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The love me and A. S. never lived out …

I like the idea of "living this life like I've got nothing to hide". It's more than three years ever since, maybe a public review of my private life back then would be in that direction and maybe my opinion about the events would help you in similar conditions ...
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These days and these weeks have been really a tremendous amount of reflection and rethinking about me, A. S., love and all the other issues, and like always I have received guidance from where I would have never looked for guidance and I received help from where I would have never even tried. I saw movies, which I would have otherwise never watched and these happened without my intervention …

I have discovered very beautiful things about love, about living in general and even more about myself. The very mistaken Idea that „I know something“ that „I am able to evaluate the situation“. Even though it is right that we have given the gift to make decisions and to recognize what is wrong and what is wrong, it is also very vital to understand that we are not Allah. We don’t know everything. Our understanding, our evaluation capacity from the world and all these are really very very very limited. Our hearts are the gifts from Allah, that we know we really love someone, is not something we can evaluate with rational judgment. Now I know, I have made lots of mistakes and …

The problem was our situation was beyond my minds former experiences and knowledge to understand how to find any solution for us. I knew that this is the woman I love, I would have asked myself hundred times a day „would you like to marry me?“ and I didn’t even let her know, how beautiful she is my eyes, cause my mind was „if I let her know this, she will stay with me and I can not be like his boyfriend, I cannot provide her the life, she already has with her boyfriend, so I should better try to get them together.“ and because I know the story of the prophet and Zeyd’s wife, I thought, okay what he did wrong was trying to keep them together, so I am not going to do his mistake, so I don’t try to keep the together but I won’t let her know I love her.

One of the main problems was that I thought or better said unconsciously I believed, I know the situation. I know that I will never be a possible caring husband for her, that her boyfriend, has the same feelings as I do for her, cause I was like, I can’t imagine a second of my life without this woman, how could it be that his boyfriend feels anything less than this, but the life provide me one after another how wrong I was with my opinions. How wrong I was with my evaluations from the situation. How wrong I was with myself, that I can never be materially to any use to anyone, never mind that I would be able to pay the life of two young persons. I was so wrong and yet I thought …

The other part of why I didn’t made any attempts and rather hold myself back was my fear from everyone and anything. That if I say „I love her“, our friends, would think I am ………, my parents would think ………… It was an unconscious fear, which I had no idea of its existence till long while afterwards. It turns out these fears weren’t so wrong. All those friends turned their backs to me, unless one. My parents didn’t talk with me ever again about whether I am might be interested to start a relationship with anyone for about a year, till … These were extremely hard conditions and really hurt me, a lot, but the other side of facts was that all these fears weren’t really what I should have feared. I should have feared Allah. I should have feared knowing the person I love and spending time with her and avoiding to let her know, every second with her are likely the best moments of my life. I should have feared not to live honestly. Not that if I let us come together these people will turn their backs to us.

Yes, people times to times turn their back to you. They have their own expectations, their own wishes, their own dreams about who you should be, whom you should love, whom you should have a relationship with and whom you shouldn’t and if you don’t obey these, they will get mad at you, try their work to get you down or whatever they might do, but a very serious theme in Islam is about having trust in Allah. That instead of fearing people and their reaction, fearing Allah and that if you do wrong things, none could rescue you from His punishment, but if anyone else wants to harm you and you are one of His men, He is able to provide you way outs or guidance or whatever which would be best for you. To accept and live the life that He knows me and the world but I don’t know either of them. To understand and live the life that if He put this extreme desire and emotional satisfaction with this ONE Woman in my life, instead of turning myself away, cause it is an uneasy situation, or that we are different, or that I believe it is not going to work, or that I fear the reaction of other people towards us and our love, to close your eyes to all these and put your trust in Him and know, when you need His help, He is there for you.

You know, Moses headed with all those children of Israel towards Neil, with no former knowledge that Allah will say Him to put His cane in water and that it will let children of Israel pass through the Neil’s bed and the Pharaoh and his army to get destroyed. It is impossible to imagine that you take a dozen of people with yourself and head to Neil when every child would realize that by the time you reach the Neil, it would just be a matter of time till you are back in the Pharaoh’s power, and if he doesn’t kill all you, you will face a desperate punishment from him and all his supporters.

From all the people who contributed to our relationship not working, I think I share the greatest portion of mistakes, if not all of it. I tried to push everything I could to reverse what has happened but I was and perhaps I am still very immature and I failed each time and perhaps I would have always failed, if I tried more … perhaps I can never change the things that happened. Just close your eyes on my mistakes, please. Forgive me, please.

I think another behavior which contributed to our relationship never working, to us be best friends instead of lovers, was the art of our communication. Never we really address the matters which was really important to us. Like, me and A. S. knowing each other very inevitably in and out, and what we did in regard of relationship, was that we diplomatically passed aside all the important matters to one another, we would simply don’t answer each other questions, ignore the reality that such question was asked, such feeling was there and presence, such thoughts was in our minds and talk about other things. We had an art of conversation through silence, but at the end, it didn’t really worked, as it should have …

I think a great portion of communication should enable two similar souls to grow but we would always redirect the conversation to other issues, like „I have a boyfriend“ or that but „this is your religion …“ perhaps we were too young to know how to communicate with one another and two lonely to have any wise family member, or friend, who would bring up the thoughts in our minds and force us to speak up …

A. S. even if you today you ask me, I would say, „I love you“. I couldn’t imagine that you might have made your mind consciously to be with someone else than me.

No, I don’t sorrow losing your love to another man. I knew that people think like this about us. I know some of the things people think about me. A. S. what hurts me and what all those days I hardly tried to reserve was to letting you know that „I love you“ that it does matter me a great deal whether „you put your lips on mine or not“. It matters cause I love you, it matters cause you love me, it matters cause we are who we are, not that I am a man and you are a woman and there a sexual affection between us. [Even if these people were blind, they could realize that sexual affection comes as soon as it leaves and there was no reason for me not be with someone else, if I didn’t love you. But you know A. S. people who have traded „love“ in their lives, become blind to „love“ between other people]

A. S. what mattered to me was the great wrongdoing that you and me loving each other and being apart, but it looks like that this wrongdoing is a decision you feel comfortable in it, that you don’t wish to change in your life.

A. S. I told you and I would tell you every other time again, this decision is totally wrong, no matter what justification [unless we really never loved each other and then it is a different story … but you and I know that it is not the case …]

A. S. I feel hurt by this wrongdoing and I hope Allah make another woman for me … I feel wronged in your hard-headedness in not apologizing for your wrong decisions and changing the path you had chosen, and I don’t see any resolve for my soul but to hope Allah make me another soul …

A. S. I still struggle with the wish to leave this world and all its concerns behind myself, when the person who doesn’t love anyone else than you, make a relationship with someone she doesn’t love …

I hope Allah make a resolve in this situation.

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  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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