Penumbra

The love me & A. S. never lived out – mutual portion

Introduction All the time we knew each other, I kept all my feelings in secret from her and even months after she left and I decided to let her know how I feel, I always tried to acts within these two limits …
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Introduction

All the time we knew each other, I kept all my feelings in secret from her and even months after she left and I decided to let her know how I feel, I always tried to acts within these two limits:

– The first weeks we knew each other, I more or less thought of her as a friend, even though a strong force in me never wanted to have her as a friend … For me back then, it was something inaccessible to think of someone as something different than a friend. Not that I didn’t know about relationships, but in myself the wish to have a relationship was so much kept in darkness because of some past events … I even tried to initiate a relationship with someone but even that was out of the idea of being to help to her and maybe to my condition but not because I emotionally and bodily was ready or eager to start a relationship, it was rather my judgments solution for a problem which I was observing and later on I realized that the solution was all right, just that the person was wrong. I wasn’t that person for that amazing woman. This time, the only way I could make a sense out of what was going on, was to consider us being best friends, a sense which was more and more encouraged by her too in away and by our other friends too. So, I ended up believing as a best friend, it is important to preserve what is valuable to her, therefore I rarely tried to present myself as someone who loves her, as someone who loves her more than her boyfriend and so on … In all my attempts to let her know how I feel, I wished to be honest about what’s going on in myself and in the same time to make my love expressions as weak as possible, so it would be very easy for her to reject it … Now thinking back I think, I should not have tried to preserve their relationship, when I love her, especially by presenting my love in a way that won’t be attractive to a woman … But I had this false opinion about friendship and trusted so much in what she said, that I took this friendship as the reality and my heart’s longing for her as a fake and stupid mistake from my heart, which needed to be corrected …

– The other limit that I always tried to keep is that to me, she was the closest human being in the world to me and I thought I am the same person to her, so whatever has happened between us, should remain only and only between us, because if you share something with someone they become close to you too. Therefore whenever I seek advice from someone about myself and my feelings, I tried to only tell my part of the story, because I wanted it to be me and A. S. together who tell our mutual part of the story to other people … First it was A. S. who shocked me with the message that „oh, you know for sure that …… reads all these messages too“ and to me, it was like letting another person being between us in my most intimate exchanges with a human being. No, I never knew that. I never even guessed that. I always believed I am the closest person to you in your life, I trusted you when you said „oh, if I would have been accepted, you would be the first person to hear it.“ Yes, I thought you won’t ever say such thing, you say first my boyfriend and then you but your firmness in what you said, made me having nothing to disbelieve you. Perhaps I should have guessed that „beside my boyfriend“ is somewhere secret in that sentence, but to my knowledge back then, I just thought there was no reason that you say such thing, and if you are so firm to make me think you wish to share the important things in your life first with me, okay, I do wish the same and I do *never wish you doing anything else, and it is one of the most beautiful things in my life to hear you saying this. So, that was why for so long, I always had extreme difficulties to talk about you ,your feeling, to protest against people who told me that I am wrong, that „no, do you know she did this … and she did that …. And she did even that … and she … do you think after all these she never loved me?“ no, I barely said any of those things. I let everyone feel that I am a stupid person, who follows you stupidly, because he is so stupid that he can’t realize you don’t love him. To me having our intimate moments be only for each other was more important than being seen as stupid by other people. And it was a big shock for me to see your parents knew about me loving you, to be precise, the believed that I’m only after your kindness as a mother, okay, that’s what I understood from what your mother told me, and your father, would rather liked to make me believe, I am after having sex with you and you are not important for me, and how you feel doesn’t mean the world to me, but the only thing that I want is to get you in bed … I don’t call these things *love but I always believed if there would be anyone to tell your parents what we feel for each other, it would be *me *and *you ****together**** *and nobody else, because we are adult people who can judge about their feelings and who have the right to let others know about their feelings or to keep them only for themselves and that your parents knew about me and you, before even they had ever ever met me, was like making my whole world upside down, but they never let me say anything, and actually I never really said anything about how much it hurt to be subject to such wrong judgment about myself from the parents of my love. I don’t mind your father because my father never accepted me either, and what he said was so much far away from the reality that first I needed to look in a dictionary to understand the meaning of the word he told me. But I can never forgive your mother, because, it is so wrong to say such thing. It is incredibly wrong. Very wrong. It is so wrong. I don’t think such people would ever understand that I loved you, and they destroyed me. Was it really necessary to say me such wrong things? Did it help anyone of us? Did it help me to understand that I don’t love you or that you don’t love me?

Now after three years, the pains I bear are still there and there are still lots of things that should be made clear. I always wanted other people to feel that what I am doing is only my *feeling and has nothing to do with you because you were in a relationship and I never liked you to be seen as a not loving girlfriend by other people or that your boyfriend leaves you just because he feels insecure about you loving him or not. The very first weeks we spent with each other you made me feel your relationship with him is important for you and you wish to keep him, so that’s why I wished, it would be you to tell that you love me and ends all the issue and not me who tells, „oh, your girlfriend loves me and not you.“ But nowadays I am more mature, and I wrote a whole piece about the fact that you indeed loved him and I was blind to such relationship between you back then, and even for the years to come. Keeping into account that you sacrificed me for him, there is no denial that *you chose him. So I hope and not only I hope, but I also believe what I am going to say is not going to make him insecure. What I am going to say is how I saw the situation back then, since then and till today I become aware of a lot of things and I grow more mature about genders, and the effect of trauma on me is not so super intensive as in the past that I deny everything about sexuality.

Beside all these you are married now, even though I don’t know since when, but you should be over five or six years together, so I guess I can talk about my naive, yet honest feelings of the past. And after all as I told you, I won’t wish to love you again, my latest conclusion that I shared with you was that you don’t deserve my love and I guess that’s a good thing, when you want to be in a relationship with somebody else, otherwise you should be a bit sad for what you did in past to me, but I never in my life I heard you apologizing … So, events happened, I kind of fall in love with a woman when I didn’t wanted to fall in love with anyone and kind of see myself forced [I mean because of the time that I asked her, otherwise I would have wished to be her husband, if she loves me and …] to ask her for her hand, this time with an engagement ring and all the stuff but in a very strange manner … So, to put everything to an end, I hope if I talk about love and what I felt back then, is not to win your heart or your love for me, if I wanted to do something, I would have done something to win the heart of that woman who I asked for marriage or somehow getting forward in my life and being able to start a relationship with a woman who loves me, and in the past each time I wrote about something, it helped me to move a bit forward, each time it was a lot painful but at very least, a tiny bit step forward …

Now that all the people whom I talked with about you, think I am stupid about love and that my opinions are nonsense, so I think, now it is easier to talk about the past, with lesser degree of following those limits mentioned above, because I think, there is no more going to be much effect from what I believe and after all what I believed back then doesn’t appear to be true at all, now that I am more mature and lesser blind to what happened in the past.

I believed your sentences literarily

I still don’t like to talk about what you did out of the reasons stated above, but one thing I would like to discuss about is that last day in the airport you said: I wished to stay forever here. To my mind back then, you were someone who loved me and I wished to be your husband. I don’t know what kind of other relationship you can have with someone from the other sex when you love each other so much. I don’t know, but to me back then, that was the most intimate relationship you could have with someone and because you kind of opened my heart for yourself, that you liked to be with me … because you loved me, I didn’t have the fears I had with other people, and even though the effects of trauma was to avoid body contacts with anyone and everyone [beside those friends that I told you about them], I wished to hold you in my arms, and not only I didn’t hated that one time when you touched my arm —it was one of the moments of most security and safety in my life—, but now I understand for you all these weren’t to any meaning and I don’t know if you felt what I felt, but that’s what I felt and wished you would have felt the same. At least back then I couldn’t think of anything different than this.

To me, it was okay that you left and I die back then because you loved me and I kind of felt I never want to live a life without you … okay, it is far more painful than this.

My love for you: giving it all to make you happy …

Today I was reading the opinion of one of the explainer and interpreter of Quran he commented on the saying from the prophet that „men should regard women as the trust of Allah …“ and his comment was that „… because women are the trust of Allah and that they are the weaker humans … and that Allah has given man the duty to take care of the order and the livelihood of the life, it is necessary that a man puts all his effort in providing the life and blesses and comfort and happiness of his family.“

I don’t want to discuss the ideas regarding gender roles and things like this, what I found interesting is the idea of considering women as „trust of Allah“, you know, that is the saying of the prophet and I find the interesting part of the comment the fact that he says it is „necessary“. I first started thinking about marriage and all these things in a serious manner and especially for myself, after long after I met you and there seem to be no solution to my feelings. You know, your effects on my life were so much that I felt I have abandoned you by not being able to make it possible for you to „remain forever in Berlin“. You know that I am not much a fan of Berlin and I know that you tried to convince me that Berlin is so good and I shouldn’t be sad for being there, but I think the best part of Berlin was us being together, and maybe the worse part of Berlin was also us being together, cause it became the city you never want to visit again and the city I didn’t want to stay in, after I sent you those messages and received your responses, especially after that last exchange when you were so sad at me …

I didn’t have the financial means but …

I felt so deeply hurt and I was sorry for not having been able to fulfill your wish. I am not saying if I had a living and were financially not dependable and a job and a degree and etc you would have stayed in Berlin for me … I feared about all these, and I don’t think you are with him because of any of these, but what I say is that I wanted to be able to care for you and I was so sorry that I couldn’t fulfill your wish. You know, now when I look back, if we wanted to marry and go together to some countries, we may not have had such a huge tribble life. Even if I worked in a Cafe we would have earned a reasonable living, I could have studied on weekend in one of those lesser quality schools and got a degree and later moved to a better position or you know, something like this … and you worried about all these, and you knew that I am not such a miserable person in learning things and so on … —thanks to Allah—, but you never talked with me to be there for you and you never considered me being there for you. You know, I wasn’t him, I would never be in his position and yes you are four years older than me and it may seem stupid to start everything from zero, with a man who lived more than half of his life around the Middle East, but on the other hand, if you ask me now, I would say, I wished you asked me for these things, because I was so much in fight with myself and the education that I had broken and the future plan that I didn’t have and the visa and permission and all the other stuff, that I couldn’t think of being in your country and building a life with you. I wished you could have known, how much being with you caused me to be motivated, to be more eager to achieve something … I know it is not usual to ask a boy, something like: „hey, I like you and I want you to care for me, so put a plan for your future life that fits me and you together … do it now!“ I was more lost in my feelings for you and how should I treat myself and my heart and you and your relationship and the friendship/relationship we had. I couldn’t think of future.

The thing that men and women are equal …

the other thing was you said right up front that you had this gender study at the university and you think „men and women are equal“ and I trusted you because you said you studied this and here is not the place to discuss about gender and their differences —if any— and their equality but if I would treat you in the same form, I mean the form that you treats me in your most happiest and excited or most sad and angry moment, you would be upset with me, and in the same way, if you would treat me in exactly the same form that I treat you, I would not be able to feel so much attraction to you, so, that was why our relationship didn’t work and why I felt time to time like a burden to you and time to time I neglected all your good feelings for me. A. S. I enjoyed every single movement of your body but sometimes I tried to be like you and it didn’t result well, in the same while lots of things about our communications suffered from this too and I think if you would have guide me behave in a more polarized way towards you or if I didn’t trust your judgement without knowing what it means, it was easier to understand for you that I love you and there is nothing else between us, cause a relationship in the way we tried it, was could have appeared more like friendship, but I read behind your eyes about what you thinks, and I know that you don’t read behind my eyes what I think but you response to my feelings, at least for as long as I was close to you, in the way that most satisfies me. I enjoy your attempts to read my mind but don’t worry yourself to be like me. Nowadays I know you didn’t love me, but to my eyes back then, you always responded to me better than I ever expected from a woman and felt dearly loved by you. [A. S. if you want to take me wrong and think that I am wrong regarding my opinion about you and me and this is because where I grow up, just consider this example, one day two gifted individual meet each other, one of them had thought of a story before and would like to tell it to the other, what is to most joyful experience to both of them, is when the first one tells and the letter listens. Our relationship was as simple as that but I took the idea that „men and women are equal“ too literarily and we end up sometimes both of us talking or both of us listening, I always loved you and that those moments caused you to feel unloved was great mistakes of mine. I am sorry for that, I am very sorry for that, I loved you in all those moments, I chose the wrong from to show it to you]

I loved to take your hand and show you the world as I saw it …

On my side, I had my own concerns, you know it was so extremely hard for me to accept in my heart that I so extremely like an atheist. I know you never used that word yourself but that time when Caitlin faced us with the definition of atheist and you didn’t oppose her, kind of made everything too hard for me. You know a bit about Islam and a bit about my view and a bit about the view of the majority of people and I never worried about such things before in my life. But sharing my life with someone who oppose the existence of God is not the easiest decision I can make, and I never doubted about building my life with you, as you thought of me being indecisive, but there were important issues for me that I couldn’t put together. And that time I and your sister enjoyed talking about the existence of God, you kind of jump between our conversation that we shouldn’t talk with that stupid reason that „oh, there was this statistic in the news that you should discuss about relationship, religion and money only with close friends and family members … because otherwise, it ends in bad things …“ and I didn’t want to upset you but the whole time I thought „can’t you see that we are close friends and as easy with each other as close family members that we talk about religion without hating each other …“ I don’t know what did you felt at that moment but when I put myself in your place, I think I would have been jealous at my brother for a discussion with you that I couldn’t/didn’t want to have with you and would do my best to stop it … but you know, I didn’t care that it is your sister, I wished that you would jump into the conversation and say something that makes me feel easier about you. Your sister was having the conversation with me that I wished we could have had together, I don’t mean I like the things she said, I mean that we had a conversation about God that could bring our opinions closer to each other. I don’t know if you ever feared that we might upset each other because of differences in the way we see religions but I was scared of such things too, therefore I was so glad to have that conversation with your sister while you were there and you could listen to us. I don’t know, but if for you what was important was to see me being that man with a future plan and with a life that provides the place for a spouse, for me it was impossible to say you I love you, when you said, you are atheist. I don’t think, it could have been an impossible thing that we become to the same view about religion, like it was not a huge impossible thing that I become a man with a future plan and an okay life … I think we could have worked both of these together, and I believe, if we loved each other, it would have made our pathway much easier …

But you just hold yourself back and tried to keep your feelings for yourself and after those two ex-friends, you didn’t want to ever be near someone who loves you … I am not judging you, that’s how I felt, that’s how you stood there and said, „oh, no, I don’t want you to know about this!“ and I wished I could have been able to kiss you and tell you, „there is no hurry to talk about your past but you are welcome to my heart, even if you are very anxious or sad or angry or behaving very stupidly … you are just welcomed to my heart, cause it is yours …“ but I would have only done that if we were married. You know, I don’t mean having a ceremony and all these and pushing you for things, if you don’t want to but that we had the confirmation of each other that we marry each other. Back then all of those words were honest to you A. S. But you were with someone else, and I wasn’t a man who would like to make a woman having a relationship with two men and you weren’t such woman either. I thought I am the healing for your pains …

What could have avoided all these …

I don’t know how did you live your life with him, but I wished I could because I couldn’t be your friend. To me, either I would like to be your husband or you are with someone who loves you in the way that I couldn’t … but I never had that chance to see that with you and the only side of your relationship that I saw, upset me a lot. I don’t like to judge him but that night and not only that night but the whole time we were together, we never had the concerns you had with him. I hope you would have never been able to imagine me being with another woman than you, because you were in my eyes the most beautiful woman in the world. You know, I am not flirting with you, and I weren’t blind, and I have met lots of more beautiful woman than you, if you would judge the beauty based on the criteria of the media. This was a feeling because you were the closest person to me, and because you were the person I loved, [back then I loved you]. You know the whole thing about your body was that being close to you made being happy, so I loved the body of the person whose closeness made me so happy. You know, maybe if we weren’t so close to each other, I would have not been so excited about your body, but I think in general the first days we saw each other I kind of liked you. [But I don’t think you can build a relationship based on liking each other on the first sight, maybe he or she does something extraordinary that steals your heart, but I think otherwise you need to know each other better].

Now when I look back, I am terribly sorry for all that happened, and I am terribly sorry for having done so many things when you didn’t love me. It was so hard for me to claim what you did wasn’t because of love, but now that I am able to imagine your intimacy with your boyfriend, to consider those things that you did for me as acts of love comparing to your relationship, seems just like a joke. I tried so hard to meet you in person, because I always wanted to ask you „why did you do this to me, if you didn’t love me … why did you do that other thing to me, if you didn’t love me …?“ but now the answer to these won’t make any difference in your relationship, or at least that’s what I believe and Allah knows better. Maybe the whole time my mistake was to wish to see you and discuss these stuff with you, maybe I should have written these questions in a letter, but to me, discussing love in a letter is not that much possible, at least not possible for me.

So this is today …

Back then I was blind to sexuality when it comes to me and people I love, it has been one of year full of incredibly negative events in my attempts to overcome trauma on my own … —thanks to lots of people and Allah— but now at least I can see about it, maybe not all of it but I hope that much be enough …

All that I wrote before is my awareness about the situation back when those events happened. Your boyfriend read my message that „my relationship with you is very complicated“ and he wrote back in your voice that „it is not so complicated Hossein.“ I can guess from his point of view, there was nothing complicated there. You loved him, he loved you and there was no place for me to interfere, if I am a good person. And now I can agree with him, but back then I didn’t know lots of things, and here is the clarity to the complexity of my relationship with you. There have lots of things happened between us, which were wrong, and I did lots of things that I wished I hadn’t done, and you are enormously important to me … and here is the explanation:

Lots of people start their relationship with romance, to be precise very few of people do so, but people tend to believe or at least read to themselves that they started their relationship based on love and their focus on love is more on romantic and sexual part of it. I believe nothing is wrong with that. I discard the people who lie themselves about love but I have nothing against someone who start their relationship based on extreme and profound romantic feeling for each other and undeniable sexual desire for each other. I believe such relationships could grow into whole love experiences.

And I think you and him are great lovers in this respect and I think that’s something very admirable, very beautiful and very respectable and I am very sorry that I was so blind to all these, and here and there I said to you that you don’t love each other. Back then I thought it is honest and I meant it, but it was my mind who blacked out everything about sexuality and in my world, everything regarding sexuality had no value or even negative value. I apologize from both of you about this. Now that I can a bit accept sexuality, I would say the relationship you have in this respect is admirable and I would have wished to be in such a relationship if I could …

But a love between two persons has also another aspect —actually some other aspects and this is one of those— which is not important for the majority of the population and usually remains invisible or neglected.

The best love relationship is when all these aspects are fully met and are cared for and under constant development but this particular aspect is easy to be fulfilled by someone else for average people, so they don’t put much emphasize on it.

I made you have this relationship with me, or to say it better, our relationship was purely out of this aspect of love and I was aware of it and to me it was important and for you, it was the unknown and something that you never considered to exist and you didn’t know how to handle it.

Before you, I hated to let anyone to get close to my body and you were the only and only person that if you wished to be close to my body, being it only for sexual pleasure, my heart would not have hated you. Even by handshakes, I hated people who touched my hand for a moment afterward. So, that’s why I believe I love you and I tried so hard for it, and you were that especial person for me. So, talking bout sexual trauma is a complicated issue and it takes more than this article and this article is not about that, so let’s talk about this aspect of love.

You know, you and I had this connection of souls, this full trust, this state of being wholly interested in each other, this feeling of getting to know each other and being familiar with each other, you know, all those good part of things about love, that are about emotions and thoughts …

For me, everyone else wasn’t good in that. I would simply overwhelm people in my discussions. I heard this sentence a lot of time „oh, we discussed a lot, I think we should continue that another time …“ and for me those moments are where I am only a little warmed up to start a discussion. I don’t mind if I spend a whole day with someone discussing about a matter, but for average people, if they talk longer than 2 hours with someone about a specific theme, that would be the longest discussion in their whole life. Now, I can tell you it is a feature of giftedness, that people usually can’t meet my intensity and complexity and I think you lived your whole life this way too [thanks to Allah]. And as a gifted for me to spend my life with someone who is at the same level of complexity and intensity is far far far more significant than anything else. Cause I don’t want my wife to be a burden for me. I want to be able to tell her, what I am thinking about. I don’t want her to feel overwhelmed by what I am doing, thinking or feeling about, and you were the only person who was like this. Even in the time when I tried to show you that I love you, you didn’t give up, And I am glad for who you are and I am thankful for all you did.

You know, I knew all these more or less and that’s why I thought you should choose me over him. Because I would have done so. Actually, my life is a proof of that. There were lots of people that I could have started a relationship with them and for sure I could have enjoyed sexual part of it —if we don’t take the sexual trauma into account— but the romantic part of a relationship can’t fulfill me and I know there are very few persons who may ever be able to fulfill love from that other aspect for me.

Another explanation

I tried to describe this bond of souls and mind that we had with each other that made me believe we love each other, but I don’t know how much I succeed in that. Here are few clips from the movie Good Will Hunting, where the psychotherapist talks to a gifted young adult, especially about that aspect of love. I am not saying that these fits us because you loved someone already other than me, but some aspect of those, I guess, applies to us.

Last word

I couldn’t realize how much a man means to you when you gift him your body but one thing I can tell you on my side A. S., if I was naive and even if I couldn’t see lots of things, I loved you more than anyone else in your life. I am very very very sorry for not being able to understand our situation and behave in a way that could not have made you happy …

A. S., you and I give different aspects of love the first priority, perhaps this is because of our past experiences and how our unconscious and consciousness has evaluated them back then, and what we believe in it today …

A. S. I believed in you more than anyone else in my life and I waited a long time that you might see this and let us meet each other and have a discussion about everything … I don’t know if three years spent like this was worth it? I have lost some good years of my life, and I can’t imagine on your side, reading my letters and ignoring my attempts was the happiest thing you could have done in your time. I really don’t understand why shouldn’t we have worked things out together?

Lots of things I have done were very stupid from me, I apologize …

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  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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