Penumbra

Love & Quit

I wasn’t my intention but over the past years, I heard from different persons that it is important to know your limits in pursuing a goal before the start, that it will make you be able to keep trying in hard times and at the same time, it prevents you from wasting your energy, time […]
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It wasn’t my intention but over the past years, I heard from different persons that it is important to know your limits in pursuing a goal before the start, that it will make you be able to keep trying in hard times and at the same time, it prevents you from wasting your energy, time and resources in directions in life that are rather cul-de-sacs than ways to success.

Once I wrote you that I feel being treated below human dignity by the way you respond to my attempts to contact you … but maybe that wasn’t your intention. I can’t read your mind, if you don’t talk to me, —okay, most of the time …— but I think we rather had different views around love. You are older than me and more educated, so you already know that it is better to set you limit for Quit in advance. I read more books about mathematics and science and I barely ever thought of the idea of Quitting. Maybe you think I live my life like a child, I loved you that come to my life with all my heart and as long as you were with me, I didn’t wanted to waste time thinking about relationship and love, you were there and all the things I thought about was about making you happy, was about how beautiful those moments spent with you are, but maybe for you, I was just a business-issue. Our relationship perhaps had an expiration date in your view, and I guess you had your quit-point already chosen in advance.

I never guessed that I might be something like this for you. I never guessed that you might treat your relationship like this. I never thought you would say to our relationship that it is over and it would be over then. I couldn’t grasp a relationship being over. I couldn’t grasp to have quit plan for such profound attachment of spirits.1

But I am a liberal, I am a free man, who yet didn’t trade his heart for money, I lost everything for you. I loved you without any quit plan. Or to be more precise my quit idea was suicide, and it is not a quit idea but more a wish or better said an overdue task since you left me …

You know the concept of quit comes from the idea of gaining return from the investment of your time and resources but I loved you without any eye on returns on investments.

But I don’t think love is compatible with such frameworks of thinking. The problem is that love is there to be given to someone and what that someone might give you back in return is based on the trust in your relationship and not based on past statistics. Human beings are alive things whereas most of the even complex businesses are more like machines and not an alive being. So giving something to someone and emotional attachment and love have profound impacts on individuals beyond what you could ever expect from their normal behavior. Love does indeed change people, and that’s why loving someone, in my opinion, shouldn’t be related to how that relationship looks like today, or how people predict the future of your relationship. The problem is that the effects of love are unpredictable to almost all people, so people will come to you with nonsense ideas about how your relationship in future is going to look like. Because it is not the relationship that causes change in individuals but it is love and most people don’t have this in their lives and most of them get it wrong …

That’s why I loved you, even though I didn’t know any background from you. I loved you and that was all that I knew. I loved you because that was the only thing, I could do and not because I had an eye for a relationship with you, and that I tried to have a relationship with you, was because this it the only way for two adult male and female to love each other.

I didn’t want to let you know this, for lots of stupid reasons … and some day you said that that boy and girl who had kind of the same situation as you and me, married each other and the boy still couldn’t find a job and didn’t have a real life in Switzerland and that you didn’t like to still live in the same small room with a bed after three years of marriage … You know, I didn’t have many prospects in my life, my parents wanted me to become an engineer, the society encouraged their decision too and I simply didn’t have any idea of an alternative way of living a life. Honestly all my adults friends in the past who had a more or less financially good state of living, were engineers or lawyers and I just thought I will not going to be that successful and that I would end up like that man with you and that’s another stupid reason why I believed it would be better if I never loved you …

You know, I said those things and you said you would never forgive me, and a week later you changed your mind but after all, you never met me after that … and all I did was, my stupid opinions about how love and relationships should be, and I tried to apologize a bunch of time, to be more precise a lot of times, and I apologize again and again and again, too, for denying my love for you, for not seeing how important that other man was in your life and for …, I don’t shy and I don’t want to have an ego to avoid me to tell you I am sorry that my words made you unhappy, such a thing is never ever my intention in life … Even now, after all that happened, I don’t like that my acts causing you being unhappy …

But just compare me with yourself: I told you some very wrong words and I lost all my life, I lost all my hopes and dreams in life, because of loving you and … I didn’t consider my relationship with you and our attachment as a business idea. Did you ever care for me in this way? I don’t ask you this, to regret my past for loving you. Whatever your answer, I loved you and I lost all that I could and I don’t regret that, there are lots of things that I regret but loving you wasn’t a thing, wasn’t a decision, it was just there, for sure if I could see that does it mean to sleep with somebody else, I would have never been able to love you, but I couldn’t see that. I just loved you. I never planned it, I never made any decision in this respect, it was there maybe from the very beginning of my life on the Earth …

I loved you, and I never asked for your love in return, cause to my opinion love is always mutual, what is not mutual is illusion. but what I asked you for all the time, was to change your behavior. Was to be selfless.

What is the love use for, if you handle it like a business idea?

What is the marriage use for, if it is just another inter-personal joint-venture?

Perhaps you are that adult and I am that child. To me, you can’t plan your quit in advance for love. To me, a side-result of love is to risk it all. And I think my life is the best evidence for that. I gave up everything in my life in order to be with you, but the whole time you never even pick up the phone when it was me, and you chose another man for relationship.

I am not saying these to be against your decision. No, I don’t like your decision, but why I am saying all these here because I wish you one day to be that child. You know, after all that happened, I can’t imagine being with you ever again. I mean you hurt me a lot and you never apologize, so I am never going to be with you, and beside that there is not much time left, but even if someone else in your life, I think it is important to love that person truly, for sure you did so, and I never claimed anything other than this, but I want you to let yourself be loved by someone who would love you in this way and I want to clear up all that happened in my past …


  1. Maybe I should have foreseen that, when you share your body with someone else, there is no much place for attachment of spirits, but back then I was blind to such aspect of human beings, too ↩︎

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  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

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