To not see this reminder again
First after I met A. S., and part of myself wanted to appear very beautiful to her, that I become aware, I can’t tell that I never slept with a girl. I can’t just say I never kissed a girl, not ever I desired to do so.
It was very hard for me. Especially that night when A. S., I and that close friend of us sit together, having an intimate conversation, I don’t know why, I just said: „but you have so many boyfriends“ and she couldn’t stop laughing at me, even though she was a bit upset, okay, she was thirty-something and it is natural that you might have more than three boyfriends in our times but I just said so, then after she finished her story, she asked me, if she had so many boyfriends, how many girls do I have slept with. And I was all shame because I didn’t want to say none. Because I was aware that women like to have a relationship with someone that know how to have sex, and I just said nothing and they both tried to think that I have already had so many relationships and one night stands and I am so secretive that I don’t want to tell them about it.
I never considered myself as a loser. I never thought of anyone as a loser. The concept of such a thing as loser was so new to me. I learned it first from Victorious, a series for young adults on Nickelodeon, when I was trying to improve my German. To me, sexual relationship was part of marriage, and marriage was that kind of thing that you try to have, when you meet the person you love and to me meeting the person you love is arranged by God and neither by hard work or being attractive or being sexy or whatever …
Knowing A. S. and wanting to tell her the answer to that question and to show her that I don’t hide anything from her, made me feel confused with myself. Because I knew, people think about me, that I already have had sex or at least kissed a woman and that everybody else at my age had already done this, even those very unlucky unattractive guys, but I never did so, and I could never even imagine being close to someone’s body. The first time I did tried to imagine being so close to someone’s body, it was because of A. S. and for A. S. but that was first two years after I met her and we get to knew each other.
So I just thought with myself that when so many boys being able to sleep with a woman, with a girl and at the end of the day, I am alone, I just thought nobody loves me.
Since A. S. Left the city, where I was staying back then, so many people asked me, if there is a girl in my life, but A. S. was the whole time that I knew her, in a relationship with someone else and I couldn’t think of loving someone else, so my response remained the same since years, and the reaction of my friends has in one way or another being an attempt to say me, that I should slowly have a relationship myself, too.
These direct and indirect clues and responses of people who knew about my love and sexual life, at a point made me believe, being able to make a woman naked in bed would be something in love, that I should have had been able to and I began to think of myself as if it is a very vital issue in life, which I can never success in it.
Slowly I began to look for how do other have a relationship with each other, what do they do that they end up being in a relationship with someone that I don’t do.
Then I realized that the reality is a not exactly how others claim it to be …
Lots of these people who sleep with each other every night, don’t love each other. They just make it. Just fake for themselves and the society that they are in love with each other.
So many people in relationships who still try to keep someone from other sex as their casual friends, just for the reserve that it might be the real love.
Or as Ellen Vrana puts it:
Perhaps the deepest fear of adolescents is that we won’t matter, we won’t be seen once we grow up and leave.
And for some people, that feel, that fear, never leaves. Our world is chock-full of people who will do anything to matter. Relationships start young and get serious so fast. Social media, selfies. People need a noble cause to their life, and if they can’t have a noble cause, they’ll settle for an audience. Sometimes mistaking that audience for a noble cause.
So many movies are made for people who don’t have love in their relationship, not for the people who are in a fully loving relationship.
It was a moment of enlightenment but the sort of enlightenment when the lights go on and you realize you are deep in sludge!
Instead of encouraging ourselves and each other to build relationships with the individuals we love, we try to force each other to build a seemingly well-functioning relationship, which in most cases is with the person you don’t love, cause building a relationship with the person you love is not always that much possible at first glance …
Love happens with the person we least expect, in the moments we are not prepared, and sometimes no one from our family and friend and even the society cares whether we love someone or not but rather what counts for others is whether we are in a relationship or not …
Maybe the reason of such widely spread misfortunes in our societies is the meaning of following lusts and desires and joys of this world. Cause the joy of being naked for someone accessible, even though when you don’t love each other, is far desirable than going through all the difficulties in building a relationship with the person you truly love …
But to me being in a relationship with someone you don’t love, just because you are more accessible for each other than the person you truly love, is just a joke, like the joke of people who make a start-up to later come up with an idea or the joke of businessmen and women, who try to come up with a vision statement to cover their greedy needs of making money or the joke of politician who don’t have any idea about governing a nation but want to be in power.
The world is full of such people. and full of people who are not like them but being circled by those people force them to give up on themselves and pretend that they also are one of those people.
We tend to believe that somehow someday some magical events will take place and guide us in the hands of the person we really love, we tend to believe that if we truly love someone, we will end up together, but we don’t think that we also need to take some steps towards being with the person we truly love. We tend to hand all the duties and responsibilities to God, to an invisible power, like the joke in the business that the free market is the economical system, which will lead greedy business behaviors to be in favor of the greater good. But the moment we decide to give up our own responsibility to a [presumably] greater existence, power, or system, we are just buying the failure in advance. God guides people with good acts toward success, not every individual who don’t make the slightest efforts toward something good but who longingly awaits this superficial power to make a change in his or her life. I am not talking about religious people, even atheists, who thinks of themselves that they don’t believe in senseless supernatural existences as God, might tell you time will cure the pains. Instead of believing that God will guide them and their beloved one together, they will tell themselves that future is somehow going to be different, so maybe someday in the future ...
The future won’t take our responsibilities from us, about actively trying to be with the person we truly love each other.
Or in worse cases, we try to justify for ourselves why we are not together with the person we love and as you can guess, in these justifications we don’t look for real reasons behind the condition in which we and our beloved one are not together but rather we lie to ourselves and each other. We try to change the definition of love or try to convince ourselves that if we tried to be with the person we loved, evil would happen and the world would have gone out of order …
There is really nothing better which can do, in order to be with the one we truly love, than not beginning a relationship with someone we don’t love [for whatever reasonable arguments for others, as long as we don’t truly love them]. That the only good things we might do to ourselves, to the persons with whom we are currently in a relationship and to the person who we know, we love him/her and we never even tried to start a relationship with each other, is to end our current relationships with all the people we don’t love and dare greatly and try to build our lives with the one we truly love.
Nothing can fill the place of love in someone’s life, and if you are not born to love someone, you are not going to love them anyway ever after, even if all your friends and family members and parents and best friends believes what a wonderful loving couple you and your partner are, somewhere deep in your heart, the truth is written loud and clear: „you love someone else“.
As soon as we are required to take uneasy steps, we expect immediate good results, but the reality is that being with the person you truly love might take a lot of time, lots of efforts, and more tears than you ever thought you might cry during your entire life … Cause maybe you are not ready to accept being loved by someone, maybe your beloved person is also not ready for that and the process of becoming ready for accepting someone’s life, like any other dramatic change in our lives, being faced with the situation that there is a stranger person who cares for you more than he/she cares for the rest of the world and don’t require any rewards from you, is not as easy. If you have once been betrayed in your life, it could be impossible to change your inside psyche that there is someone who loves you, for you
There is not a thing like a guarantee, to ensure you if you take this step or that step, you do this or that, you are going to end up in a loving relationship with the person you truly love. We can’t really have a guarantee for anything in life … but what do you want to do instead? Accepting a relationship with someone you don’t really love, just because there was no one to guarantee you, you are going to meet the person, who really loves you, or that there was no one to tell you that this boy/girl which you day and night thinks of him/her is also really interested in you but don’t know how to show is his/her interest, or he/she him/herself is also afraid that you might not like what they do … or who they are … or etc. Do you really wants to await that God meets you in person and ensures you back on white, that this is the person He made you, for loving each other, or in case you don’t believe in God, do you want to wait till he/she really somehow ensures you that they love you, before you accept to have a relationship with them, before you accept to make the first step. Let’s face the reality, the way you get ensured about someone else’s love for you could be a totally different way for the person who truly loves you. Your psyche might unconsciously register a gift as a sign of love and affection while for someone else the same effect would be caused by a compliment while another person does never really think of love and affection if their partner doesn’t kiss or touch them and lots of lots of different examples …
No one can tell you, if you dare greatly and say no to all other people in your life and try actively to start or even build a relationship with the one, you truly love, you are definitively going to be successful in the first step, but I can tell you something, trying and failing is far more desirable than giving up from the beginning and buying a life long unhappy and unlovingly marriage or partnership with someone you don’t love, just because everything looks great for both you to start a relationship with each other at the time.
For people who doesn’t know me intimately, the idea that „nobody loves me“ is just a different way of saying „why me and A. S. are not together?“
Cause all that mattered for me was being together with A. S.
But since the date I promised that I will try to have a relationship with somebody else than A. S., because she chose another man over me, this „why me and A. S. are not together“-question in the back of my mind has changed to „why nobody loves me“, because I forbid myself to use „A. S.“ as reference person for such questions.
But to be honest, despite, N. [and Aubrey Plaza] I don’t like to be loved by someone in that way, cause I don’t want to be intimate with somebody else … You can have intimate experiences with whomever you want but I don’t want to sleep with whomever I want. I enjoy sharing my whole life with just one person, more than that is dislikeable for me [as far as I know myself] and I know that I miserably failed in having a relationship with A. S., and I wasn’t much better in letting N. know what does she mean to me …
I hope Allah puts me a way out of these miserable conditions …