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A bit of air to breathe

As humans it is not only the physical signs of our existence that differentiate the death and life for us, life is a more complex state of existence and it is possible to threatened or deprived one from it without any direct physical signs ...
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Introduction

With or without science, it’s quite obvious that there are intrinsic motivations for human beings to love their children and our design features especially in respect of our social life, strengthens those motivations both internally and externally, so that we are even faced with newer motivations, for being great parents and loving our children.

Elon Musk: You know, like, creating a company is almost like having a child, it’s sort of like how do you say, your child should not have food.

Interviewer: so once you have the company, you have to feed it and nurse it

Elon Musk: Yeah.

Interviewer: and take care of it, even if it ruins you

Elon Musk: YEAH.

Aired September 27, 2015 on Danish TV.

It’s quite a well-known statement that for an author each book is like a child, in the same way for a real entrepreneur each startup is just like a child. So, to any emotionally healthy[1] human being, Elon Musk’s senses of obligations towards his child is understandable.[2]

So, there are good motivation for individuals to do almost everything for their children, even though personally I am not a fan of parents who forget that their children are not the goal of their lives, but let’s stop this discussion with the conclusion that everyone wants to be a good parent.

Yet, what happens in the society is that all the time we talk to children about how eager parents are to be good parents, yet we never take a pause and ask ourselves what a good family life looks like, all our focus is on „parents are willing to do the best for their children“, so much that we forget parents have no idea what is the best for their children[3] and even less they know what should they do, now that they don’t know what is the best for their children.

I believe, parents have the extreme opportunity to be wonderful people for their child’s life. There comes a helpless being out of your body, who is even unable to ask for help, for years to come he or she won’t even be able to ask a bank for a loan to invest in the stuff he or she wants to build and might prove a benefit. So, you don’t need to kill yourself that they ask your help, you don’t need to buy expensive gifts so that the accept your support. You don’t need to organize a world-wide competition so that they accept your recognition of their talents. Children are receptive of even any shitty attempt of kindness towards them. Even if it is from parents who see their children as assets than as human beings. As something that will bring them glory and fame, or whatever they couldn’t achieve in their lives by themselves. Even in all these shitty backgrounds, children accept all your half-hearted attempts to love them, to encourage their growth.

It took me a while to realize that how I feel inside and the world I live outside of myself are totally compatible with one another, what is in dissonance with the reality is the picture advertised by the mass respecting the role of parents and the value of family.

For all my life I heard the ideas that family is the most important human community, the foundation of lots of other things, and so I believed my family to be the place where I can find care and love, and so I agreed with the picture that what I receive in my family is what love, caring and affection is about.

Since I was a child, I was used to hearing successful people in interviews, in speeches after receiving the prize in a competition telling that they are so thankful to their parents, that they would not have been there without the support or the love of their parents and lots of other similar statements, yet, I could never imagine telling the same things. And it took me a while to be able to say similar statements about someone but that someone, as you can guess, is not my parents.

Most children learn to be themselves in their interactions with their parents, probably in early ages, I learned to hide myself more and more and more.

I would like to talk a bit about the contributions of my parents to where I am now …

It was all supports, encouragements, and love that empowered me to be myself

To be accurate probably, since my childhood. When I wanted to build my first digital clock with a CMOS chip back in middle school, that my father bought a pre-made kit for digital clocks, instead of all the tools I needed to write a binary code on a computer, compile it to the chip and assemble the board and run the clock. Never I got my hand on one of those chips that would be mine and never I asked anyone else to buy for me such stuff. My teammate on that digital clock project bought all the stuff and I did all the work, and it was presented as a team work and that CMOS chip was to build a line follower robot, I didn’t talk with my father about it again, after what he had bought for me was a joke compared to what I wanted, and he never came to school to see that watch or other stuff that they older student has built, and he would always say „Oh, you should study robotic or nano-technology in the university, it is very appreciated in the world today.“ He never accepted or maybe realized that you need to have the stuff to create things, reading the books in the school, especially the books that you can’t borrow because other students who have the tools and were building the stuff, needs them, won’t make you developing a robot in the real world.

Maybe we can go even further back, but let’s move forward.

First time I asked my mom to buy me a book about Mosaddegh, and she called me from the bookstore that the seller tell her such a book doesn’t exist and if your son is doing a research for the school, he has a great book that can recommend. My mom was the one in our family who will take all the handwork on herself without complaining, at least no complaining in the right moment, to the right person, in the right manner. So she bought the book that that bookseller has recommended her, and another book, which was the one I wanted. That book was maybe 20 pages long, my book was written by an Iranian historian, who has moved to England and wrote his works in English instead of Farsi and the book was then translated into Farsi and perhaps beside me, nobody else in Iran would read that book.

The examples are numerous. Never I received the attention, support, no I don’t mind to complain about all these, never even I received the tools that I needed. Since I was in 4th grade in elementary school I wanted to start a journal, and in middle school, I developed all my skills for web development, so far that I could design the whole theme of the journal myself and I just needed a web space to start it. My father refused to pay some extra dollars for a cheap web hosting plan and I give up on my dream, till now, today, you see The Lost Ideas Lab Journal. Even now, when I talk with my parents, they say, they are not satisfied if I spend their money on things that are not related to my education in the school. The hosting costs 10$ per month and the domain is about 15$ a year, barely the price of one time eating out in the city where I live today, so I guess I can skip once eating out and don’t report the money spent on the stuff my parents dislike …

In Iran from everyone and everywhere you hear the statement that you have to be grateful towards your parents, and that is said moderately, most often what you hear is that you have to obey them in all circumstances. Such a stupidity is often marketed as a teaching of Islam, however, it is a lie. Now that I imagine having a child, now that I imagine the person I love being pregnant, now I understand what it is meaningful to be extremely thankful to one’s parents, but that never existed in my life. I am thankful to my parents but that thankfulness is only 1% of what I feel about them, the rest is not so pleasant feelings.

I’ve written that I owe all the nice things in my life to Jennette McCurdy. Jennette wast the only and only encouragement for me, to be who I am and I have lived about 19, 20 years till I get to know Jennette.

I understand what it means to say „I owe all the nice things in my life“ to someone. That I use the same about Jennette McCurdy has nothing to do with the idea that I miss a parent in my life, but the plain fact, that without her existence, probably, I would have never dared to be myself.

Most children learn to be themselves in their interactions with their parents, probably in early ages, I learned to hide myself more and more and more.

The never grounded families

Over the past few years, since I decided to develop the back then called iSpeak with Amirhossein, and probably with the contribution of Shirin, things went wrong over and over and over again, in respect of working with other individuals.

I never knew you can start a company. Not that I didn’t know, but that it didn’t exist in my life. So my first idea was to give away my idea to a company who can realize it and benefit from its realization. It didn’t work out. And let me skip the tremendous contribution of my father in helping me finding the right connections and my mother’s sincere encouragement that all the children she knew in her life are working for a company or an organization or something likewise, or they have their own consulting or service company, so I should never think of the idea of producing a new product to the market. I should rather try to find a job by that company instead of proposing them a new product. I am wasting my time in having a reasonable income and building a family, so she can say I am more successful than most of the children of her colleagues when she talks with them. Let’s simply ignore all these in retrospect.

Finally, I hit the wall. Whether I want it or not there must be a startup. Now in retrospect, I can tell, a startup is like a family. As a family needs parents, a startup doesn’t come into existence without a founder. Someone who can call that thing „mine“. For me, who never felt belonging to a family, it was unimaginable to call the collaboration of some people „mine“. I would deny that anything belongs to me. It took me some years when people would constantly ask me, so what do you want to do with your startup, till it lit up in my mind that I refuse to be the parent. I refuse to say this is „my“ team. I would say this is my idea and now other people, let’s realize this idea and I have no bond with you. Just as never in my life anyone had any bond to me. It was so hurtful for me, to face that I actively avoid realizing an idea in the form of a startup because I don’t want to be the leader of the team because I don’t want to look inside myself and face all those terrible feelings for being left alone for who I am. In a startup you need to take be constantly aware of who your team is and how it means to the things which are needed to be done. Back then, I just couldn’t see why things aren’t working out. I had the idea, I know the people I wanted to have on my team, so hopla, everything must go forward by itself. It took some years till I understood.

The incomprehensible details

I never told my teammates how I envision the future of the startup, I never told them, why I want them on the project, I never told them what a benefit it would have for them, I never tried to discuss any of these things with them, the only thing I would be willing to talk about was how the product should be developed. I didn’t saw that they are human beings. That human beings also have emotional needs and that all these must be met before they can work successfully on something. I was never exposed to such amount of human interactions by my parents, and I never wanted to remember how unspeakable it is to be exposed to no emotional exchange with your parents about everything that you want to do.

Partly because of being child of a diplomat, and partly because it had never had any positive outcome for me, to interact on any emotional level with my parents about what I was working on.

„I am glad to have you on our team.“, or „I believe you would enjoy working on this“ I knew to use these statements from movies but they were never mine. I would only repeat what I had learned from movies. So, I didn’t use them when I wanted to interact with my startup team, because I wanted to be authentic with them, and they in return felt lost.

There are lots of reasons why I never even made any of those simple statements, not to think of acting like a good founder for a startup, as with good father for his child. The most visible reason is that our society fundamentally denies the value of these traits. Most of the time in the mass media, people speak against leadership, as noted in more details in the article „Notes around the natural process of growing into great leaders“. often you hear that people change their career several times, yet nobody tells that people would have stayed with the same team forever, if this was a great team, and so on …

The invisible reason and the one which was very hard for me to overcome and still is indeed very hard for me and I am not totally over it, is how I experienced my family life through my teenage years. My father never wanted to be part of a family. Never he was there to accept the responsibility that he is in a way and up to certain degree, responsible for all the things that are happening by every one of us. For him, the school was responsible for everything, while in fact, schools are more or less private enterprises, eager to create a face for themselves and direct the money from the pocket of their customers to their owns, and the very problem by schools is that their customers are parents, yet their services are given to children [and this is true both about public and private schools]. So you can understand why do we have grading systems. Parents want to know that their children have made progress. Otherwise there is no point in certificating the evaluation of children. And all my life I was told that this is an amazing family life, simply because there ware no critics on it. It was extremely hard for me to open my eyes to the truth that these all were fake gestures and the fact that there were no critics on our family life, is not because it was great, but because our societies are terrible.

Accepting the responsibility for the fellow adults of my startup team was beyond my comprehension, because never in my life I was exposed to such interactions. I could have never imagined doing such things myself, and even after I was clear about all these, I am still troubling to play out such behavior from myself, because the void in my subconscious for all the years I have lived, without ever living inside these human behaviors is filled with pain, feelings of humiliation and hurt, if acting these things is not all that easy for ordinary people, for me it requires to go over all those pain each time, a task that is tiring and exhausting and mostly takes a full day long. So, there are more than enough contributors to the desperate failure of my ventures so far.

To have a sense of what I am talking about, when I say it is incomprehensible for me to show such actions as a founder, let’s give you an exaggerated example: if you live in a Middle East country, typically couples never kiss each other on the mouth in public, so the first time you are exposed to such behavior in your adult life, it is that new kind of interaction that would have never crossed your mind unless after you saw it in other people. Then, it makes sense. But only then, before that, you are not even going to imagine with yourself „wow, I want to kiss that woman“ that kiss couldn’t be a french kiss unless you are inventing creative bodily interactions.

I think there is a lot that can be said about how parenting is similar to founding a startup, and how much acts that results in building a family is a basis of acts that results in grounding a startup, but as I would like the main focus of this article being about my parents, let’s move on the next point.

Re-experiencing the past with no lessons learned

Nowadays I and my father barely talk with each other, but even back when we once or twice had long conversations, he never talked about himself. Not about his present, nor about the time when he was my age, not even about his childhood. All I know is from other family members telling stories about him.

My father’s father was forced to move to Tehran as the King of time decided to increase Tehran’s population. Apparently, he wasn’t a huge landowner in his village, but he owned few cows and he walked with the cows all the way to Tehran. It is around 1000km. He came to Tehran, his family moves in with him and he becomes the watchman of a power plant for the night shift. I guess my father’s father and his mother couldn’t read and they believed their son to be stupid for spending his times on his school books. They would tear his books or throw them out of the house and demand him to go to save a spot on the line for governmentally subsided milk. His dreams were to become a doctor, but he didn’t pass the nation-wide exam. As the war between Iran and Iraq breaks, he went to war as a nurse or an assistant doctor and in my childhood, we still had medical equipment from his time in the army in his stuff. Later he goes to the university of the foreign ministry of Iran and becomes quite a successful diplomat if you compare it with the fact that his parents couldn’t even read and they never appreciated his education. They believed the children of other families are at least learning a skill that could make them an income, those people are blue collar workers now, the most successful one of them perhaps have his or her own shop, none of them ever earned the salary of my father, even though compared to the salaries of his colleagues and his talents and eagerness as a student, probably you would say he is an unsuccessful person, who rather couldn’t flourish his talents as he didn’t have any member of family in high ranked governmental position who could help his career.

I never saw the coincidence, because my parents always encourage my education. Always they wanted me to have good grades. But perhaps I wasn’t much different than my father. I didn’t see the coincidence back then that both of our parents believed what we were doing is stupid stuff that won’t make us a living. Maybe my parents are right about me, but at least I hope that won’t come true if Allah wills …

I believe my father’s extreme insistence on me to graduate from a university, is just because he wished not to be like his own parents, but I believe if there is a lesson to be learned from that history is when his dream was to graduate, and my dream are more entrepreneurship-oriented, perhaps each of us should have been encouraged in our own dreams. It looks like the history of my father’s childhood is repeating itself on me, perhaps he has learned no lesson or a wrong lesson from it.

The dissenter in the cover of lover

Once when I was very mad at my mom, I told her, „I regret every time that I listened to her advice.“ and unfortunately I meant it and perhaps I would mean it today, if I would be to repeat that statement once again.

My mother always tried to be that person who loves me, who is passionate about me and I don’t mind such intentions, yet there is a little adjustment necessary to understand what she meant by her behavior. She didn’t love me, she loved the child that wanted me to be, when I was young it was not much trouble, but as the difference between me and her ideal child grew wider, her behavior turned more unreasonable.

A year later, when I reminded her that she told my sister, that she wished to burn herself, if I go and study economy at the public university in Iran instead of becoming an engineer, her respond was that she didn’t mean it, but I took it seriously. I wanted to study economy because I believe, the only way to shift Iran’s society is to revolutionize the economic interactions at play there, and I wanted to do that. No matter where I am and quite no matter what is the subject of my interest, I am eager to find the root of the problem and change the station. Iran was just a tiny matter of my interest. Nowadays I wish to do the same on Earth, even back then one of my ideas was to develop an alternative education system and expand it to Afghanistan, Tajikistan, and parts of Pakistan. I can never limit myself to any political boundaries.

My mother loved me, or better said, my mother loved the child, who never had the dream of becoming a filmmaker. Of course, I never had the dream of becoming a filmmaker. The concerns of my mother that I will go and spent time with naked women who have no value for family life, was never a matter of my concern. I wanted to re-establish the US and Iran’s political relationship among lots of other things, and my movie ended with a young Iranian mathematician marrying the daughter of future US president in Switzerland. Back then I didn’t give a shit that directors put naked young women in front of the camera because they themselves are erotically interested in them, I was never after fame. I never held a camera and filmed something in my life because I was passionate about showing people what I see, I wanted political and social change in a way that no one can stop them, and the boldest example was to say „hey, fuck you all idiots who believe Muslims and west are against each other, or Iran and America are enemies. This is the boldest example of America and bold example of a Muslim man and they marry each other, even though the politician of both countries want to hate it.“ This is only one aspect of the movie I wanted to make.

My mother loved his child but the day I respond to their question about what I want to do in my future and I said I want to make a movie, for months to come, her response was if I ever go after filmmaking I won’t be her child anymore.

My mother’s father is a good known religious preacher in his home town. The one time that the King were to visit their city and my mother’s father banned her from taking part in the school’s greeting ceremony for the King and her uncle kind of encouraged her to go with the school and take part there, or even the very fact that my mother married the man that his father didn’t consider appropriate, so far that he would not have taken part in the marriage ceremony if the same uncle weren’t there to interfere … None of these were enough for her to stop seeing the wrong person in me. I don’t know how she couldn’t see that just as she didn’t turn to an atheist just because what she did in her childhood or the man she married in her youth, I won’t necessarily stop being a Muslim just because I wish to make movies.

How do I feel about my parents now

I used to live without my parents for about a year as I was in high school and now for a while in a foreign country. People sometimes ask me how I miss my family, whether I miss my parents, and the years have shown me, that nobody expect the answer to those questions to be „I don’t“, most people try to be kind and say „but you miss them from time to time?“ and nowadays I won’t like to continue that „I have never missed them in my life“.

I was always confused what does it mean to miss your parents. Especially when I wasn’t yet grown up enough and my life was empty of a girl I would have loved. First, when I read Jennette’s acknowledgement text about her family on her album cover, I realized there are other kinds of families out there.

ALL IN THE FAMILY Mama, thank you for singing James Brown in Blockbuster when that employee was staring, mouth gaped open, for at least ten minutes. Thanks for being a constant source of support, friendship, alliance, humor, and positivity. You have thought me to keep my feet on the ground but my head in the clouds. You are an unrivaled ball of optimism and fearlessness. I commend you and love you so much. Marcus, Dustin, and Scottie, thank you for being the best big brothers anyone could have. You are all the tremendously talented, smart, study, and generous. You have sacrificed so much so that I could follow my dreams. I could never thank you enough. I love you. Elizabeth, my sister-in-law! Thank you for treating me like a sister and loving and supporting me and being weird with me. I love you. Grandma and Grandpa, thanks for driving Buicks. You guys are singlehandedly keeping that company in business. Also, Grandma, thanks for your afro. It reaches new heights by the day. Grandpa, thanks for polishing your shoes every Sunday. A real man is a man who polishes his shoes.

From the last page of Jennette’s McCurdy’s album’s digital booklet

First when I saw Jennette McCurdy’s music video „Not so far away“, I realized what my mother expected to hear from me and deserved to hear from me, if I were her child. I think most people when they hear this, would say, „oh, now that you know how you should have treated your mother, let’s do it this way now.“ and indeed I do wish I could have gifted this song of Jennette to my mother as mean of explaining how I feel about her, but the reality is that this song won’t make sense about us, simply cause I am not her child. I am not the child in her mind.

Should I say: "I'm just tryin' to write the story my life“ a story which its significants parts in my eyes are „bullshits“ in their eyes?

Can I say „You know all about this dream I gotta chase“ when their mildest and most positive response to the dream I wished to chase was that I won’t tell them anything at all?

Should I say „Trust me believe me, I’m where I belong … California is not that far away“ when the time I said I wish to move to the US, their response was that they won’t ever financially support any future step of mine, so far, that I felt myself being forced to go to Iran and I spent about a year and a half being devastated, I couldn’t find an English bookstore to buy a book to read, an internet connection to purchase movies from iTunes, not to mention there is no place for me to be of any benefit to myself or anyone else in Iran?

My dear parents, I never grasped how you still believe I am following my dreams and you are supporting me, and we are such a happy family. Whether you can live with it or not, I and Jennette are at least in this respect similar, that if I would have missed you, the following song would have been my response to all the time you told me that you miss me:

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Music video by Jennette McCurdy performing Not That Far Away.

But, let’s be honest, I don’t ever believe, you ever missed me. No, I am not in the business of denying what you feel in your heart, but I am in the business of not accepting lies. The person you would like to miss is not me, because I am the person, you would hate, condemn, dissent, oppose, and so on, and I have heard those reactions from you, not only when I did something wrong, but all the time that you knew I am following my dreams or I am trying to realize my ideas. Maybe „every time“ is a bit exaggeration, cause often when you didn’t pay attention and didn’t really see what I was doing, you would say „oh, he’s doing stupid things that people of his age are spoused to do“, so yeah, not always you opposed me.

A word to others who believe they love me

Nowadays, if I were to evaluate my past, I would say, all my life I lived lonely.

I don’t contradict my parents if they would like to believe they tried to fill my heart with love, what they don’t see is that that love was for the individual who was not I. So you can’t fill someone’s heart with the love that is meant for someone else.

So, my heart has always been empty of love.

There have been short periods in my life, where I spent time with a woman and falsely believed, assumed us to love each other, while after a while I was forced to realize, they never loved me. I apologize for all my stupid behavior, coming out of a heart that I didn’t want to believe has never been the container for any amount of love all my life.

But compared to all other moments of my life, those periods were the happiest in respect of my empty heart, because even if I weren’t loved, at least those moments I would forget about my empty heart as I was really busy.

I don’t think I am wrong to say, there has never been a person around me who loved me, or at least, I didn’t realize it.

To me, it was more coherent with how I feel inside to live out of my parents’ home as soon as possible and have no contact with anyone, yet, I look at all the days that I lost their counts when I had no one to only say hello to. There have been days when I would become aware in the afternoon that „oh, I haven’t spoke a word this day with anyone“ and would think, I would slowly forget how to talk if I continue this way.

It is hard for me to guess, that someone loved me and I haven’t recognized it yet. I don’t mind cause I know I am a helpless case but if someone believes he or she loves me and doesn’t make any effort about me, my first reaction is that “I might be a hopeless case but I am still not dead” …

A word to women I apparently fall in love with

I never believe I could ever be so wrong about love but here you are and I have been.

I grow up with the idea that my parents love each other, that I have been raised in a family with love.

The first person who was nice to me and I was brave enough to open up myself to her and there were lots of other tiny things at place, which here is not the right place to give a list of them, she topped all the love from any human that I have ever received in my life and to my perception back then, I didn’t know how would you call it, if you don’t call it love, and unfortunately the intellectual bond we had. I don’t mean it was a negative thing, to me, it was a miracle that me and A. S. were kind of soulmates in respect of our intellect, but in my situation back then, with me, having that experience topping everything I have ever experienced in my life, it turned to be extremely negative, because to me that was like, „I can’t live without this in my life“ not realizing that this is not love but rather that I have been suffering my whole life. When suffering is what you experience on daily basis, the slightest absence of suffering is like the most pleasant moment of your life, however for most people that is like a miserable condition.

I took me like two to four years till I could see, how different my relationship with her and the relationship of the boy with whom she sleeps is. If there is a depth of experience that you haven’t yet made, for you, that tiny affection can be love, just as for societies who didn’t have animals and tools and etc, the mountains or the sea were assumed to be the end of the world.

I think you can still steal my heart with a bit of affection and turn me into someone who dies for you, and I think my extreme rational attitudes in my interaction with people was rather an immune system to protect me from receiving other people’s attention.

Each time I tried to mingle with people and show emotions and behave normally, I would also be welcomed by one or two people, and if there were some other conditions at place, I would even easily fall in love with someone, who barely cares about me, beyond the few hours per day or week that we might regularly meet.

I really owe all these individuals and everyone else who was directly or indirectly affected by these an apology …

A word to idiots who believe teenagers rebel

I don’t know where this misleading terminology comes from, but very stupidly, people assume the period of youth is a time of rebellion against one’s parents. You can feel free to believe in misleading concepts, but that won’t change the reality.

My dreams and my attempts are barely an attempt of rebellious toward my parents. This concept is so wrong, that in the case of someone like me, such claims aren’t even logical. My ideas were aimed to change the world, societies, groups, individuals [by Allah’s leave] and most of them were with me to some degree since my childhood, so hard to say they are rebellious against two simple individuals. It’s like destroying the whole Earth with Nuclear weapons, just because you wanted to put ten individuals in prison, and it happened that they were dispersed on Earth’s surface. It’s just like a caricature.

I don’t mind if my parents would complain that I was no ordinary child, but all my attempts had nothing to do with them. Never I was intended to hurt them with my words, not to think of any more serious attempts, I felt having no place to live. All the books I wanted to read and they weren’t available, all the foreign thinkers I wanted to talk to, and I had no hope of ever getting an access to them, all the individuals who inspire me, and I didn’t live in the same place as them, all the people that I wanted to reach with my writings but barely ever one of them lived in Iran, if for other people a well-paid job, a beautiful wife, bunch of children, a fair social status, if those things are minimum requirements for other people’s life standards, to me these people, these works, these inspirations, these ideas are the minimum requirements to live. And all my life, I wasn’t after showing off, being successful, winning, or what the fuck ever, all I was aiming for were a bit air to breathe. To me, these people, these inspirations, these works, are like air to breathe, the life I have lived were like a death in slow motion, as I was forced to live without air to breathe …

Acknowledgements

I apologize for all my failures so far in realizing my ideas, from all the people whose best place were to be part of our team, and from all the people who were to benefit from these ideas [by Allah’s leave].

While I’ve written the above text, in the same time, I believe I am the only one responsible for all my failures. Of course, this text could help you realize how to be better for your child, may help you think out of your current situation if you are suffering from the same issue, and so on. You shouldn’t forget that every individual, every group, and every society, is, of course, responsible for their deeds, however, I hope it to be clear, writing all these doesn’t mean I wish to wave away my responsibility to someone else … I would rather best refer to Quran to clarify this:

If Allah afflicteth thee with some hurt, there is none who can remove it save Him; and if He desireth good for thee, there is none who can repel His bounty. He striketh with it whom He will of his bondmen. He is the Forgiving, the Merciful. [10:107]

Marmaduke Pickthall’ translation of Quran

And seemingly in contrast to this you can read:

Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself. We have sent thee (Muhammad) as a messenger unto mankind and Allah is sufficient as Witness. [4:79]

Marmaduke Pickthall’ translation of Quran

But both these verses points to the exact same truth, and that’s how I see my responsibilities, and that of others in respect of where I a today.

This article is triggered because of a conversation I had with Andrew Machado, when I forget I shouldn’t talk about my parents and started to tell a bit about it … I would like to thank him for being the trigger of this article, even though he never had an intention for it and it was a long overdue task on my list to write something about my parents …

being the result of sexual abuse his father and probably a still not recovered sexual trauma, Elon Musk is one of the worse individuals to look at for advice about parenthood, yet in contrast to his family life, his companies are successful and there he has been abler to be a parent than in his life as a husband, entrepreneur, and father. I’ve written a message to Justine Musk privately and I do not wish to mess up with all the details of their private life in public, however I wish them to find their ways back to each other and wish Talulah all the best and reminder to all girls that not all boys lie when they say they are building something, to get you in bed. Elon and Justine and to a degree Talulah, you are important to me that I talk about you, otherwise, I would have ignored you ...

Dear Jennette, I wasn’t there when you mother passed away, and maybe I would not have been of any use anyway. I am grateful from your mother because of you. Death is a temporary destination to all of us, so I would rather avoid saying I wish she lived longer, yet, I hope you, that new people fill the void of your mother in your life … This article is much caused by you and perhaps your mom, so I ask Allah’s forgiveness[4] for your mother, you, me and some other people.

Thank you, Jeannette, without end and wish you all the best from the Lord in this world and thereafter

The worshippers’ thanksgiving and Adoration is due only to Allah: The Creator and Nurturer of the worlds [And their inhabitants];

[1] I emphasized the attribute of being „emotionally healthy“ because our societies are extremely traumatized and most people are living without a touch to their own emotional life.

In her book „Jägerin und Gejagte“ Sabine Klueger, discusses the idea, how against humanity the social order of modern societies is. She is not a philosophy nor a sociologist, but the example itself. The book is her story from being the child of a German linguists and missionaries who grow up most of her childhood by communities of humans living in jungle in a culture close to that of animals, for example the dating processes consisted of a male being able to steal a virgin lady and being able to find food for her three days, so the young couple get the marital status in the tribe, by the age of 17 after some journey, she ends up a boarding school in Switzerland, gets to know her first love, get married and pregnant, just to figure out that the boy would leave him, file for divorce, and wins the right for custody of the  children in the court by claiming she having mental illness. While she is telling her story in the book, over and over again, she writes of the cruelty of the civilized world and human social structure of uncivilized tribe living in the jungle.

While I am not a fanatic for such lifestyles, what she is trying to tell and is unable to express clearly is that it is against our nature that the first and only place a couple could find to manage their marital conflicts is „court“, or perhaps a „therapy“ if you have the means. While in both cases those professional are trained to not have any emotional and economic bond to their customers and they have no relationship with each other than that of a system and a customer. That’s insane. That’s so inhumane. It’s no wonder why most divorces end up in expensive lawsuits if you have the means, or why most people are unable to live their lives with the person the love.

So you have to understand when a young mother doesn’t feel loved herself, how could she express love for a being that is using up her body. How would a father care for a child, when all human interactions he has seen in his life were results of legal actions instead of love?

[2] The unpleasant end of Elon’s marriage to Justine, may also be best described by this one view of him about the „realization of his ideas“. For him, that company is just like his child, whereas to Justine a company is about fame, money, glory and etc.

I guess Justine is a bit fault on this matter to have lived years with an entrepreneur and never believed him that he indeed is determined to realize his ideas, not because of any motivation, just as a mother is determined to give birth to her child, just because that’s how things work. You can’t keep a child forever in your body and you can’t keep an idea forever in your mind. Yet, Justine never trusted Elon, because we live in the fucking times where all the asshole rich try to conceive you that everything that everyone cares about is to be rich, only that you don’t look at them with disgust and condemn them for all the wrongs they have done to get to that wealth.

Justine, loosing Elon wasn’t enough?

You have to wake up. Justine, no fucking human being gives a shit about wealth or fame, that’s a lie told to us, and if most of us live that way, it’s only because we are retelling that lie, not because that lie is true … Justine, wake up!

[3] If it is too hard for you to grasp what I am talking about because you are brought up in a society which most of its institutions are built on this false assumption, it might be to benefit to look at this article: „The fundamentals of current education systems are desperately false …“ …

[4] Asking Allah’s forgiveness is one of the highest prayers one can ask from the Allah according to Islam because if you are clean of wrongdoings, the God will promise you the paradise, and you are not allowed to ask it for non-believers, for wrongdoers and so on …

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  • Author: Scrappy Nobody

from Penumbra

Series of Random Works