an example just look at Apple and Steve Jobs: both, when he was fired and now when he is dead, the company struggles to be the market leader in the way it was when he was alive, good enough emotionally healthy and leading the company.
Near the very end on the movie the newly hired senior who is officially an intern, but unofficially Jules only close-friend provides her the insight, the words of encouragement that allowed her to overcome the dichotomy:
– Okay, well, I stood in the back and watched you show the workers how to fold and box the clothes. I knew then, that was why CTF was a success. No one else is ever going to have that kind of commitment to your company Jules. To me, it’s pretty simple. CTF needs you and if you don’t mind me saying - you need it. Someone may come in with more experience than you, but they’re never going to know what you know. I never had something like this in my career. Not many people do. This big, beautiful, intricate thing that you created -- it’s a dream isn’t it? And you’re going to give that up in the hopes that your husband will stop having an affair? I don’t see how that adds up. You should feel nothing but great about what you’ve done. Don’t let anybody take that away from you.
Remembering that movie few days after the self-conversation in the shower, I couldn't stop wondering how could I have forgotten such an obvious truth: life is not about stagnation, especially not the kind of life I wish to live ...
If I was already totally ready to build a family with S---- and there was nothing lacking neither internally, nor externally in my life, then what was the point? Where was the fun of succeeding in something that seems impossible at first glance?
Chronically speaking, this was the second realization that transformed my relationship with self-efficacy, so that I had access to enough internal resourced to not entirely be dependent on the protection that disassociation provides when facing internally extremely daunting circumstances, at least not continuously and without the pause.
A family is a mutual thing and not really comparable to the decision regarding remaining the CEO of your own start-up or leaving it in the hands of someone who seems theoretically more likely to make it successful than you, but what makes my internal circumstance similar to that of Jules is that regardless of how possible any future scenario regarding S---- and I might be, the truth is, it is not the idea of S---- and I starting a family that I find so daunting but the sheer prospect of starting a family regardless of who that co-founder might be, as long as she is someone similar to S---- in spirit, someone who feels like a soulmate to me.
We aren't the same as ...
It's not that the movie "The Intern" is the one coincidence my heart needed to fool me into believing S----, regardless of how far away I'm right now from what could have been hypothetically the other half our future family, is really my soulmate. While there is no point to rewrite everything that makes she and I different, but at least, remembering few points that are relevant in my interpretation of my own feelings, is perhaps necessary.
True, I've never been in a romantic relationship; The closest thing to a relationship with the opposite sex in my adult life has been the few times going out with A. S. or the last time I met N. and R. for no reason other than because we enjoyed spending time together.
But even then, it didn't feel comfortable labeling those evenings as "dating". A. S., was already in a serious relationship since two years with the man apparently had feelings for him some seven years before, but because she was at the time with another boy together, he kept his feelings to himself till they met once again some five years later.
About the latter example, the irony would be comedic if you have a sense for dark humor: R. wasn't N.'s colleague but her girlfriend since two years, supposing their erotic interaction began first when they met.
Such interactions aren't really the kind experiences that someone needs to make in order to not be as awkward about dating as one would otherwise be.
You can't help someone overcome his or her fear of water by anesthetizing him or her and then throwing him or her into the water and fetching him or her out of it before drowning. Similarly, when two people regard each other as friends, going out isn't going to be the same experience had those two individuals regarded each other as a possible romantic partner. I'm not trying to imply my own ineptness to A. S. or N., but I didn't consider them as a possible romantic partner until a while after last time we met.
Once you have been raped in childhood, you stop looking for a possible romantic partner when you're an adult, instead you subconscious are hyper-vigilant about being raped, even when there is no rational justification for such fear available in the moment in that particular environment. So, not seeing the possibility of a romantic partner back then wasn't deliberate, nor a sign I'm gay, or that I have had plenty of romantic relationships going on at that moment in my life that there was no space for an extra woman.
At some point after those periods of spending time together with A. S. and N. came to an end, I felt it to be impossible to live without the tiny bit aura of emotional attachment that those exchanges provided in my life.
Perhaps, it wasn't entirely because I wished us to be more than friends, but because friendship alone wasn't enough excuse to ask them to stay in that city or for me to immigrate there, or to have video-chats every night. Perhaps, "maybe we could/should be more than friends" was my subconscious's avoidance strategy from my empty of attachment life.
H. R. and S. S. raised me up with the hope of fulfilling their wishes and needs and so, my loneliness though terrible visible, so visible that others would remarks to them that they should worry about my lack of social interaction, did never encourage them to ask simple questions like: "who do you like to be friends with?" or "why aren't you looking for someone who shares this interests of yours with you?" in contrast, all "advice" I would receive from them were disparaging opinions condemning me for not meddling with people whom they wanted to have contact with: the children of their colleagues and relatives.
So, I have never made the experience of finding a friend because I like someone and I want to be friend with that person on my own initiative. So, it seemed like the end of any possibility of emotional attachment for my life when A. S. and N. left. In my understanding of my self, I was totally helpless.
The hole that the loss of A.S.'s and N.'s presence left was so grave to me that I couldn't see there was no passionate romantic-interest in my heart or body for them, and so, I couldn't help myself but take it so seriously that I had lost the "one" when they left.
Of course, the whole story is far more complex and complicated. For example, even if one would label me with "borderline personality disorder" even then, while a typical symptom for borderline is the fear of abandonment which manifests dramatic symptoms in endings of romantic relationships or perceptions of the ending in the borderline's judgment, but I would act out mild forms of same symptoms, even when there was absolutely not a single erotic exchange between us, to ever that relationship be considered as a romantic one, even if for the brief period of few seconds when two individual's lips touch each other.
In retrospect, I believe, it should have been obvious to me that to a woman who has an erotic bond with another human being, a helpless and hopeless young man with no prospect about his future isn't really romance material. The short answer to how could I have so blind is: erotic trauma; I was totally blind to what erotic means to people who haven't been raped in childhood or healed from those traumas to some extent.
Even though to an outside observer, maybe the story of the tiny tiny tiny friendship/acquaintance between S---- wouldn't have any different ending that two aforementioned ones. Maybe some careless observes would even see it as if I have been reliving the same story three times with different individuals.
Even if very little interaction between N. and I, there were still reasons to consider each other friends after that short period of acquaintance, but about S---- it wasn't the friendship that I didn't wish to lose that pushed me to pursue a romantic relationship with someone without irreverently, but the intuition of us being a family the moment I saw her, felt just overwhelmingly 'отли́чно'.
Yeah, I really need to borrow a word from someone else to describe how excellently perfect, I was instantly convinced, such a future is –by Allah's leave.
The only time infatuated with someone free ...
While I don't agree with the message of the lyrics, but:
As the logic goes: "If you really want to see someone fail, convince them to pursue the impossible." One of the typical impossibilities that the subconscious of individuals who have trouble with attachment trick themselves in pursuing is being in love with someone whom they can't be in a relationship with. The "someone" doesn't necessarily have to be a human being, more often than not their love lives contains delusions of emotional attachments; A brilliantly depicted example is Lars in the movie "Lars and the real girl":
I have never been as involved in a delusion of a non-existing attachment as Lars sees himself connected to a plastically constructed example of the human being instead of a real-life one, but I have always been on the borderline of visible sanity and insanity when it comes to attachment ...
Most people are convinced once someone is in a relationship it is not "the right time" to express your affection to them, so much so that some even deliberately manipulate the other person into considering them as a friend until the "opportune moment" arrives, a practice I find morally reprehensible. Some even go in so far as to lie to themselves about when they began to like each other as if having romantic feelings for someone who is in a relationship, or in case you yourself are in a relationship is not possible. Perhaps those individuals are more likely to stick together after having cheated on each other by further drawing themselves in a web of lies about what is possible and what is impossible ... However, I was always convinced, that feeling passionate about someone in your heart, so much so to be motivated to commit to loving that individuals for the rest of your life, is a totally different business than whether you or that individual is in a romantic relationship or not, at the moment you meet each other or not.
It's not only the few couples I have seen living these kinds of lies, but sometimes individuals with seemingly morally healthy romantic relationships, have given me the advice that if I truly love someone and she isn't single at the moment, I have to keep my feelings to myself till her relationships ends and then make a move.
That's such bullshit. How can't you not be disgusted by the sheer dishonesty of acting out such a scheme on a person you wish to have a relationship with, the kind of relationship that one of its foundational pillars is trust, trusting someone without that individuals being honest with you is a delusion on your side and a manipulation on his or her side.
Had a woman treated me in such a way, I would have never accepted her feelings unless she has proved enough justification. And, of course, the justification that "at the time I was infatuated with someone else," in my opinion, is nothing but _bullshit_.
I don't believe that people fall in love simultaneously, but that isn't a permission for disguising your real intentions, instead, it should be the reason why we allow others to speak out their fantasies and wishes and dreams that they have about us without getting upset with them, or considering it harassment. Living in a culture that punishes people for speaking out their romantic wishes, only benefits the rapists and abusers. I'm not talking about a female secretary suing his boss for emailing her how he fantasies having sex with her after his wife had left her and on a moment of emotional low point and lapse of judgment under mental exhaustion. The culture of censoring one's romantic wishes runs so deep that sometimes we don't even speak with ourselves about what we really want from someone. Sometimes I have seen men and women who were playing a sad facial expression after a break-up not because they were emotionally devastated by losing the person they loved, but because they perceived those around them expect them to have been emotionally and intellectually connected to their romantic partner, while in reality the connection had been more grounded on sexual pleasure, sometimes not even "pleasure," but using erotic as a mutual escape mechanism from the daunting prospect of healing one's trauma.
Expressing romantic wishes can also be used as a mean of emotional abuse, manipulation or deception. Think of women who fall for the "you're the one," while the man who proclaims such statements would have been happier has he had the opportunity to taste that other attractive woman's breast and married to that wealthy daughter of a respectable family, so his own family would have higher regard of him. But I don't believe these risks justify the censorship, just as freedom of the press shouldn't be compromised by foreign-supported propaganda agencies acting as legitimate journalist houses.
Both A. S. and N. were at the time in a two-year-old relationship, and have I had the ability to foresee how they will interpret my actions, probably I would have not even bothered communicating my interest in them, but that aside, I believe the fact that they were in a relationship kind of offered an alternative to bypass overcoming internal difficulties with attachment, especially romantic attachment. Knowing something can't happen, you're safe to strive for it, and your fears won't come between you and your ambitions because there is not going to happen that your fears have to protect you from it.
I'm not entirely sure how true this is, because it is my guess and I haven't had it validated by any individual whom this guess might apply to, so far, but sometimes I felt like my difficulty with pursuing a relationship with someone available and by contrast the ease with which I wouldn't mind expressing I like to be in a relationship with someone who was at that moment in a relationship, kind of encouraged women who were interested me in that way to find themselves a boyfriend; As the logic goes "you only know you love her, when you let her go," to those women perhaps it seemed that I would only be aware that I'm interested in that woman once when she is no longer [romantically] free.
S---- is the only exception, where my expression was along the lines that "I want us to get to know each other more because I want to marry you ..."
In the most ideal version of my imagination, I wished we had first met, just as she turned eighteen and I was this perfect version of myself, without having burned some fourteen years of my life. Even if I might disagree with her understanding of romantic relationships back when we first met, I liked if I was the kind of man who would have surpassed even her flawed and unrealistic expectations. Sure, being that man would have required hard work, so in my perforce world imagination, I imagined I knew about her existence since I was eighteen, so I would have had a little time to work on becoming the one man about whom she couldn't resist her heart's desire to be her husband among any other hypothetical or real alternative available to her.
I hope S---- values love and her heart more than the current relationship status. I hope she is drastically different than the typical people in our cultures. I hope she is someone who prioritizes honesty above how nice the lies of a manipulator would sound like if told to others, or how feasible building a family together appears to be. But maybe she isn't, maybe she would need time to realize all these, and maybe she never would ... that I hope not, I hope the Lord rescues us. If we are soulmates, I hope the Lord rescues of all lies told and taught to us, of believing liars, their actions, their misrepresentation of the world and their false beliefs and their tendency for false and out of place rationalizations, and of all the false and misleading interpretations and advices people with corrupt hearts or beliefs would give one because of their self proclaimed "sincere interest to help one," while in fact, the corruption in their hearts or beliefs makes those advices harmful regardless of how self-interested or self-less their acts of giving advice and trying to control and manipulate others are ...
Unsolicited empirical proof
The boldest proof that seems relevant to why it appears to me that S---- is in some respects fundamentally different than the few previous romantic infatuations in my adulthood, is the sort of experiment which befall me, or I fall inside it out of naivety about male-female interactions ...
There are unconventional guidelines for transparency and privacy in this publication venture, so I don't wish to express all the details of what happened between us, even though such acts of leaving out details are like the darkness of a child's room at night, constantly leaving him or her in fears of monsters that will sneak into his or her dreams, which in the case of S---- and I means, I'm having had a girlfriend behind her back. I wouldn't mind to bend over backward to reassure S---- I love her, had we had such commitment to one another, but renegotiating this publication's guidelines for her temporary comfort while the real solution is a different one, ain't going to happen, not because I don't love her enough, but because I love her enough to not silent her symptoms with Aspirin because I don't want to be any more involved in helping her.
Avoiding to retell it as a story from the beginning till the end, here is the best digest description of what happened:
[...] I met A----- in the bus to Milan visiting my parents & I told her I have no interest in her & just can't handle meeting my parents ... People treated us like couples & I didn't want to eat out with her alone but I felt I owe a lunch to her cuz things happened, so next day we had lunch with my parents ... Ever since I didn't spoke to her for lots of reasons & I told my parents that she isn't my girlfriend [...]
Even though in my heart, though for a long time unspoken, I always knew H. R. and S. S. treat me in a way that makes me feel like running out of air to breathe, in most modern cultures parents are always seen as being an invaluable parts of one's life and social circle, so much so that the Grimm Brothers had to change the character of Snow White's mother into her step-mother to sell their book as fairy-tale with children at its target audience.
Thanks the God, for the moment of awakening that H. R. and S. S.'s' influence in my life had rather been constructing an invisible wall prohibiting me to ever put any single step towards my dreams, instead of how they prefer to see themselves as "always supporting me [against all the odds]." Ever since I am trying to be more self-aware and not allow myself to fall in the trap of believing H. R. and S. S. should be loved by me as parents, or otherwise, it's my fault for feeling terrible regarding how they treated me.
S. S. would often say "every family has ..." but that's such bullshit. It's not like I'm a young adult and meeting my parents is a mood-killer cuz I have to wash my dresses, so they don't smell after weed, meeting them has rather different kinds of side effects:
Meeting my mother after 4/5 years, my father after 1/2 years and I regret not having committed suicide before ...
Having lived twenty years, constantly forcing myself in believing H. R. and S. S. love me, and something is terribly wrong with me for not loving them back, until I met A. S. and she treated me with such kindness and interest in me in a way never H. R. and S. S. has done. I'm not talking about erotic interest. H. R. would tell every child of his friends that learning English is an important matter, and a good percentage of my classmates would often visit English courses after the school, but he and S. S. first realized that they have to do something about my English level when my grades were close to falling below the passing level.
I began to learn English seriously on my own, first after I became advanced in German because H. R. envisioned me to receive an engineering degree from a German technical university, without even seriously discussing his plan for my life with me, after I was stuck with only two alternatives: either following the fulfillment of his vision or losing his financial support.
I guess, in retrospect, I have to admit I can sound too cruel when talking about H. R. and S. S. for example, I was so mean with their assertion that "they have always supported me," I think they are terribly honest in that assertion, only that they forget to finish their sentence: "we have always supported you in accomplishing our wishes, needs and demands from you, and we always will."
It is only recently that I realized minion-hood is the perfect description for how H. R. and S. S. relate to me. But back when visiting them in Milan and I had just purchased the two books by Jonice Webb on childhood emotional neglect and was reading one or the other.
But back those three days, as I was at the beginning of the journey of discovering the extent of the influence of my childhood on how flawed my beliefs and behavior patterns in interacting and relating to other human beings, my life looked like I could be living a "normal" life instead of constantly growing in pain and loneliness.
H. R. and S. S. once you understand their behavior patterns and value their verbal assertions containing notions of emotional attachment as pure bullshits, it becomes hard to be disappointed by them, unlike I have been all my life. H. R. and S. S. would complain about missing me, and we had planned to meet for only a few days after a long while of never having visited them, but even then, they weren't there to pick me up, even though they were in Milan hours before. Unlike most such example in my childhood, when other children were picked up by their parents from school, and I had to ask the school-master to call a taxi or otherwise call a relative to pick me up, and so I stay at their house ... I didn't consider it an expression of emotional neglect. In my childhood I didn't understand those behaviors as bold examples of emotional neglect, I bought the rationalization of my parents about working long hours to provide for us. It was first many years later that I realized other people of my age have had conversations with their parents I never had, nor could imagine having them today. I'm not saying one shouldn't appreciate parents who work long hours, but there is difference between as a side-effect of work schedule, having to do things with delay, –for example, catching up with what happened at school at dinner table instead of on the way home,– and using the work as an excuse to avoid any emotional involvement with your children.
So, instead of being upset with H. R. and S. S. for the meaningless of how much they miss me, when they don't even bother to pick me up and as a result be spending more time with me, I use the opportunity to distract myself from hard feelings brought up by the proximity of meeting them. I ask A----- if we could walk in the city together and so for few hours till they could find me I walked in the streets of Milan acting so as if I was there to visit the city with a friend.
At first H. R. and S. S. were supposed to be there on time, but then their "on time" took more than a few hours and hence I end up asking A----- if she wants to wait to have a lunch together, because I didn't want to have lunch with her alone, to avoid making it feels like a date, –because on the way to Milan, I learned A----- had a boyfriend and they were planning to be married when she returns to her country in few months time–. But then they arrived really past what we supposed as our lunchtime and ...
Anyways, me feeling bad about how I had treated A----- and the dismissed prospect of inviting her for lunch, I asked her to dine together the day after or so, and that was when H. R. and S. S. and A----- sat a table looking like I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents. But neither A----- was my girlfriend, nor H. R. and S. S. after all that happened between us, would deserve to know about my romantic interest as the first individuals in my life.
But me being fully mentally and emotionally exhausted with meeting H. R. and S. S. in person, I couldn't prevent myself from regressing into same toxic behavior patterns and beliefs I had subconsciously developed in childhood as a defense mechanism of living in their household; So, for a while sitting at that table felt like I could have had a happy looking life together with A----- as my wife and H. R. and S. S., unlike in the past when they would make statements along the lines: "if I want to be with such a woman, they would never consider me their child since this day onward."
You have to understand the arrogance of H. R. and S. S. and their sense of ownership over all aspects of my life. For plenty of reasons, H. R. and S. S. would be the last people on Earth who should know about my romantic commitment to another human being, so it's not like we had discussions about the woman I'm romantically interested in when I had just met her, or when we were going out as friends, the only time we had such a discussion about a real example, was about A. S. and that first about a year after she had left Berlin, which meant some months after we have stopped all contacts with each other. So even though A. S. and I being together was an "impossibility," it didn't stop them from making such threats.
May the Lord punish and exercise His vengeance upon every and all individuals who disrespect and dishonor the love, being it parents, siblings, friends, different authorities in the environment or the romantic interest him or herself ...
While children easily stand up whenever they fall down, especially in their parent's presence encoring them to learn how to walk, adults, especially those who have no safe place for emotional recovery act quite the opposite way: the first failure and it is regarded as an ultimate fate for one's endeavor in that professional field or aspect of personal life.
You can't imagine the emotional distress and intellectual irritation of a young man who sincerely believes in Islam and at the same time is torn apart with whether he is in love with an older atheist woman who has a boyfriend or whether it is a side-effect of the novel his writing influencing his perception of reality.
I had nobody whom I could talk to about my concern and would take them seriously as A. S. would, but A. S. was the very woman who was at the center of that psychological whirlwind.
Somehow deep inside me, I arrived at the conclusion that I can't ever have a functioning love life. H. R. and S. S. wanting to disown me as their son because of my feelings for A. S. while A. S. herself having left Berlin in the confusing style which she had.
A. S.'s final words that she can't trust me because could she know I won't go around and cheat on her by saying the exact same thing to other women. In retrospect, her argument is particularly irrational, but at the time I took it for as if it were a holly truth and hence the deduction that I can't ever find happiness with a woman I personally feel like us to be emotionally close to each other.
With all these backgrounds, there we were: H. R. and S. S. and the woman who could have been my girlfriend sitting at the same table and everyone trying to be nice to the other person, instead of me being the subject of brutal mistrust by that woman herself and threats of disowning me as a child by H. R. and S. S.
A----- is an amiable and pretty woman and H. R. and S. S. and the waitresses of those restaurants in the touristic areas mistaking us for romantic partners and treating us as such made it all too closer to reality of experiencing something other than being hopelessly lost in asking myself "why nobody loves me" and how to deal with it:
This time around in my life, I didn't need to convince myself, that one day when I break free from erotic trauma, one day when I'm no more feel missing A. S., that one day when I have a well-paid job, house and car, that one day when there is someone who loves me, and we can build a relationship together, I can say goodbye to trying to look happy to the outside world while at the same feeling that my inside feels like a long-abandoned building, that the signs of devastation and desertions are all over the place if you just get close enough to look inside it through a window.
It felt refreshing, different, and good to have the respect of H. R. and S. S. instead of hearing them telling me "I destroyed all the efforts they put in my upbringing."
It felt refreshing, different, and good to have a woman who didn't mind to enter a lingerie shop together upon my suggestion, rather than accusing me of sexual harassment for an unintentional mishap. It felt unimaginably valuable to not be requested to proof to her that I really just suggested that shop because there was a big sale sign on the window and I really didn't notice what that shop was selling, otherwise I would have not.
Since hearing the example of two individuals I sort of liked, accusing the man in a relationship with them of lying about having been sexually abused in childhood, and being a virgin, each time I'm reminded of false accusations and interpretations likes these in my own life, I try to calm myself by telling that "I can't have it better than Elon;" But sometimes you wish, there was a woman who loved you, who understood you, who didn't think everything you do or say is just a lie to get her in bed ...
Whether A----- did think such horrible things about me or not, at least those three days, there was no indicator that she mistrust me.
Writing the line about visiting the lingerie shop and knowing S-----, I can't help but imagine she is going to accept the advice of her friends that I had these horrible schemes with A----- and perhaps I have even had intercourse with her in those three-days but don't want to tell it, but parts of me wish to hope she has the intellectual and emotional capacity to realize that yeah, even though it was my suggestion to visit that lingerie shop because it had big visible sale signs, and I didn't saw what a shop it was standing on the other side of the street, and as a man trying to sell-myself as someone who is so masculine and have no problem with sexual things and etc, so I didn't like to wish to get out of that store as soon as entering it, but at the end, a few minutes inside the store and feeling uncomfortable there became so intense that I left the shop knowing maybe she would leave me right there in front of the store for acting like a child instead of a "bad-boy" she had been dreaming of her whole life ...
Meeting my parents means evoking lots of hard-feelings; Hence, I really needed a human being with whom I could be a little myself. So, it was so important for me that A----- was there, even though before sitting in the bus next to each other, I didn't even know her name, though I had seen her in a party that was organized a few months ago ...
If A----- and I were married, it could have looked like, as if some of the things I struggle most in life, were totally solved, overcome, and healed. And I don't deny that such outcome might have been a possibility down the way in such marriage because I believe that a loving romantic-relationship with Mr. or Miss Right is one of the best environment for such personal developments. But even though probably, I don't think it is likely, because I didn't feel like we can be real lovers.
Even though we looked like the perfect match from my parents' perspective, to me that didn't seem like a possibility; in fact, one of the very last sentences in the conversations in our last exchange was:
"You make me hate you!"
I was trying to be nice to her as a friend, while she was constantly trying to be agreeable and that isn't a recipe for love to me, not even for friendship, to be honest, not for any healthy human interaction between individuals with similar degrees of authority over one another.
My experience from childhood regarding someone so agreeable is my mother who would at times turn back and count all the times she has made "sacrifices", the sacrifices nobody had asked for, and nobody would appreciate. Now, looking back, she had been her whole life avoiding to enter a conflict inside the family, and I do agree that conflicts aren't fun or easy or pleasant but if you don't allow the other party to know your differing opinions, feelings, wishes, hopes and dreams, and you make amends based on what you think the other person would be pleased with and then inside yourself expect a return, I mean, the other person may not even know that you have made such compromises, not to mention to be willing to do a similar favor for you in return.
I really disliked myself for using such sentence regarding a woman who has been nothing but kind to me, but my self-control was at its lowest point because of meeting my parents, my capacity for anguish, anger, frustration, and sadness was beyond my control because of being close to them. So, little room left for anyone to mess up with me, even if unconsciously.
I guess that moment I just realized I'm making the same mistake I've made about my parents. I guess, that sentence was a combination and a summary of a few contradictory feelings and wishes: on one hand the coincidence of meeting her, the coincidence of me being desperate for someone else's presence and all these filled me with the hope or the wish that we might be perfect for each other, on the other hand, since the very first moment, and along all the conversations we had, it was too obvious that she has no interest in me, that she doesn't have the same inspiration for investing one's life on wild ideas and more than anything, she has little or no interest to be herself, that she prefers to stay in her current circumstances even that is not the life she wishes for, instead of trying to change her current circumstances or moving elsewhere.
Being agreeable all the time with the price of compromising your own identity and self-sense, is actually a natural defense mechanism in children because children can't move away and be part of another family, and at the same time they don't even know themselves to any degree yet, so they rather learn to act out what is expected of them in any given situation in order to receive enough care and attention to grow healthy into adulthood: If a child desires love and her parents appreciate good grades, he or she will study hard, so hard that he or she might harm him or herself. If the child-parent relationship were a healthy one, the child wouldn't be so desperate for love, and so the motivation for studying wouldn't be his or her parents' appreciation about the resulting grades but his or her interest in this or that subject, and his or her parents' encouragements to follow his or her worthy interests.
Dancing the landmines away
Once a young self-prescribed Christian-friendly man was trying to make his case why he is not "racist" or something along those lines with reference to some scientific research that proved human beings have the biological tendency to prefer people of their own race, and by race he gave us an example of how he would rather save a white man than a black man from fire. I don't know how much exposure to flat-out lies and covert propaganda is necessary to turn a God-fearing man into a morally corrupt man who rationalizes his wrongdoings by believing racism is biological, but I'm sure, the angles laugh their panties wet hearing explanations like these.
Angels aren't idiots deliberately neglecting the God's endless signs of guidance sent to mankind. In the barbarian eras more than a millennium ago, the God would send prophets who would reason with their folks, but in our times, we are so gravely more idiot than those barbarian tribes that the God makes His proofs become poster-boys and -girls all around the Earth and still the good faithful Christians, the God-fearing Christians, don't smell the liquid evaporating from angles' panties.
But devout Christians, especially those in the Catholic church, especially some priests who vow devotion to acting on behalf of "Bride of Christ" –what the fuck that bullshit may ever mean,– aren't perverts like a man from the Middle East, to watch interviews of Winnie Harlow who poses nearly nude on Victoria's Secret, or god-forbid fill their ears with satanic messages of Michael Jackson, they are the real playboys. I mean, literarily, some of them actually play with boys and girls, the kind plays that leaves the victim to deal with "erotic trauma" on their own while the church covers up their shits.
If I were the God, I would leave the doors to heaven wide open to men and women who cover-up their inability with meaningful connection to women by masturbating to photos or videos of men and women who willingly pose naked with the purpose of producing erotically arousing content, than those who change the God's commands and invent new rules and regulation and ultimately make a joke of themselves by failing the very same inventions they believed real God was too stupid to not have come up with, or maybe to forgetful, or maybe deep in their hearts and minds they don't really believe He exists and that's why they think they can just make up stuff like Jesus, Moses or Muhammad had done.
Being outspoken about sexuality is a lifestyle choice, not having made enough personal development so a woman or a man would accept to build a family with you, is a sign of flaws in one personality. Elsewhere I've criticized Michael Jackson's inability for meaningful emotional and romantic attachment with another adult, and sure, we shouldn't take him as our role-models in such aspects of lives, just as a man or a woman shouldn't forget becoming better at dating or working on themselves to be more attractive to the opposite sex, because sex toys and porn are cheap and available worldwide. The same way that Morphine and Aspirin haven't stopped us from researching real solutions for physical illness, and still doctors prescribe them when they have no better idea how to ease the pain. But preaching these individuals as sinners while you yourself, or your friends rape and molest kids in the cloth of cleric duty and sometimes even fucking young adolescents inside the very building that is meant to worship the God and be a recovery for broken, damaged or sinful souls who return to the God for forgiveness, redemption, guidance and the ultimate success.
Catholic church is an extreme example, but the same is true in small instances; For example, we bully fat girls with these fantasies that they only being made love to by a man who finds it repulsive and disgusting, and similarly we bully men who are socially awkward with the fantasies that they are serial rapists and they have such a pervert and criminal nature that nobody wanted to befriend them; While the very same individuals who bully these stereotypes with these kinds of fantasies about who they are, aren't really morally blameless in their own lives, more often than not, they are actually projecting their own struggles to someone they don't know anything about, nor are willing to get to know more about.
An authentic enough depiction the examples I'm talking about can be found in "The 40-year-old virgin":
Not every movie and not every filmmaker is morally tolerable. For example, the movie "Sierra Burgess Is a Loser" while theoretically is supposed to be a film that challenges those stereotypes about the fat, unattractive high school girl, is actually rebranding mild forms of rape as a morally acceptable behavior just because she is fat.
But in order to challenge these stereotypes you don't need to teach kids how to mildly rape each other while believing themselves to be justified in acting so, what you need to do is for example, a story like this: the beautiful girl who goes in bed with a cool guy and while she bullies the fat girl that she is being hate fucked by his boyfriend, if she ever finds herself a boyfriend, while in reality that boy is in bed with her because he made a pack with a male friend of his whether he can get into that girl's pants or not, and while he is making love to her, in his mind he is imagining that it is another woman he is making love to.
While some women usually don't admit it to themselves, and rather hold to the fantasy that after sleeping with her that boy realized how horrible his actions had been and changed and now he is acceptable as her future husband, in reality, there are one or two witnesses who know the truth and know the meaninglessness of those "apologies" and "changes." Because never having a romance with that woman, is actually a precondition of a real apology. It's just mind blowing that many people rather accept a flat-out meaningless apology than living an honest life. If you don't understand why this is so, consider this example: in some countries where people can't wrap their heads around the idea that intellectually healthy men and women sometimes rape others, the punishment for those rapists is to marry their victim, as long as it is not a pre-pubescent kid. Some rape victims don't actively object such to those marriages, because it takes a lot of times for our psyche to process what has happened to us. The victims who freeze when they are raped, often take a long time to discover anger and content toward their rapist. That's a side-effect of freeze mode. While being raped mean someone using physical violence or drugs or other material means to override your authority over your decisions about whom to make love with, being deceived about why someone wants to be in bed with you, is an immaterial mean to override your authority over your decision about whom to make love with. Just because someone is using an intangible method to undermine your love life, doesn't mean their behavior is any less morally reprehensible than that of someone who uses visible violence.
But I hope, as readers of this gazette you are willing enough to work hard to not end up being a stupid, idiot, fucking asshole. One of the many things you can do to not be that is to pay attention. Let's do a little practice. Did you pay attention to the interview with Winnie Harlow?
Okay, I'm a little exaggerating, actually, if you had paid attention to that clip and didn't know the story from elsewhere, it would be hard to guess what I'm going to talk about. So, let's tell a little back story and then we will come back to a tiny detail form that clip.
While after the Germany's and their friends atrocities against, especially Jewish individuals, "racism" is no more a debatable topic as "climate change" is, unless by those who are dying to prove others that they are truly retarded from having learned much human decency, morality, or even simply lessons from history of contemporary Europe. It is still striking that a good percentage of the population and even some fake academia don't understand what "racism" is actually about.
The fake academic discussions and misleading scholarly works often use a simple trick: they study racism as a form of stereotyping, which couldn't be any more an illusion. That's like studying atom bombs as a form of physics, instead of as a means of war. The atomic reaction that causes the violence is a form of physics, and you can study it in physics, but the atom bomb and its use is related to security studies and weapon development technologies.
Racism is about constructing stereotypes in order to justify and blind ourselves to our wrongdoings, both on individual and on the group and social level at the same time. And it has powerful implications both for the victims and the oppressors. There is no need for scientific research to prove this point, a simple example is enough to illustrate the reality. When the light comes, the darkness fades away.
I love Ashley Frangipane too much, to not wished the Lord helped us be role-models as in:
And those who will not witness vanity, but when they pass near senseless play, pass by with dignity. [25:72] And those who, when they are reminded of the revelations of their Lord, fall not deaf and blind thereat. [25:73] And who say: Our Lord! Vouchsafe us comfort of our wives and of our offspring, and make us patterns for (all) those who ward off (evil). [25:74]
But sometimes having a Play Boy subscription is closer to the receiving the God's guidance than consuming fake academics, feminists, priests, scholars, and co. For example, I don't believe the young man I began this chapter with his example is intellectually disabled so that a revelation like these not to serve him as a wake-up call:
I think the best way to fix his analogy about saving the people with the same skin color as yours first would be to force all people to walk fully naked, so if one day we need to step in and be the hero, we can first check whose nipple color matches their skin color, so we don't mix up ourselves saving someone that would invalidate our scientific theory's prediction.
But not every man is privileged enough to suck on Halsey's nipple. So, Ashley Frangipane's being the product of individuals with different skin colors, goes typically unchallenged. But not everyone with parents with different skin colors is as fortunate, and because "racism" isn't about stereotyping but about oppressing others, we deny the existence of examples that prove the bullshitness of our categorization and so, some of those individuals have ended up being illegal because they were born:
Perhaps putting yourself in the shoes of the opposite side might be additionally enlightening:
Taking into account the racism regarding romantic issues ascribed to men from the Middle East and Women from Eastern Europe, S---- and I having a happy, fulfilling romantic life as wife and husband is illegal. And it has to be stopped by all means possible. While fake European take pride in being members of Europe after the enlightenment, it's ironic that the very same individuals who have no sense of self, other than their link to a non-existing patriotic identity, happens to be the ones who least picked a lesson from the entitlement's idols. If enlightenment has really had affected those individuals, perhaps you would have seen them be free of prejudice when a young man and woman experience a love-at-the-first-sight moment while coming from backgrounds that hold to prejudices that make it be a wrong decision to marry each other. I'm specifically referring to Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet". But unfortunately, to those who fucking intervened between us, Romeo and Juliet's struggles apply only if it concerns two Italian families. As if they don't understand Shakespeare didn't choose it because he thought it is only applicated to Italian family feuds as if he were an Italian and talking about his own personal experience. So, the lesson these individuals have learned from the enlightenment's icons is to advance their schemes in preventing those lovers expressing their love for each other. What is better than taking them against each other: imagine the girls thinks the boy wants to rape him and the boy is holding a grudge against her for false accusation. Of course, you can't fool two people of wrong interpretations about each others' motives and decision, unless, they have no direct interaction with each other and they rely on you to interpret their indirect communications. This way those two Italien familied never needed to acknowledge how stupid their fights had been, the very fight that defined their identity and held them together as families.
Fake feminists are so proud of themselves about how advance Europeans are compared to the Middle Eastern societies when it comes to women's rights. For example the voting right. In reality in most Middle East countries, neither ordinary men nor ordinary women have any right for political participation, because of dictatorships that are founded because of European and it's offshoots' interventions and sometimes even direct support. There wouldn't be an Islamic Revolution in Iran if Mosaddegh's government weren't overthrown because the British sought revenge after Iran democratically nationalized its oil industry. Or Saudi Arabia wouldn't be a military strong-hold had the European countries and its offshoots were willing to not support dictators who give in to their interests. In reality, women in the Middle East have had the same rights on ownership of assets and property as men do, the only difference is the rights on inheritance which can be explained by the difference in the right for alimony and the marriage portion that a man is obliged to pay to the woman. Even if they divorce before consummating the marriage, the man is obliged to pay the portion they have agreed upon between each other, but in half. I mean, it makes sense that there be a difference between a marriage that lasted for a little while, and a marriage that ended in divorce before the couple found time to fool around in bed. But this goes against all the fairytales that pundits and fake academics spread to justify invasions of different Middle Eastern regimes. Imagine one day most people in Europe sincerely believing that the people in the Middle East are far more morally advanced than Europeans have ever been historically for more than a Millenium. Wouldn't such a public question itself about how real "ISIS" is? Wouldn't that public be capable of understand that there is no such a thing as "Islamic terrorism" rather groups who highjacks a few words and verses from the Quran, take it out of context, get indirect funding by their government and then create mayhem, so their government can take credit for fighting the terrorism and distract them from real issues?
The case with women from Eastern Europe is even more morally cruel. Ever since the CIA took credit for contributing to overthrow of Soviet Union in part also through funding and financing art and cultural endeavors, even names as famous as "Paris Review" which is a literary journal and not in any way political, almost all authoritarian regimes have begun following suit. Europe is, of course, not an exception. Usually, independent movies receive praise for talking about an issue that the mainstream doesn't wish, want or can't talk about, and you have to do so in a meaningful way. For example, there are movies which have more nudity than some porn oriented products, but they are considered works of art because there is a worth-while meaning behind the use of nudity. The 2008 winner of Cannes's best screenplay should have been such a work, but unfortunately, it perpetuates the wide-spread propaganda that Eastern European girls fish marriage with European men to get a Schengen Visa and it totally ignores all the geopolitical backgrounds. Not everyone is Michael Haneke to be able to give an answer as to why German public committed such atrocities at the Nazie time with a movie, so let's forget all social level issues that contribute to situations like the one depicted in that movie. That movie ignores the background story of the main protagonists so much so that they are easy to be seen as stereotypes instead of human beings. For example, we have no idea why Claudy Moreau is a drug addict, or why his friends and family didn't prevent him from falling in the trap of a fake love that was a scheme to get a visa. The European political elite don't want the public to ask themselves such questions, the same way that women in Europe don't like to answer the questions as to why they don't offer their pussy to their men so that they have to pay for the services of sex-workers legally and illegally imported from Eastern Europe or Africa. That's a very important question, "why those men don't get enough pussy?" but nobody wants to ask it. Instead, relative to European women, women from Eastern Europe are more sluttish, just as compare to European men, men from the Middle East are more rapist and sexually violent.
The moral cruelty with this fucked up stereotypes about Eastern European women is that in almost all moral principles it is the stronger who holds more responsibility and accountability. So, it is far easier to forgive a woman who becomes prostitutes or uses marriage to have access to better living conditions and escape from poverty, than to forgive a man who uses his privilege and wealth to take advantage of women in morally unacceptable ways.
There is a difference between men who marry someone from an economically lesser successful society because of real love, and men who do so as a matter of accessibility and availability, and then when she is pregnant fuck a prostitute. Just because someone like that could get elected as president, doesn't mean that man's behavior isn't exceptionally more morally reprehensible than the woman who stays in that marriage instead of getting a divorce. A fair enough depiction of the former example can be found in the movie "Same Same But Different":
Maybe it wasn't only the ingenuity of fucking assholes who intervened and those who contributed to such interventions, being it through fake artworks, research, scholarly work, or whatever, but maybe we also didn't see we have to protect ourselves against others, if we are going to ever marry each other, and perhaps continue such protection forever, if that marriage is supposed to last forever ... and that's why A----- and I seemed so perfect for each other. For one, there were no others between us those days, but for the other, she coming from India, isn't exposed to the same propaganda about men from the Middle East, in fact in India male-female relationship is more complex:
Some realities of life are so in contrast to that caricature image. While in the public opinions of distant populations, Iran undermines women's right more than India, me having grown up in both countries, I can tell you, romantic relationships in India are far more empty of emotions and caring of each other's emotional needs than the romantic relationships in Iran. While A----- might be someone with less prejudice against Muslims, but I guess her not having such horror-story imagination about how romantic relationships of Muslim men and women look like, I guess, for her there are enough horror stories in the India of emotionless romantic relationships that are actually highly praised by the culture and common-sense that the idea of marrying a Muslim isn't the only way to lock yourself in a never-ending emotionless sexual slavery and unjust treatment contract.
Justice, morality, honesty, and truth has always been important to me, by the Lord's leave and I always thought about using my wedding, marriage and nowadays after that exceptional piece, my family, –if I ever receive such mercies from the Lord– to be in part a socio-political statement, to be an act of enlightenment by their very existence. While the animosity and the schemes of those who meddle in our affairs debilitated me at the time, and I don't have any idea how to fight it, other than Shakespeare's recommendation, which unfortunately served others to figure out new schemes, as always, I wish the Lord to protect us and defeat the scheme of every morally corrupt man or woman, against every true lovers, and if S---- and I could be such lovers in how He has created us and arranged our fates, of course about us too, then, especially about us too ...
and if S---- and I were supposed to be lovers, may the Lord us teach us to learn and understand each other, in all aspects as much as necessary and as much as possible, and learn to how to love each other, free of prejudices and interventions of whomever and with whatever fake or idiotic rationalization, and may the Lord support, protect and guide us to actually love each other that way ...
The price tag for authentic love
In the past, I was extremely convinced about this, but thanks the God, slowly I became more comfortable with the idea of giving up on such prerequisites for initiating a romantic relationship, but still:
But I can't even afford a woman I can pay for; Especially back then I was so so far away, that perhaps even if I were married to a woman, I would be able to find pleasure in physical intimacy with her.
But I knew, I want to marry S---- the day I saw her face, or better said, if I were super wealthy, I would have come up with an excuse to spend a little time together, then perhaps a little more and a little more and maybe after some 12 or 24 hours together, I would have asked her to marry me ...
Even though the last chapter I discussed how others infiltrating S----'s sense of reality, and her judgment worked as if there was this minefield that every interaction and every word, even lack of interaction could become a reason for doubt, for mistrust, for accusations ... but from my personal experience women, even European women aren't always assuming a rapist in stranger young man from the Middle East, if we just start a conversation and then it continued to the front door, then a walk, then coffee, then a lunch, then visiting a park, then dinner, then ...
Sincerely, women understand that they aren't perfect and that you aren't perfect either, and that perhaps both of you are a work in progress, especially when you are young. A few times, a couple of years ago, girls who seemed to be like last years of the school, late night wouldn't even expect a conversation but making out in place of "hello." Maybe because I don't look like someone from the Middle East, or maybe because those many years ago, I wasn't as emotionally devastated as I have been past three or four years, or maybe in addition to all these, because most young women don't see a rapist in a young man, because why? I mean, one time, I was in a situation that felt like, if I'm not going to make out with that girl, it's her friend who was a bit chubbier would act out her fantasy ...
And that's also the reason, why you have these individuals who wait too long in the hope that that man improves his personality, or financial circumstances, or overcome his addiction, or whatever:
I believe in honesty, and so when my sister was dating a guy, I asked her to ask him whether he has ever felt attracted to another girl before and what has happened. She didn't agree with my reasons. I believed, you have to know whom you're entering into a relationship with, especially if you aren't acting on an intuition rather on slowly getting falling in love with someone after a second or third date.
I mean, people fall in love with each other after a half-drunk first kiss in a bar, and even those aren't love in the first-sight; so, the second or third date for someone who's around twenty, is slow.
Perhaps, deep inside, everyone wants to have a love story that can tell to their children that they would consider it a fairy-tale, and I guess that's what feared my sister to ask those questions, because it made it impossible to lie to herself that she is the first woman he ever loved. Of course, without a relationship and commitment and mutual feelings you can't call it "love" but at the same time, it's not the truth to think someone never has had any feelings for any other girl or woman.
There are other reasons why people would lie to themselves or each other about the nature of their relationship. The most common practice is to wait to rationalize your actions afterward. If you had sex with a woman, you tell her, you love her, but if you didn't, you keep your feelings to yourself. Another common practice that is specific to individuals who have lost their access to their emotions is the various expressions of "nobody cares." For example, they believe deep inside everyone is lying about "loving someone," because nobody really loves anybody other than themselves, and those three words are only exchanged to fool each other. Some of these individuals are honest enough to say disgusting things about new-borns and how ugly those things are and how stupid and dishonest their mothers and fathers that claim their baby is beautiful. While typically in the movies individuals like these are portrayed as serial killers, some of these people may totally abide by the law, or at least never be caught or witnessed breaking it.
But I know too much about human psychology to accept notions like these. While present-day psychology is puzzled with the roots of "narcissist personality disorder" and "psychopathy" I don't think these are random mysteries.
And if you are one of those people there is no difference between "rape" and "making love" other than how the woman would refer to it, so, all you put your effort on is how to deceive her. But I don't subscribe to such world-views.
For individuals who have no access to their emotions, generalizing on stereotypes is enough to prove someone being motivated to rape or to love someone, but I believe human beings have feelings. Feelings are the stuff that prevents you from raping someone even if you have absolutely no sense and intellectual understanding of any moral principle, nor there is a criminal justice system in place. Of course, if you have no access to your own feelings, you think your speculation about someone else's motivations are the reality, because for you the reality of feelings is meaningless because nobody has feelings and it is all a matter of who can deceive others better.
I don't believe in that world, that's why talking about the desire to building a family with a stranger isn't a sign of interest in raping that person, but if it should be considered a sign of anything, in most cases it a sign of stepping away from childhood and slowing entering the realm of adulthood:
When I was a kid, there was a movie that really caught my interest even back then I didn't really understand, why I can resonate with those characters so much, as I do today. The movie featured an intellectually talented but extremely introverted young man who was about to graduate from the most prominent religious school in Iran. Coming from poor circumstances the day before graduating he goes on to buy the special cleric clothing that cost a good amount of money for his budget. On the way back to school a boy steals his bags and so the rest of the movie is about him following that little thief. That kid has a sister who is a prostitute accepting two or more customers per day, and by the end of the movie, he is married to that prostitute. That marriage is like a career death sentence because he could have married the daughter of some half-famous cleric and somehow went up the ranks of constitutionalized religion in Iran, but he doesn't. He believes in Islam and doesn't use it for gaining social or economic power.
If you don't understand what does it mean to be a prostitute, I have an example: A few years ago watching some documentaries on the topic, I heard this statement from a former prostitute that she felt like her vagina is a public toilet. I guess, if you're emotionally healthy hearing a statement like this, then it's reasonable to throw up when thinking about a young cleric man marrying such a woman. But so he does. And while the movies aren't popular in Iran, the kid me couldn't help but find it soul-touching.
The reason I can resonate with the movie is an untold aspect of that story. Stopping being a prostitute is not easy. In fact, it's quite impossible. If you're older than twenty years old, here is the reason –otherwise, please don't read the following sentence, cuz it will give you wrong ideas–: Ask yourself why did you lose your virginity before marriage? You see, not having sex is not easy, so you have to understand how hard it is for someone who has come to accept it as her only mean of participation in social life.
So, back then even though I didn't saw the similarity between us and "V for Vendetta", I wasn't all too depressed that S---- was suddenly doubtful about the sincerity of my affection for her. In fact, it seemed like a perfect moment to propose to her.
Sometimes you can't rent a castle and change all the clothing to scarlet and arrange a surprise birthday party for the woman you're in love with so that by the end of you can surprise her with the proposal.
Those days were around my birthday and the fact that she was thinking I'm insincere with how I feel about her, made it at all more a perfect surprise to ask her to marry me, more than everything because a woman who can forgive you having hurt her in a way that she mistrusted all your words and intentions, is the woman that I won't regret or resent her afterward, because the marriage was too easy.
Maybe "too easy" is not the right term, what I'm trying to say, is that it has taken me years to move away from being unable to even think about the idea of having sex with someone and breaking into tears or disassociation, and today that I can imagine touching someone's lips and not hating her for the rest of our lives.
I know, women who are today around me aren't the individuals who molested and raped me in childhood, and it's unfair to punish them for other people's crime, but at the same time, the much I have overcome from erotic trauma has been one of the most brutal experiences in my life, and I don't believe many people ever work on something that hard. Just to give you an example, quite recently going through my todo list, I realized I have been working on one single aspect of erotic trauma-related stuff, one single extremely extremely isolated aspect of it and just for one single visible improvement for over a year and that for at least few hours every week and each time with extreme emotional pain, tears and total psychological break down. And that's just one single isolated aspect and not total recovery but one single step improvement. And it has taken me about two years to have reached enough improvements to mark that task as done.
"I have worked this hard to win back erotic aspects of my life, and you?" the chain of thoughts in my head goes on ... How could a woman expect me to love her when she has done nothing even remotely similar.
I wish to appreciate women who wear makeup on a date ... I wish to appreciate women who flirt when they sincerely like you ... I wish to appreciate ... all these things are amazing about women, but you have to understand if you wear the latest make-up and the latest Prada bag and expect me to return the favor with owning the latest Benz, it's just not going to work, not for me. I wanted to kill myself anyway, not because women like this didn't exist in my environment or sports cars have suddenly been banned from me, but I wanted to kill myself anyway, and a life with this stuff was as ambivalent as a life with them.
Healing from erotic trauma isn't easy, and maybe other survivors have lots of supports, but extremely, unfortunately, so far I did it mostly by myself –by the Lord's leave– and so, now it's just too late. It's too late to expect me to fall in love with you after a normal exchange; a couple of glasses of wine and a night in bed, or a whatever.
I have done a lot of works, and I'm not all healed from erotic trauma yet, but you have done nothing comparable.
I don't think love is a social contract, but for love to function properly, it is important that both individuals maintain a balance, not that one of them has put in tons and tons of efforts to make that relationship work and the other one nothing comparable.
So, a little drama and a little surprise are extremely necessary; That moment and that hard feelings for me in S----'s judgment seemed like the perfect amount of drama. It was an impressively imperfect moment if we were two ordinary people proposing to each other, but that is what makes it perfect for us. If she wanted to be my wife, that amount of change of attitudes and judgment after a few hours of conversation and the faith and trust to say yes to a man whom she barely knows, seemed enough contribution on her side to fulfill the minimum requirement of drama ...
Some people who come from horrible childhoods search for normalcy in their romantic partners, stereotypical representation of this is in the romantic partner Phoebe from Friends chooses as her husband:
and in total contrast to my expectations, she actually agrees with the most foreseeable proposal ritual:
But what was lacking in my childhood wasn't normalcy from an observer's perspective; I was raped, and I was totally silent and cool about it for plenty of years. And I can't anymore. There is so much repressed anger, hurt, harm, damage that I can't live a normal life anymore. And that's why I can't be together with a woman who shies away from drama in her private life. I can't have that life anymore. It's too late.
Some women think I'm just rationalizing why S---- and I didn't end up together, but believe it or not, I really mean it. Even if you could seduce me in marrying you, or worse just having sex and calling each other boy-girlfriends, even then I will tell you:
"I will regret this forever. I will hate you forever."
and women usually think, they shouldn't take you seriously, because, after all, they are beautiful and you need a wife, but the truth is, it's not going to be like the movies when I say "I'll regret this forever":
S---- never experienced me proposing to her, because, perhaps neither of us was prepared to protect our relationship from outsider's intervention. By "our relationship", I don't mean a romantic relationship, the word-choice is to emphasize the privacy regarding the choice of one's spouse. Unless one is mentally disabled to make such decisions, "friends" who intervene in this process without any justification other than advancing their own desires, aren't "friends" but "enemies".
May the Lord protect every lovers from such assholes ...
Why my brain's primary response was disassociation?
When masters improvise a piece of art, it may be of good quality but how could a yesterday's child whose experience of family is a one he didn't like and never wished to belong to, so much so, that he stopped using his family name since the very first times he published his writings online under his own name, until years later (quite recently) picked the pen-name "Scrappy Nobody", how could such individual be capable of going after initiating a family? Having the sheer vision for it would be impossible for such person!
Writing these sentence for the first time ever since that moment of discovery, I realize why I'm endlessly daunted by this vision. I've no idea about any details of it, impossibly so for how to actually aim at realizing it ...
My deep-rooted mistrust in my inability to figure things out on the go and somehow be successful at the end following my own dreams, is actually not only a mere mental construct, but perhaps the constant belief of worthlessness, combined with lack of support had been enough to shut off the fire of following my visions from my will:
All my teens I never dared to live with the awareness about my own wishes, hopes, dreams and visions; I was so convinced by the environment that they are impossible, wrong and unworthy, that literally most of my teenager years and later adulthood was spent in the hopes that someday, someone will come into my life and rescue me from it, that someday, finally my hero would break me free of all these impossibilities imposed on me.
Now, when I look at life, I see individuals who had achieved things similar to what I wished to do but never attempted, some even at much much much younger ages than me today.
Now, looking back, I could say, a better way of reacting to my environment in childhood would have been if I had the courage of Maisie in "What Maisie Knew".
The courage to see that H. R. and S. S. aren't the people who love me, rather have long abandoned me emotionally, that by believing their beliefs about who I am and what I'm capable of, what I should feel inspired and what I should aim for, I'm only building up a prison for myself inside my brain, separating my self of who I am and ought to be.
The danger of having false assumptions about who you are, your qualities, strengths and weaknesses is double-fold: not only you engage in things that aren't the most satisfying nor the most fruit-bearing for you, but also you'll damage, or at least delay, your own development. What you are being born with is only half of the story, the other half, the more important part is that the life you live, what you do with your time and achieve with your efforts and how those around you and the society reacts is crucial to whether those inborn qualities can be later taken advantage of in adulthood or not. If we used Abraham Maslow's terminology, whether you self-actualize depends not as much on your inborn qualities but the life you lived after you were born.
If my childhood and teen years were spent in the pointless hope of being rescued of my life one day, early years of adulthood arriving at the realization that I'm not a child anymore and nobody cares about me and my well-being other than myself, especially after A. S. left Berlin in the manner she did, instead of looking for support, friendship and healthy attachment elsewhere, I began to automatically avoid all possibilities of such circumstances; For one, because it would bring up painful memories of being abandoned by A. S. without having any satisfying explanation as to why, for the other because I wasn't someone who thought of suicide and self-harm on a temporary rise of anger or disappointment. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with death for in past six or seven years, so much so, that I never took friendships seriously, and avoided attachments growing stronger, because it is easier to leave when you are sure nobody will miss you ...
Elsewhere, on the topic of "noble cause" I have asserted that loving someone can't be "the noble cause" for someone, but I do believe that living a fulfilling family life can indeed be considered one of one's many noble cause(s) in life. Though I could never associate it as one of my noble causes, that love at the first sight intuition and the realization about the underlying reason behind my heart's endless affection for her, I don't need any more intellectual reasoning to accept that if I was the man she loved and we were indeed suitable for each other as spouse, co-founding a family would have a manifestation of following my noble cause, hopefully hers too ...
The closer a goal to one's heart, the more debilitating the prospect of failing to achieve it. Perhaps adding into that mix my inability to consider myself a human being who like others is capable of rising from defeats and achieving success better than anticipated before, "disassociation" was the only soothing mechanism left for me. In retrospect, the bear minimum escape from being lost in debilitating fear was to ask the Lord for personal growth, guidance and support, and to eventually seek His answer by reaching out to true friends, and advisors;
So, if two years lost time is not already beyond too late, I ask the Lord's mercy ...
False perception of true love
Whenever I think of my style of isolation from social interaction, I reminded of the Beast from the "beauty and the beast", in the past I thought it resembles too much to my life, but now I think the ending sounds too good to me to ever becoming true in my life.
S---- resembles the youngest and most beautiful daughter of the merchant who exchanges herself for her father's punishment in the Beast's prison, and my avoidance of the public and social interaction is similar to the Beast locking up himself in a castle and avoiding all interactions with outside world; and perhaps loving and being loved sounds like the only way to break the curse in my life too; but as said, I think the ending is too good to come true about my life.
The Beast had boundless success and wealth at his feet, and if that not being enough to steal any woman's heart, there is the prince like alter who would appear in the dreams of the Beauty and suggest her:
Love who loves you ! Be not misled by appearances
Alas, I encouraged S---- to a totally opposite-sounding suggestion compared to the first half. Partly, because that was how I was living my life ... sort of ... a little bit ... and partly, because even though I understand, it sounds reasonable to tell someone indirectly "love me cause I love you," but I wished to be loved by S---- for who I am. I wished it be her heart that discovers love for me, so I didn't stop asking her: "love the person you love," "listen to your heart," and similar suggestions, even with the visible signs that there might be other boys and men that she could feel attracted to ...
Now, looking back at my regret respecting not emulating Maisie, my conclusion is that the Beast's alter's advice is perhaps close to what is the right way to live, not only the first part of it, but the second half as well; Especially as S---- was so filled with prejudice against Muslims in her upbringings ... Maybe not as much as some others, or maybe she is too smart to be blindsided by her upbringing's influence forever –by the Lord's leave.
H. R. and S. S. would perhaps even swear that they loved me, even point to many of their harmful and damaging behaviors as an indicator of their love for me, but I believe the line from Gabrielle de Villeneuve's "Beauty and the Beast" does actually eliminates the possibility of such abuses. There is a huge difference between individuals who try to influence your definition of "love" so that their behavior and their actions and especially their mistakes become "indicator of love" and those who strive to get to know you more, to be more with you, to learn how to love you. The Beast is an example of the latter, and the Beauty is an example of a girl grown up within a household that had made her mistook emotional manipulation and abuse for love. The tale, the original edition and not the revised and redacted versions, is actually a tale of the transformation of both these individuals. The Beauty gives up the premise of the false love of her siblings, which she had mistaken for real love and takes the leap of faith by trusting a not really comfortable interaction as an example of real love.
If you have grown up in such households stories like these aren't that unfamiliar. We tend to push away those who treat us differently, though differently might only mean we are experiencing being loved for the first time in our lives. One of explaining reactions like these is with the notion "cognitive dissonance." A child that gets mistreat develops a sense of self that allows such mistreatments and considers them as how he or she deserves to be treated, and as soon as those deeply and unconsciously formed beliefs are challenged, the individual instead of facing his or her past and grieving about the abuse he or she has suffered, he or she begins acting out and pushing back. The movie "Good Will Hunting" among many other issues, exceptionally features this theme:
So, real love isn't always a happy-ending from the beginning and the only source of drama being the external circumstance or one's past romantic relationships that haven't been closed yet. Real love can feel extremely discomforting.
Though the suffering visible in the individuals with emotionally damaging childhood exposed to being really loved is similar to the suffering visible in an individual in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship, one shouldn't mistake one for the other.
I'm not sure, whether I'm ready to "love who loves" me, but if that individual was S---- I don't think my heart would leave me in peace until I have overcome such challenges – if Allah wills.
Long overdue measure
I'm not used to exerting myself in realizing my visions; To be honest, I always imagined it to be possible in the back of my mind, so much so, that I forced myself to vow in public:
I'm not going to deprive my abilities to be acted upon only because in my eyes it is not going to silence a stomach
I'm not going to deprive my feelings of being acted upon only because in my eyes I'm too old, or any other social convention
But what use might be such vows, or maybe, I've already failed to keep on my promises to my self, and that's why where I'm, where I'm right now ...
Thought these vows are more than a year and a half old, and the second one in part motivated by the realization that maybe S---- isn't as old as I first presupposed her to be, there is a still not a single indication of hope in looking forward in my life in them, by contrast, they are merely aimed at inhibiting myself from avoid to acknowledge my passions, –if Allah wills.
In retrospect, exchanging "my feelings of being acted upon" with "building a family" isn't all that a mysterious evolution.
To most people, starting a family comes as natural as attending the school as they are a kid or attending a university or taking a job as they grew older, but somehow, "family" wasn't something I could have my peace of mind with, even though it seems like the bare minimum in order to have some peace of heart. And a shattered soul to function properly, peace of heart is invaluable.
But it is not just "functioning properly," that is my motivation. To talk about what is the motivation behind such natural activity, common in all animals, is quite odd. Perhaps to us, as intelligent beings, it should have been more than just natural. But somehow the intelligent part in me had kept me back from following the prescribed path of nature. Once upon a time I was looking back at all the movies I have watched and all the books I have read in regard of how the family in them looked like, and only a tiny percentage of them contained the portray of a family that looked somewhat emotionally healthy. Yet, there were plenty of characters I have admired or resonated with, nearly all of them were suicidal, physically abused in childhood, or raped, and most them even till the end of the story didn't find the silver-lining of attachment. It made me feel like all my life I have been taking examples from false role-models.
I have to make another exception though: "Moonrise Kingdom"
A suggestion of A. S. In fact, all the things I know about how to show attachment and affection to someone is from A. S., and that's while we spent just about three months together and mostly as pure friends, and in the beginning as total strangers.
I had totally forgotten this film, until writing this article and referring a wrong film in an earlier draft reminded me that I have mixed "Restless" with "Moonrise Kingdom". While the movie is a masterpiece in many aspects, there is a certain wisdom in the movie that I totally dismissed. The only reason the two young adults in the movie do end up marrying each other is that they actively stand against their parents, the society and the false perception that others have forced upon them about who they are. I made a grave mistake of loving and trying to marry S---- while at the same time believing none of those three would stand between the present and a future that consists of S---- and I having a fulfilling love within the boundaries of our family.
Just as with S---- and I, .... and ... are the only two individuals in that movie who marry the person they love, the rest of adults in the movie are lying to themselves, or don't dare to pursue a romantic relationship. And as much as in the beginning, almost everyone is against their marriage, at least by the end of it, a lot of their peers in the same age group, though themselves don't even think of marriage, do support their endeavor for marrying and living their rest of lives together. That's another beauty I had forgotten. I never told anyone those magical three words: "I love S----." So, maybe I'm also in part to blame for not speaking out my truth ... but from my past experiences, each time I had spoken my truth other have taken it as a joke and loving S--- is not something that I can forgive someone for laughing at me when they hear it. But at the same time, I'm comfortable hitting people in the face and there is so much anger in me about being raped and the wish to kill those who raped me, that I kind of feared if I just allow someone to become the target of my violence, I may as well lose control and kill him or her instead of those rapist(s) ...
By thanks the Lord, I'm finally much more healed that in the past, so, may the Lord help us to defend and stand up for our love in appropriate ways, with justifiable degree of violence, or lack of it ...
Bitter ending reflection
The many months it took to finish this piece, among many other things, I also had a change of perspective on human's need for attachment. It took me a long while to accept that the characters of "Into the Wild" and "Trust" one way or the other commit suicide as a side-effect of their inability to connect to another human being, in their cases a much younger woman. But "Grizzly Man", thanks to the God, awakened me that it is not a girlfriend that could have rescued those individuals, it is a real connection with all that belongs to it. A family in isolation from the society of other families and individuals runs an extremely high risk of extinction, and so was the fate of the half-hearted family of Timothy Treadwell.
The writing above however may seem to indicate otherwise. I don't mean about the realization I described, but regarding whether I was ready to co-found a family with S---- those many days ago when we first met ... I believe it couldn't be more wrong. Sure, had you asked me, I would have sincerely responded nonsensical statement regarding what is family and how you start a family with a woman and what S---- and I are going to do, not because I was conning man who wished to walk away from realizing S----'s happiness as her husband, but because perhaps I wasn't instantly ready. But life isn't about instant readiness. Life is full of actions that can't be justified in advance by any rational cause other than "leap of faith." However, "leap of faith," is another way of acknowledging the gifts of the God to the mankind that enables him or her to grow while not knowing what growth is, how to do, or even why he does it. Take for example an infant who learns his or her mother tongue. That infant can't aspire to become a great novelist, while he or she may one day become one, but he or she does so and strives to do so, because there is this organic urge to connect in more meaningful ways with the primary caretaker, and in the presence of that connection and through the interactions with the environment and specifically the primary caretaker, the child actually develops a sense of identity, as well.
All that is written above make my life looks like that of someone who lacks some fundamental development milestones, not about growing from a boy into a man, but deeper and more human and gender-neutral in nature. And perhaps a true connection has always been absent in my life. S----, as a mother is to a child and learning a language a tool for more meaningful connection, S---- is the individual I wished to connect with and co-founding a family seemed like an ideal of more meaningful connection and all the realizations that this text told their accounts seems like words from the mother tongue of that infant. While S---- and I did not have enough exchanges for enough long time to be called lovers, I indeed love(d) her enough to strive for the kind of connection, though not really understanding what it is, not even being able to call a name for it and searching a year and half after the label as to what is it that my heart wants me or her or us to have that it asks me to be passionate about her without end ...
The mother and infant allegory isn't that unrelated to the underlying development milestones this article talked about, especially as in the past I referred to how H. R. and S. S. interacted with as "taking the air to breathe" away from me, in S----'s presence I sincerely, literally felt like being able to breathe once again, but it seems all too late ...
Especially others' intervention and perhaps our lack of protection too, totally destroyed all the hope of co-founding a family with S----. People ruined my image in her eyes and encouraged her to actions that had we had any romantic commitment to one another, would have made her disloyalty a never-forgivable crime against love ...
The tragic attitude
With all which was said, there still remains a lot untold about how did it come that I never felt any enthusiasm to grow up into a man, someone who can be the other half in co-founding a family with a woman. But growing into a man is perhaps my physiological destiny, and though I understand how more comfortable it could be to rationalize it by subscribing oneself as homosexual, or transgender, I rather embrace the reality that growing up I felt like "being deprived of air to breathe." Now, having a faint understanding of this fundamental and existential vision, away of the prison I inherited from the non-existing faked unconditional love(s) in my past, moments of even imagining walking in that direction, feels like breathing once again ... then again, alas, it seems too late ...
I don't have a memory of how does it feel to breath other than the moments striving in the hope that I could build a family with S---- one day, but perhaps, had I been aware of how does it feel, I would have not wasted as much time as I have, nor fall by my own short-comings, nor lost the opportunities to suicide-fixation and extreme hopelessness ... For two years I was puzzled as to why it in S----'s presence and awareness of her existence that I feel the need to live, but now that it all makes sense, undoing her judgment, going back in time and avoiding the humiliation in front of her by my feelings being ridiculously portrayed as rape motives, it all feels too tragic to ever build a family being a temporary house and a manifestation of loving each other forever ...
S----, I had always been obsessed with suicide, perhaps around the times we first met, more visibly than I typically am. Most men struggle and fight to preserve their lives, it is even thought of as a biological instinct, but life seemed the first things I wish to say goodbye to in every moment of my life, especially during certain previous years. But S----, I don't whether it is you, or being loved by you, or me loving you and you allowing me to, but perhaps the both three of these things together was and are what life is considered to be for human beings. They made me need to love. S----, like the life you made me need/want/wish/desire to live. But endlessly, endlessly, endlessly unfortunately, just like life that doesn't treat people the same all the time, that is full of pain as much as it is full of happiness and that it departs most people while they still wished to live longer, the same lack of loyalty that life has to human beings ... you were similarly loyal to me ...
S----, I never wished to worship you like a goddess, and I don't think this comparison with the life is one that can allow us to connect with each other as human beings. Sure being the life to someone means more than most human beings can ever achieve in their lives but that's not necessarily a good thing for human beings to be, at least, it is certainly not romantic. Because there is no [temporary] love without [temporary] loyalty.
I know plenty successful men and women who remarried after the death of their first spouse in the same happy marriage as the one before, or maybe even more, but there is a beauty in being the love of someone that can't be compensated for by success. Loving someone means to be loving each other and only each other. Of course, humans love many things, beings, and creatures all at the same time, but there is a beauty in a certain kind of romantic love being persevered between two particular individuals without anyone else ever having the same share with one of them. We weren't born together, we weren't each other's first persons we felt or believed ourselves to feel something romantic about but if it was my wish, I rather asked the God to die with each other and while still loving each other, perhaps with the same unimaginable intensity as always ...
Endnotes & References
This piece was supposed to be published way sooner, a week or two after the article that triggered the content of this text, but it was so hard for me to face all these aspects of my life even if only in thoughts, not to mention, putting them on [digital] papers. I hope it is not too late for you to read it for the first time, if it is, maybe you should also acknowledge your own role in it. As an author, an indie [wish to be] non-profit's internal gazette, we depend on our readership's support, validation, purchases, and so on and so forth; and as a human being, I can't function too perfectly being left alone, maybe one or the other form of support and encouragement on your side, would have been invaluable to have the courage to sit with all these unimaginable emotions and feelings evoked while writing this piece and walk through the pain, and reach the light at the end of the tunnel, some seasons earlier and with far less bleedings and wounds ...
As explained before, as this article appears to be already beyond too late, the main body of the text is going to be published in advance and appendices will be added when each is finished, if Allah wills.
Works with direct reference in the text
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Tesla, Nikola. "Mr. Tesla Explains Why He Will Never Marry." Galveston Daily News August 10, 1924: page 23. Galveston, Texas. | Clark, Nanette South. “Nikola Tesla - ‘Mr. Tesla Explains Why He Will Never Marry.’” An Engineer's Aspect, 18 July 2011, http://anengineersaspect.blogspot.com/2011/07/nikola-tesla-mr-tesla-explains-why-he.html.
"The One with Phoebe's Wedding." Friends, Season 10, Episode 12. Created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, Perf. Lisa Kudrow, et al. Warner Brothers, 2003.
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Not every work I wished to include or reference could be found later on ...
Works used without any direct reference in the text
- E! Red Carpet & Award Shows. “Trevor Noah Explains Why He Was ‘Born a Crime’ | E! Red Carpet & Award Shows.” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Nov. 2016, www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-rMcDbcOuI.
Internal works not referenced
- Scrappy Nobody. “You Can Only Continue Things from Where You Left Them Last Time ...” Lost Way-out & Hope, IndiePen, 12 Aug. 2018, https://indiepen.xyz/lwh/5/.
Works I didn't have direct access to
- Aron, Elaine. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. Harmony Books, 2016.
Culture in India | based on personal experience of growing up about three years in India and all the additional experiences and exchanges that comes with such event ...