To not see this reminder again
I was rarely myself in my life. and I never had that connection with anyone in my life. I can remember this, because from the very early childhood memories that I have from my parents, and I think what I remember is me being 4 years old or something like this, I didn’t felt that attachment to them, I mean, I could have never fully trusted them about myself, and then you were in my life and you were the first and the only person that I could ever be with him or her myself and appear as myself and I liked you a lot. I simply liked you even it was the very first time we went out together, I don’t know why, but I liked everything you did, I liked that you were on my side. I have been to museums with other people, I had a classmate in high school who even published articles about Iran’s Archeology or something like this and who was invited to a Russian university for a speech while still in high school but I couldn’t make that connection with him. We talked a bunch of time here and there, I looked at one of his articles but somehow we never even become friends, not a friend like you at that first time we did something together. Honestly, you are not the first woman I have ever met or spent time with but people just don’t understand, that it was never about sex …
You know, I could see that you like to see me happy, I could feel that you enjoy how I am and what I do, even though none of them were any especial and I liked you a lot. Each time you opened up a bit from yourself I liked you more. I have spent time with girl and women before you and after you but nobody is like when you get to know them more, they are those things that you like … You know, I am not against anyone or what they do or did in their lives —generally spoken— but I don’t enjoy them, but I enjoyed that you could have become a ballerina and I had this picture of young you in my mind in a ballet dress being told by her teacher how they future of a ballerina will look like and you were in doubt whether to continue it or not, and I was thinking to myself that I could tell you “you are very beautiful in this way” and “you are very beautiful as you sit beside me, now that you have become an art historian”. I never thought to say “you are beautiful” to any woman on my own, but with you, I had so many small wishes that I never had with any other person. I wished you can be happy always with me.
I am telling this because I want you to know why it was so hard for me to grasp that you indeed never loved me and that normal men are thousands time more sexually active than just wishing to tell you that “you are beautiful”. From what you talked about your boyfriend, I just felt you don’t have that attachment, as you and me to each other. That being ourselves and that liking those insignificant parts of our behavior, our mistakes, our mutual interests … you know, you were afraid to lose your boyfriend and to me, you never presented yourself to him they way you, the real you has been, you always tried to be to him, something that he likes. but you and I liked each other without any effort, even said better, we liked each other, when we didn’t present ourselves different than the way we were.
You know it was extremely hard for me to let you see the real me. my entire life, I have never done that, or maybe since I have been age enough, I have never presented myself, that was why when you asked me “what do I think about Pina’s movie” I couldn’t answer anything because I never told anyone what I think. I always said something different, something censored, I’ve said offensive things too but none of them were me, they were what people expected me. and for you, I wanted to be me. I wanted to let you how I feel because you asked me, but I couldn’t talk about it. imagine a man who never used his legs for 10 years, he won’t be able to run on the first day. People who have a short period of such things after injuries needs a couple of physiotherapy sessions, what if that is most of their life.
That was why I couldn’t let you how I feel. I couldn’t tell you love you. I couldn’t tell you I want to marry you. I couldn’t tell you I want to be your boyfriend.
But I think I was wrong. There have been past events in my life, that has caused me not to have attention to sexuality when it comes to myself in a natural way, and that was why I never saw the sexuality part of your life. I could never grasp the idea that you sleep with someone else. I could never get close to imagine how much that lucky boy that you let his body be inside you, is important for you. I couldn’t see that this is love and not what I feel. It took me a long while to take my way all through the past and present events and be a little more confident in accepting the sexuality part of myself, before that I could never really make that conclusion that I am not that man for you. That there is someone who is much much more important to you. Sexuality doesn’t exist in my life as such and I was blind to it when it comes to the life of people I loved.
I wrote that I cried hours before I wrote that short story about Alice and Hassan, actually I forced myself, otherwise, I was never strong enough to carry it to the end. If it wasn’t that I hoped you may change your mind when you read it, I would have never forced myself so strongly. But it is right, I was pretty stupid enough and still had a long long way to learn about sex, to accept sex in my life. I am sorry that you were a friend to such a shattered personality. I was so blind that I am not the person you love, otherwise, I didn’t like to push you to change your relationship. I like to push people to change their relationship for good, to make changes in their relationship with the person they are currently with them, but I thought, we loved each other, while in fact for you I was just nothing and for me you were the closest relationship I have ever had with a person in my life, yes, and I felt this way because the sexually never existed in my life or better said was in a dark closet after those events.
I know a little about trauma, I can explain you a bit. You know, when the most sensitive way of connection-making to other individuals, which is sexual intimacy is destroyed because of some people misusing your body, your mind simply shuts down that connection-making feature in order to keep the spirit safe. So, that’s why after those events, being with you as a close friend, was like the true love, even though you were sleeping with someone else, because to my mind that way of connection making, that profound level of human intimacy didn’t exist. It is like have a black hole in your mind, when everyone else has a bright star in that place in their mind. So, perhaps how I evaluated my relationship with you, my value for you was totally different than how you saw me, how you wanted this friendship to be, how you wanted us to stand to each other. To me it was love because I could have never imagined being more close to someone and enjoying that closeness and to you have been quite bunch of times far far far more close to people you loved and you couldn’t understand in any way, how do I feel such a harmless acquaintance being love. I am so sorry for being so wrong about human beings.
I am trying to embrace me and my sexuality and … but I was so so so left without any help and I sent you so many letters and messages and etc, on my way to get to understand what was wrong … I am sorry. I wished I had a different adolescence, not because I hope, then if we had met, I could have been able to make you fall in love with me, I mean real love with all the erotic stuff and so on but because I liked you to be the peace for you and be a great friend, I don’t know be something amazing, not somebody who doesn’t understand the difference between love and friendship.